Mother’s Day has been hard on me the last three years. I miss hearing from Joe on the phone….getting his funny card in the mail. Rich left Thursday night for Kansas City to move Lily out of the dorms. They then flew to Florida to spend Mother’s Day with Rich’s mom. His siblings were there as well as a niece and nephew, so there was a mini family reunion going on. Unfortunately, Rich’s mom has moderate to severe Alzheimer’s and doesn’t really know who anyone is. However, I am sure she enjoyed having a full house of people to entertain her. I am still in the throes of my EMT class…so I couldn’t go anywhere. When Rich realized that I would be alone for Mother’s Day, he made plans to have Tim fly in from San Diego for the weekend. He came in around 1 a.m. on Saturday morning and left around 6 p.m. Sunday evening, so it was a quick trip, but it was so nice to have him here!

I stayed up late to go pick him up from the airport. Luckily, that gave me no excuse whatsoever to not go out and photograph the northern lights Friday night. I chose to go to the city beach in Whitefish. Here are some of my photographs from my phone from that night:

The next day we went to Glacier National Park to walk around. Things are starting to open up in the park already. There was a line to get into the park and lots of people were there as well. It didn’t hurt that it was sunny, clear and 80 degrees outside. Here are a few photos from that:

We spent the later part of the day watching UFC fights together (we normally have to text each other each weekend during the fights, so it was fun to just watch them together), and we watched the Celtics beat the Cavs. So a great night! Tallinn got lots of extra attention and we were able to step outside the backdoor and take a few northern lights photos again Saturday night.

Sunday we went to Mass, then spent some time working out in the garage together. It was a very special treat to do pad drills with Tim. He is a very good instructor and it was nice to not just have to hit a heavy bag or a speed bag, but take instruction from someone holding focus mitts. Not quite the typical Mother’s Day that most moms would love, but it was perfect for me. He even got me a candle (which is hysterical) and a new jump rope! He swears by this jump rope and I have been having no luck finding one I like. They are NOT ALL THE SAME. Anyhow, used it this morning and he was right, I love it!

I got to talk to both Lily and Michelle on the phone and that made my day even better. Tim is safe back at his place now and Tallinn and I are enjoying some quiet time together. He is loving the warmer weather and I am loving the visits I am getting from the hummingbirds (who are not going to my feeder, but hanging out around my hanging plants.

I did want to mention that I had my 6 month scans done on Friday. The preliminary results were stability again and possibly some shrinkage. Either way, good news. I meet with my Mayo Clinic doctor via zoom next week for the results they see. They always re-read the scans as they know what they are looking for.

I am plugging away at my EMT class. I had a shift last week with the local ambulance service (and we received absolutely no calls – they called me a “white cloud”) and I have my second shift tomorrow. I will be doing on scene classroom work all weekend. So we are on our final big push, graduating in about 4 weeks. I am learning lots, but I am ready to be done with all the classwork and studying. They mentioned the first night of class that they hoped we had cleared our social calendar for the next 10 weeks because we would be eating, breathing, and sleeping EMT stuff. They were not wrong.

Facebook is not always a blessing in my life, but at times, it is. Before moving to the promised land of Montana last summer, we lived for 13 years in the Omaha area in Nebraska. I have lived there more than any other place. I love the people there. They are just so kind and look out for each other. On Friday, several large tornadoes hit the Omaha area. People in Elkhorn, Bennington Lake, Waverly, and Eppley Airport were all hit HARD. The F-2 and F-3 tornadoes then marched across the river and hit Iowa. I have to say, blessings. How could this be a blessing? Several neighborhoods were completely flattened. The tornadoes, which typically happen in the darkness of night, happened in the middle of the day. People were at work…kids were at school. People just weren’t really home. No one was killed or seriously injured. What a blessing! The community is coming together to help one another in ways you just can’t even imagine. There are so many angels working in the faces of the citizens of the Midwest right now. I am in awe of the stories coming from friends there. Blessings. It reminds me of the quote from today. (I get a quote of the day via email, which is one of the best things I ever opted into!) The quote is from Albert Einstein. “Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value.” Love it!

