We made it! I know we all are ready to put 2020 in our rearview mirrors and move on to 2021! Realistically, 2021 will look much like 2020 for the next several months, but at least there is some proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

We had a quiet night last night. We had a beautiful walk today at Lake Zorinsky. It was in the 20’s and it was really the perfect walking weather. Lily, Rich, Tallinn, and I got to see hundreds of Canadian geese honking overhead looking for some open water. Most of Lake Zorinsky is frozen over, so they seemed pretty loud in their complaining over that fact. We also got to see 5 deer meandering through the park area. They were very tolerant of us and didn’t spook too easily. Tallinn is not a typical dog and was interested but did not bark at them. He took up his mantel in the back of the car with his nose right in Lily’s ear. Nice to see nothing much changed but the year!

Wishing all of you the very best in 2021 and many blessings throughout the year!

Every year the family gets matching shirts, or PJs or something of the like that get opened up on Christmas Eve. This year is was Messina shirts that say in Italian “Family is Everything”. It has been my mantra for a long time but since my diagnosis, it has taken on a ferocity for me. I have never questioned that my calling was to be a wife and mother. It is surely what God had in mind for me for a vocation. Christmas is such a special time. Not just because we get together as family but for WHY we are getting together. This year was weird. I know, preaching to the choir, right? I don’t know that I have ever missed a Christmas Eve Mass….but I sat next to our lit tree and watched it live streamed from our church. I missed seeing my friends and giving them huge hugs and telling everyone I saw, “Merry Christmas!”….it was just kinda strange. Rich’s family is of Italian heritage and usually try and do a meal of 7 fishes on Christmas Eve. We don’t really have enough of us around the table on Christmas Eve to warrant that tradition, but I did make lobster linguine that was well received! I think Tim was a bit nervous, as he asked me if I had ever made it before….I gave him a hearty, “Nope! And it is going to be great!”, in response. Tim flew in from Colorado on Wednesday night and then flew back home Saturday, late afternoon. Joe and Michelle arrived from Kansas City on Christmas Day around noon and then left around 6 the next evening. So it was a short stay for everyone, but we had a lot of good food, took lots of family photos, and played a lot of board games. Although Settlers of Catan is our go-to board game with family, we tried a new board game from under the tree called Trekking Across the World. It took a bit for everyone to grasp the rules, but it is a fun game to have as you learn a bit about geography as well. It is kinda fun because we have been to a lot of the places.

I had such a wonderful time just watching all my adult kids interact with one another. They have all grown into such wonderful people and I am so fortunate to see the goodness in their hearts and their sense of humors! Such laughing and storytelling! The last time they were all here under my roof was for my birthday last February. I was bald and so sick that I couldn’t really carry on a conversation because I would get so out of breath. I just listened then as well…enjoying hearing about their lives, their jobs, their friends, their dreams and goals. Last Christmas I was in a pretty bad spot emotionally and spiritually. I was panicked that I had no time….no time to spend with these precious family members I love so deeply. I wasn’t sure I would even be here this year. But I am…and I had a wonderful time soaking in memories and hopefully making good ones for them. I am no longer panicked about time. God will take me when He is ready and not before. Will I be here for Christmas in 2021? I don’t know, but I bought my Christmas cards for 50% off yesterday, so I am planning on it.