Another Facebook thank you….those memories it sends you each day. Today it sent me photos from 10 years ago…which happened to be Easter weekend when we lived in Bellevue, Nebraska. Tim was finishing up his last month of his senior year and had a fresh set of stitches on his cheek bone from the opening rugby weekend match. He was the lector that Sunday, with his stitches and shiner. Lily was in the 3rd grade and adorable. Joe was a freshman at the University of Central Missouri, and he brought home his girlfriend of 2 months to meet his parents. Her name was Michelle Schneidler and she would later become Michelle Messina. I remember Joe and Tim throwing the rugby ball around in the front yard while Michelle and I sat and talked on the front steps for hours. Joe knew this was the test. I was pretty honest with him when there were people he associated with that I didn’t respect or like. He never made friend choices because of what I said, but he always asked my opinion. I loved her immediately. I love her still. Joe gave me so many wonderful gifts, but he gave me this beautiful daughter-in-law to love. It was one of the most wonderful things. I feel like she has been a part of our family for more than a decade. I know that perhaps life will bless her with another love, and I hope she knows she will always be loved by our family and be considered a Messina. I miss her, being so far away now. Thankfully, her little sister-in-law lives in the same town! Here are some photos from that Easter Sunday, 10 years ago:

Today, after Mass, I presented my priest with the Maltese cross I wear everyday. It is a fireman’s badge with Joe’s FF number on it. He had commented on it a couple of months ago…what a lovely cross it was. I never really thought of it as a cross, but as a badge. But it is a Maltese cross, and so I asked one of my favorite priests, our Fr. Sean Raftis, to bless it today. I told him the story of my Joe. He said some of the nicest, kindest words about Joe…even though he had never met him. He didn’t simply just bless the cross I am never without, but talked about the thanksgiving for a man who led a life of service to others. It was such a blessing to me. Here are photos of the cross I always wear:

I came across this recently and wanted to share it with you. My Joe wrote this right before he graduated from high school in 2013. So much of it hits home to me now. Remember that Joe was dyslexic, so there are some things that aren’t quite right in here…which makes me love it so much more. He reflects on people dying…the Sandyhook shooting. So here is it…in Joe’s words:

Joe Messina

Period 2

Mr. Huertz

Speech

Wow! I can’t believe it’s over! High school has been so crazy! I don’t think any of us were expected all of the difficulties of being a high school teen. But we made it! So many things happen to us that it all kind of just gets put into one big memory. Things like; losing friends that we never thought we would but also graining better ones, high school sweet hearts, and always a lot of drama that everyone goes through! So many things have happened in these past four years! The world has changed so much! We were introduced to the explosion of smart phones, hash tagging, and even lived past the end of the world!! I know my parents were staying “That I was lucky to live to see 2012!” But looking back to this year we really are luck. The kids and the teachers in New town don’t ever get to do these things ever again. It makes us think about the moments we have in life. It has made us as human beings come together and become closer than anyone ever thought. After this tragic event it really made me want to never waist my time ever again! We never know how long we have left in this life. Our lives are just a speck on the timeline of history. But even a speck on histories timeline can make a difference in the future. All we can do is to trying to be remembered.

So I ask you if your going to do something, do it all with all your heart. Do things that matter to you. Never give up on something that you love. In Rocky, Sylvester Stallone says “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it isn’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward!”

 It is our generation that is going to change the world! The future is ours and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. It’s the decision we make, that may change everything we know. But high school is only one section of our lives.

Now that everyone is going there separate ways. People are going to college, some to the military and some who knows where. We will always have moment in high school that we ill always remember but these are just moments. We won’t remember every things or everyone from high school, it’s a given fact. Even people in the future won’t always remember you and that is okay! The world is so big that it shouldn’t matter what one person thinks about you. As long as you do what makes you happy nothing else should matter. Those people who tell you, you can’t are part of the world that is trying to beating you down! We just got to brush things off and stand up so we can keep moving forward.     

I imagine that a lot of you will look at the title of this post and decide to skip it. It isn’t supposed to be a sad thing to read about but an educational one. Our society is very grief illiterate. I used to be one of those people. I, probably like you, thought that grief was something that you just went through. I am here to tell you that it is not. Once grief has its hooks in you, it’s there for a lifetime. I have had to really “tighten my tribe” since my Joe died. I did it once when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer and then when I thought I had my group of people who would be there through thick and thin, my Joe died. It was almost as if other people thought that by witnessing my horrific loss, they thought it would happen to them. I have a small group of women that I am in contact with every few days. They have all lost at least one of their children as well. There is no need to put on a mask for these people or put on a show that I am fine. They know life will never be the same, so there are no pretenses. We talk about the hard stuff. We talk about the stuff that others would never occur to talk about that can activate our feelings of grief. Examples would be going to the grocery store and seeing you son’s favorite food. The memories coming flooding back. Right there in the grocery store. Experiencing a wonderful event with a friend’s adult child…whether it be a promotion at work, a wedding, a birth of a grandchild. I am truly happy for those people but there is this undercurrent of sadness…knowing I won’t have grandchildren. I mentioned to this group of friends that grief is like a blanket that you always have to wear. Some days it is light weight and almost see-through….other days, it is like one of those weighted blankets that wears on you and eventually brings you to your knees. Either way, the public doesn’t get to see your true self anymore because you are always and forever, covered in this blanket. So here is the first of the many poems I will share with you in this post. This one is called “How to Talk to the Grieving” by Donna Ashworth (my total favorite):

How to Talk to the Grieving

Firstly, do not be afraid that you will upset them, with poorly-chosen words.

For you cannot.

They are in a world of pain my friend.

And whilst you cannot help them, your kindness has weight.

So just show up, or stay away, depending on their pain level that day.

But show you care.

And be very sure to remind them that the person they are missing mattered.

You cannot choose the wrong words if you let your soul do the talking, to their soul.

And if you listen closely, the person who has left may help you with your quest of comfort.

Or they will urge you to wrap their loved one in your arms.

Do not fear how you will speak to the grieving my friend.

Providing you never say, it’s time to move on.

~ Donna Ashworth

I can go days without having any big meltdowns. Sometimes that is actually worse because that means I am avoiding my grief. Grief is sneaky. It will always find you….in the grocery store…or in Michael’s craft store buying decorations for your other child’s high school graduation, and one that Joe would have moved the world to be at. So you learn to live with grief. It’s like carrying a big rock in your pocket. You can always feel the weight of it against your leg. You know it is there with you always. Slowly, over time, you get used to carrying the weight and feeling it rub against your leg, but it never goes away. So here is another favorite poem by the same author:

How Do I Live Without You?

How do I live without you?

Oh my love I do not.

You are with me from the moment I open my eyes

Until they close.

And even after that,

On the plane of dreams where mortals and souls meet, you are with me still.

“I’ve not learned to live without you,

Perhaps I never will,

The truth of the matter is,

You are always with me still.

You walked such a blazing pathway, when your feet were on this earth, that your imprint lingers on and I place my own feet in your steps, one by one.

How do I live without you?

It’s really very simple.

I do not.

“I have yet to live without you,

Perhaps I never will,

Perhaps the key to grief is,

You are always with me still.”

~ Donna Ashworth

I am very lucky to have had Joe in my life for a little over 27 years. He was such a vibrant soul and even though he is no longer walking this earth, I feel his presence. I have some lovely memorial windchimes that seem to start clanging just when I need to feel his presence. It is a calm day out today and since I sat down and started typing this post, the windchimes have been clanging and singing to me. I know Joe is right by my side as I talk about some of my intimate feelings surrounding his loss in my life. It means a lot to me because I belong in two kinds of groups right now: chronic cancer support groups and grief support groups. There is no cross over between groups and that makes it hard. I don’t like to talk about my cancer diagnosis with my friends in my grief group because several of them lost their children to cancer. They talking about death in a chronic cancer group who are struggling to survive, yeah. Not quite. There are very few people that I can talk to both about. Both topics are enough to shun most people away just talking about one – talk about both and it is just A LOT. I know, I am living through it. A couple of nights ago I had two of my favorite zoom meeting groups going – one for cancer and one for Catholic grieving moms. Love both of them, and I usually have to pick on or the other once a month as they fall on the same night at the same time. For the first time in 2 years, I didn’t do either. I had had enough grief of children and cancer talk. I watched a basketball game on TV instead, and tried not to let my Catholic guilt get the better of me. I was sent a beautiful poem from the Catholic mom’s grieving group though, that really resonated with me and I would like to share it with you:

To Honor You

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.

And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile And the

way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love, I know

now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked, And sing at the

top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, Risk

making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh

and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

~ Connie F. Kiefer Byrd

I absolutely love this! Rich and I are honoring Joe in several ways, and each time we do, we feel his presence. I especially love being a volunteer fireman. Now I am going through EMT school and I am thinking Joe is with me all the time. I just have to be willing to open my eyes, ears, and heart to feeling his presence.