A special thank you to MeiLing for a family-made goat’s milk soap and a beautiful Irish marble green heart…totally love it! Kathy Martz dropped off some super cute homemade snowmen to decorate my house with! Judi sent a book on Christmas that I can’t wait to start. Catherine Schroeder, my Trinidadian friend via Iowa, gave me a hat and chocolates. Michelle Krueger gave me an adorable snowman and a corn bag to heat up and put on my body when it aches. It has boxing gloves all over it and I absolutely LOVE it! It will get very good use! I received a card from 4 Catholic women that I admire greatly….Sue, Emily, Barb & Jodi. They all are members at my parish. They each wrote words of love and encouragement to me and then also gave me a gift of money to go and pamper myself. I was so very touched and surprised by this gift! Thank you so much, sisters in Christ! The kids all went in together and got me an autographed photo of one of my very favorite fighters…Georges St- Pierre. He is a Canadian MMA fighter that I have always really admired. That was a total surprise and a fun one! Lily got me a wok! Look out world…Cyndi has a wok. All bets are off on homemade fried rice now! I have an induction stove top (cooks with magnets). I absolutely love it, but you can’t just have any old pan. Lily managed to find a large wok that would work on my stove. Yay! Bring on the cold winter weather! Rich is not one to give gifts…he would rather give experiences. We leave on January 7th to head to Beavercreek, Colorado. Rich and Lily will ski for two days (with Tim joining them for one) and then the other day will have all four of us on a snowmobiling adventure up to Maroon Bells. I am trying to work on some photography skills before we head out there. I will have two days to explore on my own….so if any of my Colorado friends know of something fun to do, let me know! Until then, I wanted to share some of our family photos from Christmas Day and Boxing Day!

Sorry this is a few days late. I had my teleconference with my sarcoma specialist from the Mayo clinic on Thursday afternoon. I planned to post that night, but with having labs, a meeting with my local oncologist and chemo also that day, I was tired….or so I thought. I felt exhausted but thanks to the lovely bag of IV steroids I got along with my chemo, my body was exhausted but my mind continued to race. I didn’t fall asleep until about 0400 and then got awakened by my alarm to get Lily up and going for school at 0645. It was a short night and even though the day after my chemo is usually a good day for me, going on barely 3 hours of sleep was not optimal. I got lots of sleep last night….dreamless even…so feeling better today.

My specialist went over in great detail my CT scan results from my chest, pelvis, and abdomen. It is stable. There were some micronodules that were new in my lungs….less than 3 mm. They could be several things but are considered unterminate right now. They could be a reaction to the meds I am on…or they could be new growths due to the meds I am on not working as well anymore. Basically we won’t know until we wait and do the scans in 3 months’ time. The blood clot in my lung is gone but I was told that as long as I am actively treating my cancer (so probably up until the end when I go on hospice) I will be on the blood thinners. So the plan is this: continue with the current treatment until February. I will always be on the blood thinners and the zometa (the IV medication for my bones). In early March I will have my regular 3 month scans. If all is stable, I will have earned a chemo holiday. I can’t be on nothing…too dangerous with LMS. I will go on hormone therapy, most likely aromatase inhibitors to cut off all estrogen and progesterone in my body. Because I have one ovary left in me (but incased in an inoperable tumor), they will most likely give me monthly shots to make sure it is not working on any level. Blood tests have somewhat confirmed this but we want to give me the best shot to see if the AI’s will work for me. In some LMS patients, this is a magic trick and they get a lot of shrinkage. For others, their LMS cancer just grows out of control. I am highly receptive to estrogen and progesterone, so I am hoping it will help. But as always, it is a crap shoot and we won’t know until we give it a try. Now if the scans are not stable in March, that is a different ballgame. I will then not be getting a holiday…I will be making a choice with my sarcoma specialist of the next chemo agent to pick, while still trying to give me a good quality of life. So there it is. We wait until March unless I can’t tolerate the Doxil for the next three months. I have an echocardiogram scheduled the first week in January to make sure my heart is staying healthy. Doxil will eventually attack your heart and I am getting close to the point where it could happen. So all in all, in case you were wondering, this is good news. They doctor is happy with where I am at right now. I have had a stable year and I am leading an active life (although not as active as I would like). Honestly, it could have gone so much worse this year and I have been stable. This is a blessing. I asked him about the COVID-19 vaccine and he said to take it the first time it is offered to me. So I will. I would love to get my life back a bit.