I have share before that one of the medications that I take to hold my cancer at bay gives me very vivid dreams. I wake up exhausted because I feel like I have been awake all night. Compound that with the inability to fall asleep most nights….and well, I am tired a lot. Before you all start recommending pills and teas and such, I don’t like tea and I don’t want to take more pills. I already take about a dozen a day and I don’t like it. It is the minimum to counteract all the side effects of the drugs I actually HAVE to take. Plus, I am a volunteer fireman and first responder. I want to have a clear head when I answer a call at 0430 a.m. That is important to me. Anyhow, I was rehashing several different very vivid dreams to Rich this morning. It actually only took me about 30 minutes to fall asleep last night rather than an hour and 30 minutes, so there was that. But I had the most vivid dream that I was at a military installation with Tim. Tim was telling the SSGT we were talking to that he was leaving to join the Army in October. (never an interest of Tim’s, so I found this odd, even in my dream) But then another soldier came in and told me that Joe hadn’t really died. (in the dream he hadn’t died in a car accident but a military deployment). He told me that there had been a miscommunication about his whereabouts and that he had been in a hospital in Libya this whole time, injured. I remember just screaming and screaming and asking them how we would break the news to Michelle about him still being alive. I literally felt like the weight of an entire boulder was lifted off of me…the grief blanket x10 was lifted off of me. It was so real that i felt I needed to wake up and tell Rich….until I realized that I had to wake up in order to do that, and it was just a dream. However, that feeling of being light didn’t leave me. I was telling Rich about all of this this morning. I then brought up my scripture readings for the day. The gospel reading was the one that I read at Joe’s Celebration of Life. I thought, “hmmm….someone important is speaking to me.” Then I went to let out the dog. I stood on the back steps waiting for Tallinn. He was taking forever (he is usually pretty food driven, so he doesn’t take long, as he was ready for his breakfast). A tiny little bright blue bird landed 3 feet from me. He was not at all afraid of me. He sat there and just looked a me for several seconds. He was a tiny little thing and when he flew off, he landed on the side of the lodgepole pine, like a woodpecker. So many people recognize cardinals as birds sent to loved ones from those whom have passed. We don’t have cardinals in my area of Montana, which made me sad. These little guys bring me joy though, so I hope they will linger around during the summer and I can figure out what exactly they are. I am expecting the hummingbirds to arrive any day now. Gotta get my hummingbird feeder out!

Well, I have a cancer group dinner tonight with a bunch of wonderful local gals and I am still in my workout clothes. I wanted to share those three poems with you all because they are some of my favorites that absolutely speak to my soul. Have a great weekend everyone!

I didn’t quite know what to call this post. It has been awhile since I have posted anything, and there is a lot I want to say about so many things.

First off, I am doing well physically. I just had labs, an oncology visit and a treatment yesterday afternoon. My labs are great…everything is normal. My oncologist left my hospital a couple of months ago. No word on why or anything. I don’t know if he was ad locum….just a temporary person or what. Anyhow, I was not notified my oncologist had left the hospital system or what would happen to me. I discovered his absence at a scheduled appointment with him when I saw an oncology nurse practitioner instead. I like her…but as someone with stage IV cancer, I do need a doctor, I believe. When I asked if I would be reassigned to another oncologist, I was told they were down 2 dr’s at this point and that I could be given to the next ad locum physician to arrive (sometime in the next few months). Fast forward to yesterday where I found out that I pay a copay for my NP visits that is 7 times what it is for a doctor. I will be calling the hospital billing on Monday to get that hammered out. It isn’t my fault I have to see a NP…they can pick up the extra money as far as I am concerned. But, in the same breath, I love the NP….she seems to be more in tuned to what is going on with me, and I am thrilled that I have health insurance that is covering the lion’s share of my exorbitant medical bills. It is not cheap to have cancer…or get it treated. I am so fortunate.

The month of February and into the first weekend of March, I took an EMR (emergency medical response) course locally. It allows me to do more in the field when I am on medical calls with the volunteer fire department. I took the class with three other young guys from our department and I am so glad I did this. I got to know them all pretty well and we’ll have memories from class that I will laugh at for the rest of my life. I now have a go pack I carry with me at all times, as well as an oxygen tank and hook ups in another bag and an AED in another. I have a whole section of the pack of my car that holds first aid stuff. I usually still go to the fire hall to ride on a rig to the scene, but I do have the option of heading straight there in my personal vehicle if I am closer and it is a call that needs immediate assistance. I had to take a national registry exam and then get licensed by the state of Montana as well. It was a process! However, I had forgotten how much I enjoy working in the medical field and trying to help people. You would think having a nursing degree would help…and it does somewhat, but first responder care is a whole different ballgame. So, after thinking about it for about 5 minutes, I decided to go ahead and go for my EMT license. I am about 1/3 of the way through that class right now. It is no joke. Lots of information but I am glad I went through my EMR training just recently, but that has helped me alot. I want to be able to help more with the QRU (quick response unit) at our fire dept, and I think having an EMT license would help me do a better job of that. I have to say that I am in awe of my Joe as I go through this class. Yes, I have a 53-year-old brain that has chemo brain and grief fog…but my book has nearly 1500 pages. It is A LOT. Joe did the class, and he has dyslexia. He was preparing for paramedic school when he died. God bless his heart. I can’t imagine having a reading disorder and taking this class. I will finish June 9th. I am trying to push hard to get some of the assignments done ahead of time and get ahead of the reading so I can study more at the end of the class. Here are a few photos with me and the guys from Badrock Volunteer Fire Department.

Lily is doing well. I can’t believe she will be finishing up her freshman year at the Kansas City Art Institute in just 3 weeks! We were able to go down to Kansas City for 6 days and spend some time with her when she wasn’t in class. We are in the process of purchasing a duplex for her and some of her friends to live in for the rest of their time there. KCAI is a very small school and doesn’t have enough housing for all their freshmen, who are required to live on campus. Therefore, we needed to find a spot for her for the next three years. We were fortunate enough to work with the real estate group that our Joe once worked with. They helped us find an old house that had been refurbished and made into a duplex that was not yet on the market. Many of the neighborhoods near her school have homes built in the early 1900’s. This house will need some TLC on the outside, but the inside is completely redone. Lily and her friends will live on the top floor starting in August and the bottom floor is rented out long term. We close in about 3 weeks – just in time for Rich to move Lily out of the dorms. She has really blossomed a lot in her year away from home. It is fun to talk to her and hear about her opinion on things. She is already lamenting the fact that we will be gone half the time she is back here for the summer traveling while she is finding work here in Montana.

Tim is doing well. He is now full swing into post season basketball season and is currently working for the women’s and men’s basketball teams at UCSD. They are in the process of hiring a men’s sport performance coach but for now, he is pulling double duty. He has enjoyed his time in San Diego, but they are not paying him enough to make ends meet in the expensive area where he lives. He is hoping to get a substantial raise but has also applied to other jobs as well. He has had a few interviews and we are in the same spot I feel like he has been in many times before….just waiting and seeing how things shake out. As a mom, I feel he works such long hours and should be paid more. California is expensive. He could make ends meet in other parts of the country on his salary, but not San Diego. I just want him to be paid for his hard work appropriately. Yep, I am ready to go Mama Bear on these folks. He was able to come and visit for a whole week in the middle of March. It was great to have him stay for awhile and get to see our neck of the woods and witness our life here a bit. He went skiing one day with Rich and one day without him (because Rich was on crutches from a bad wipeout the day prior). Rich is STILL recovering a month later. He was only on crutches for 3 days, but he is still really sore and can overdo it easily. I am so thankful Tim was there and was behind Rich and saw the whole thing happen. At Big Mountain in Whitefish, they have a clinic with an x-ray machine right there at the base of the mountain. We put three 1000 piece puzzles together (puzzles have been a favorite pastime of Tim’s since he was really little) and we even went to a game night at the fire hall so he could meet some of our fire department friends. It was a great time and we managed to watch some pretty good basketball and UFC fights while he was here as well. It was nice to watch it live with him and not have to text between every time out in basketball or round in MMA fighting. I got to try out some new recipes on him and that is always fun. Don’t know when he’ll be back up here, but I hope he makes coming up here for his post season break a habit. Below are pictures of me with my favorite leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, and the photo Tim took of Rich getting pulled down the mountain.