My sons and daughter-in-law are going to get tested prior to coming home this next week. They will each be here a short time, but I will take whatever I can get! Tim is trying to stay busy during his break in his master’s program…he has been in school full-time, non-stop since May, and is now lost with the free time when he doesn’t have to study. He is half-way done! Joe has been working as a firefighter for three weeks now. He had his first 24 hour shift at his full-time gig yesterday and then his first 24 hour shift at his part-time gig Saturday. He’ll have Sunday off and then work again Monday for a 24 hour shift. He seems to be enjoying it so far. Michelle is doing great but ready for a bit of a vacation. Lily is on her semester break and curious as to how her spring semester will pan out schedule-wise. Rich is plugging away at the store. They had 24,000 lbs of weights delivered this week and a number of bigger fitness equipment….all in time for Christmas and New Year’s resolutions. We are short-staffed right now and I am not in a place where I can go work retail on the floor, unfortunately. But all seems to be going well for all of us…again a blessing after this crazy year.

Thanks to the Miller family for a plate of goodies, and for MeiLing Marshall’s goat milk soap (which I nearly took a bite out of because it looks like peanut butter and chocolate fudge – to my defense, Rich thought the same!) and her gift that is under the tree awaiting Christmas. My awesome husband has planned a trip for himself, Lily, and I to go to Beaver Creek, Colorado during the 2nd week of January. Tim will come down to join us at a lodge. I am going to explore and take photos and walk. They will ski two of the days and we will all do a snowmobiling trip up to some beautiful sites near there on another day. It will be nice to get away. We’ll be gone 6 whole days (minus 2 for driving). I can’t wait! It will be nice to get a trip in before my next round of chemo. We are hoping to take some more of these as time and my health permits. I feel like I have lost so much opportunities for travel due to COVID this year when I was feeling good, which was really frustrating. Something to look forward to! I love snow and the cold….and the mountains. Can’t wait!

Here is a quick note to acknowledge some people who are wonderful!

Thanks to Michelle Krueger for a plateful of goodies and packages that are under the tree for Christmas! She is a gem among friends and I am blessed that God set her punching back next to mine (or vice versa!) Thank you to Amy Johnson who sent me my favorite chocolate treats to our door! Sooooo yummy! Thank you! To my mom, who made me some hot pads with character (a reflection of my character). I use them everyday for hot pans coming out of the oven! Thank you! To Catherine Schroeder, who dropped off a gift to me at our store….and it is under the tree waiting for Christmas! Thank you! For Mr. and Mrs. Lois Doyle, who send me uplifting, spirit-filled cards every other week or so. I am humbled to know you for over 30 years now. You are a true blessing. And last but certainly not least, thank you to Kathy Martz (who even sported her Patriots hat to my house) for these crafty treasures below. I am so thank you you are in my life!

December 17, 2019 – A year ago today I had my first chemo treatment. I took a picture for my family to let them know I was fine and fighting. I had blonde, straight hair, makeup, and you could see my smile. Rich was able to spend the whole time with me. It was scary, going into the cancer infusion center at Bergan Mercy for the first time. It freaked Rich out a bit. There were a lot of really sick people in there….the cancer patient you think of in movies…no hair…skeletal thin…and with that weird grayish-yellow tinge to their skin. I looked so healthy in comparison. Little did we know I would mimic that look (minus the skeletal look) within the next month or two. My first chemo combo was not good to me. It shrunk my tumors but nearly killed me because of a crazy lung reaction I had to it.

December 17, 2020 – Fast forward to today. I was again in the infusion center. It was packed. Packed is relative term since everyone has to be physically distanced now. I had since the year prior been bald for several months and then my hair grew back on my second kind of chemo…but came in dark and curly. Between the steroids, having to eat a little bit often to keep the nausea down, decreased activity, and being forced quickly and chemically into menopause, I have regretfully also gained nearly 30 lbs. This I hate. I am used to being so active and right now I am doing as much as I can by walking 4-5 miles a day with Tallinn. I get tired. My feet hurt due to hand/foot syndrome. But I am way better than I was at the end of last year. After my first chemo treatment photo with the ASL sign for “I love you”, it became a tradition. Rich has not been to my chemo treatments since April. The nurses are happy to take my photo for me. I have a teleconference in less than an hour with my sarcoma specialist at the Mayo Clinic. A plan for the beginning of 2021 will be made. So I will post later. Here’s to being around and being healthy on December 17, 2021!