Once I finished my EMR class in early March, I started a crazy traveling for the month. Our first trip was to Kansas City. I mentioned earlier we were able to spend some time with Lily. We did. We also spent some time with our daughter-in-law, Michelle. March 6th was the 2 year mark of our Joe’s death. Last year we had a big party at our house and invited all his friends to come. This year we just didn’t know what to do. We kind of decided last minute to head to Kansas City and be with Lily and Michelle, Joe’s best friend, Zac, and just be with his people who loved him. We were so blessed to spend that morning with Michelle. Some of the firefighters from Joe’s department (can’t speak highly enough of his firefighter brotherhood at Olathe) had rebuilt her back deck for her. We got a tour of the house…she has been putting her touches here and there with furniture moving around and different color paints going on the walls and kitchen island. The place looked great. She graciously gave us some time with Joe’s ashes. We then took some of his ACU’s to an army friend of his. The Army is no longer wearing the same pattern as when Joe went through boot camp, but they wanted them anyhow, as they may working on a display to go beside his photo at the armory where he had his celebration of life. We found all his stuff from boot camp in a closet in the basement….the last rubbermaid container to go through before we moved. I had no idea it had been down there for years. He saved all his letters he got from people when he was there in Georgia. I sent Michelle’s letters back to her. At any rate, we could not find it in our hearts to throw these uniforms away or donate them, so we were so relieved when his army buddies were willing to take them. The night of March 6th, we sent an open invitation to his friends from all walks of life to come to the Chicken N Pickle for food, drinks, and Joe stories. A group came that knew him from college, his closest friends were there, fraternity friends, and a good sized group from his Olathe fire department showed as well. Most of the folks I knew, the rest I tried to get to know. There were no tears and a lot of laughs, as Joe would have wanted it. I knew the room to commandeer for the evening as it was empty and it had a message in bright lights that Joe would have really liked. I miss him so much. The grief has never waivered. It is just absolutely awful to lose a child. But the pain is a little softer. I often feel his presence when I need to the most. Here is a photo of the sign and a photo of my Joe and his Moose.

We got back to Montana and Tim landed within 24 hours of us getting back from KC. That was a great week at home with him (minus Rich’s skiing accident). We left for Las Vegas just a couple of days after Tim left to go back to California. This was a short trip…just 3.5 days for a work training conference. We stayed at the Paris Hotel with about 125 other people all sporting their Cruise Planners Green. The first night after training we went to dinner at the Stratosphere at the restaurant at the top called “Top of the World”. We had a friend here in Montana that knew the owner and pulled some strings to get us a reservation. It was swanky. The top is all glass and moves around in a circle slowly so you can see all of Las Vegas. The only somewhat weird thing was every now and then there were bodies dropping by the windows. People pay good money to jump off of that building. It is VERY high up. The food was great and we even ordered a slice of chocolate cake (that was the very best thing ever….and we only had room for a couple of bites. We worked on that cake for 2 days!) Anyhow, the service was amazing, the food spectacular, and just when we were going to pay the bill, we were told our dinner was on the house. What a totally unexpected surprise! The second night, we went to a show at the sphere. It is an imax movie on steroids. We saw the show Postcards from Earth. It was amazing. It is the world’s largest hi-def screen and the seats move so when that giant elephant to marching toward you, the ground literally shakes. Prior to the show starting, you get to go in an hour early and get to talk with their interactive robots. Their faces and hands are so realistic! They can see and can answer questions and tell jokes. The more you talk to them, the more they learn. It was kinda creepy, to be quite honest, but very cool. It was a quick trip to Vegas but Rich and I agreed that Vegas just isn’t our vibe. It couldn’t be any more different than our little part of heaven in Montana. We were happy to go back home. Our brains were filled with work info and our eyes were tired of the flashing lights. Unfortunately, our parent company feels that to cater to the western side of the U.S. companies, everything should be in Vegas. So I am sure we’ll be back at some point. It was March madness during our time there so a lot of basketball gambling going on. Even the sphere turned into a basketball every now and then. That photo is from our table at the Strat.