I put this on Facebook and everyone seemed to love it, so I thought I would share it here as well. Rich, Lily, Tallinn and I try to go for a walk in the woods, around a lake, or somewhere fun and different than the neighborhood every Sunday. It was cold yesterday and Lily (being the stalwart teen girl she is) always grumps about being forced to go. This happens EVERY Sunday. This photo just captured it. Tallinn is in the back and has his head poked over the seat to see his family and where we are headed. Lily is often close to his head (he loves her) and she is complaining that Tallinn is breathing on her. We have one child (and she’ll be 16 in a few weeks!) at home and we still have the sibling complaints in the car.

I have been really been able to practice my patience since my cancer diagnosis. It is so ironic that the people who are trying their best to extend the length of my life, also make me wait indeterminable amounts of time. I go to the oncologist and I wait for him. Then I wait for the lab results to come back. Then I wait for the pharmacy to mix my meds. I wait…and wait…and wait. I find myself thinking that it is so crazy that my life is shorted by decades and here I am spending all this time waiting. Waiting for the pandemic to loosen its grip on Nebraska so I can feel more comfortable with going out places. Well, that is also what advent is about. Waiting. But not waiting twiddling our thumbs as Christmas marches towards us, or frantically shopping online….click…click…click…but waiting in prayerful awe as a miracle is about to happen. The miracle we celebrate every year at this time, Christ’s birth. I wasn’t raised Catholic. I became Catholic as an adult. I was raised Lutheran…Missouri Synod German Lutheran. (yeah, the strict ones!) I was raised in a home with an Advent wreath and never knew the rest of the world didn’t do this as well! I continued the tradition when I started my own family. The wreath is made of greenery (fake, in my case, to be able to use every year). Mine has winterberries and pinecones on it. There are four candles: three purple and one pink (or rose). They each stand for something different. Advent starts 4 Sundays prior to Christmas, so in 2020, it started on Nov 29th. It also marks the beginning of the new liturgical church year in both the Catholic and Lutheran Churches. It is not uncommon for the pastor to greet the congregation with “Happy New Year” that day in church. Each Sunday we light a candle. At our house, we light the candle every evening as we eat our evening meal. The candles represent hope, love, joy and peace. There is a fifth candle we light starting Christmas Eve…a big fat white one placed in the middle called the Christ candle. This past week was the third week of advent, where we light the pink candle representing Joy. We rejoice during this somber, prayerful time of waiting because the waiting is almost over….the end is in sight. A friend of mine, Kelly Nelson, places a pregnant Mary in the center of her Advent wreath, and then replaces it on Christmas eve with the Holy Family. I LOVED that idea so did so as well with mine. I have some carved wood figures from Bethlehem I am using. Happy waiting!

I am not even sure where to start with these folks. I belonged to the Impact Kickboxing gym for about 2 years before I had to stop kickboxing there and start kicking cancer’s butt from home. I had a brief time over the summer where I was able to kickbox in my garage. I would still like to get back to that if I can get another heavy bag. Kickboxing on blood thinners is not necessarily what the doctor would like for me to do…but man, I sure do miss working out my frustrations on a bag. It is as much for my mental health as my physical. Anyhow, I digress. Impact’s fit fam (as they call themselves) were such a support to me when I was first diagnosed with stage IV cancer. They rallied around me and I was so incredibly touched by the outpouring of love. I had only ever gone to the 5:30 a.m. class…so I had some regulars that I was pretty close with in that class. Kickboxing is not the kind of workout you get to talk through. If you can talk through it, you aren’t working hard enough. I got to know these folks for 10 minute talks before and after class…and the classic eyeroll passing between us throughout class. ( I am particularly guilty of this). Through social media (we have our own private Facebook group), I got to know other people at the gym that go to other classes. They rallied around me to bring meals…even on Thanksgiving Day (Michelle Krueger, her sisters, and Heather Doyle are the bomb). They were just over-the-top supportive. This is a very diverse group of people….from all walks of life and experiences. I am blessed to call them friends. Even when a lot of my church friends quickly faded away into the woodwork of the pandemic quiet…these folks were still sending me texts and messages online…dropping by with flowers (Ruth) and plates of goodies (Michelle Krueger again!) and sending me warm thoughts. Are these folks Catholics? Some… Are they Christian? Some…. Are they covered in tattoos and swear every 4th word? Many…. But they have such good souls and have moved me to tears with their compassion and support even though many I haven’t seen in over a year now. Thank you! If you ever need a gym to go to…these folks are the best in Omaha! You will get a good workout and a supportive family if you just let them in! Here’s one of my latest messages from this past weekend. This crazy guy dresses up in outfits and works out in them. It is a total morale booster for everyone. He was a reindeer the other day. His transformation has been amazing! Thanks Jonathan Hart…you are the best!

Okay, so I do not have a big green thumb. That happens when you only get to live someplace for 3 years at a time. However, we have a ton of plants in our house. When I first had my two cancer surgeries 6.5 years ago, I got a plant from Ed & Wanda Oslica….a pink Cyclamen (or as I call them, inside-out flowers). I managed to keep that plant alive and happy for 6 years. It grew so big that Rich replanted it. It didn’t survive the repotting, unfortunately. It totally broke my heart. When I had my surgery last November, the Oslicas again gave me a plant of Cyclamen….this time white. It was so pretty! However, it all of a sudden didn’t do well and then as Rich tried to revive it and it got overwatered. It is in a sad state right now and I am still hopeful it may revive itself. I was totally gutted though…I had these plants that brought me such joy as they would bloom all the time…especially during the winter months. When Lily and I were at Mulhall’s they had tons of these potted plants in all sorts of colors I had never seen. I was so very tempted to buy one for myself but I told Lily it wouldn’t be the same…as those flowers meant something special to me being from a good friend who was wishing me well. They are my “you can do this and get better” flowers. So I passed on buying some for myself.

The next day, I had a message from a friend of mine from my kickboxing gym. I hadn’t seen Ruth in forever and she had something she was going to drop by. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see her (which is probably a good thing as I would have been a soppy mess on the doorstep), but she dropped by a gorgeous red Cyclamen plant for me. I accused Rich of telling her about this. He totally denied it. Even Lily came out of her room and saw it and said…”What are the chances?????” I totally feel like the Holy Spirit was working through Ruth that day. I got a little nudge from God saying that He was still there and still in control. Thank you Ruth Ehler! You totally made the rest of my month!

There is a garden store in Omaha called Mulhall’s. It isn’t far from our house but I had never been there before. I heard a radio advertisement saying they had European glass ornaments and then saw a post on Facebook they had live reindeer until Dec 19th….well, I figured I should go. Lily and I went on a Monday during the middle of the day, in the hopes that it wouldn’t be crowded. It wasn’t and we had a blast! I was proud of the fact that I left empty-handed (and Rich was relieved, I am sure) but Lily and I really had a great time. Dancer and Prancer were there and I got to talk to a mom and her 4 year old son about reindeer. We lived in Norway for 3 years and had the wonderful opportunity to attend Sami Days in the Artic Circle one February. We did all things reindeer that weekend and I learned so much. It was one of my favorite trips ever…and I have been on a lot of them. It was so nice to just talk to someone I didn’t know…goodness, it is nice to talk in person to anyone. Anyhow, Mulhall’s is huge! We just wandered around to all the areas looking at the ornaments…smelling the wonderful German cinnamon nuts they were making, and picking out the plants we would love to have at our home. They even had pineapple trees with tiny pineapples on them! It was so fun! Lily loves plants. It allowed her to set aside her moody teenage self and just allow the two of us to connect over the wonder of the whole place. Lily is hard to shop for so now I have some ideas for her 16th birthday, which is Jan 4th. Here are some pictures from our time that afternoon.