We got back and I left a couple of days later to go visit my mom and dad in the Houston area. I usually try and go to Texas for my mom’s birthday (and my dad’s as well if I live close enough), but this year, I was starting my EMT class with a three day in person training, and couldn’t make her birthday, so I went a bit early. I was only there for a few days, but didn’t waste one moment of the time I was there. I got to spend time with my mom and doing some tasks she needed to have done around the house. I also got to spend time each day with my dad, who is in a memory care facility and no longer remembers who I am. That is hard, but he is so gentle and so polite to everyone, that I am mush in his hand. He seems to be a favorite at the place he lives. He gets a big twinkle in his eyes when he knows he gets to leave and go out for a hamburger. My father hasn’t remembered my mom’s name for a couple of years now, but affectionately calls her, “my lady.” I know this is not at all how they envisioned their golden years looking like, but they are making it work. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking all in the same breath. I managed to spend some time with my brother, Craig, and his wonderful family. I got to watch Alex, my nephew, practice basketball and spend some time chatting with him. I got to give Emily Jo a little baby doll that I gave Lily when we adopted her from China. It was just the right size for her little hands. I hope she loves on it. My mom and I took a morning to go to the Brenham area and look for bluebonnets. They have a bumper crop of them this year. I have several photos on my good camera but haven’t had the opportunity to look at them yet. I did take a few with my phone though. I did meet a lovely pair of women – mother and daughter – who were originally from Japan. I stopped and took a photo of them with their cell phone. They got a kick out of me talking Japanese to them. They quickly lost me though. I am out of practice. It was so awesome to see their faces break out into huge grins when I starting saying “1-2-3- cheese!) in Japanese. Here are some bluebonnets:

So now I have been back in Montana for a few weeks. I have been keeping super busy with EMT class. It is only 10 weeks long and there are quite a few assignments along with classes a couple of times a week. Every 3 weeks or so, we have a clinical weekend where we meet for 9 hours on both Saturday and Sunday to do hands-on stuff. It is a lot. I can’t lie. I will be happy when I can get all my EMT stuff off my desk and get my life back a bit! It will be summer by then. We did go into Glacier for a short hike last weekend. I took this photo with my phone and fell in love with it:

The tourists will be here before we know it and it will be impossible to get into the park. So I am enjoying my uncrowded views for now.

So that brings me to this week and today. We have had a lot of fire calls lately. When I say fire calls they are usually medical calls. We had 5-6 calls on Tuesday. One was an actual fire. It was a crazy day. This time of year, we can spread that call volume out to 2 weeks easily. It happened all in one day. I often feel that when I am feeling overly emotional about Joe, he makes sure that he makes his presence known and keeps me busy. I can be participating in a grief zoom online and have tears in my eyes and I will hear his memorial wind chimes just clanging away outside my office window. Today was a hard day again. As Joe’s parents, we did not get a copy of Joe’s death certificate. We tried different avenues to get a copy but to no avail. I finally contacted vital records in Colorado and asked for a copy of his death certificate. I guess because I had his birth certificate, I wanted his death certificate as well. I wanted to see what they put as his cause of death and a few other things I had questions about. I had to go through quite a process of getting that death certificate – proving that I was his mother and why I needed it. I simply said, “closure.” Will I ever have closure? No. However, that seemed to pacify the powers that be at the Colorado Vital Records department. Well, I got my Joe’s death certificate today. That was hard. I sat down and decided to write about it on this blog…and to get caught up on my life. Sure enough. Fire call. I have said it often. When I am on a fire call, I feel closest to my Joe. It was a fire. Got to do stuff I haven’t done before. (not a structure fire for those firefighters out there…think more wildland). Get back to the fire hall, rinse everything off and refill the engines and start the paperwork. Alarm goes off again. ANOTHER fire. Out we go again. So 4 1/2 hours after leaving for the first call, we got home and I am finishing this. Joe was definitely laughing his tail off at us tonight. He had the proper training. I will just leave it at that. But mission accomplished, my Joe, I am going to bed tired and sore and fulfilled with my evening, even if I missed dinner. I learned a LOT tonight and I know Joe was right there with me the whole time. Here is a photo of what we are in the process of doing in our front yard. We planted an aspen tree for Joe in our front yard and bought a plaque with his photo on it and a bench to go beside it. All that was done last fall. This year, we are using flagstone to make a path from the yard to his tree. It is going to look great when it is all leveled out and done.

Well, it is super late and believe it or not, I feel like I can finally go to sleep tonight. I have had a hard time falling asleep lately. My mind just races as soon as I close my eyes. I wanted to mention one last thing before I close. While we were in Las Vegas, my Uncle Dick Hall died. He had been diagnosed with cancer and was on hospice but everything happened so quickly…in a matter of weeks. He is the first to die of that generation in my family and I have very fond memories of him. He was a bit gruff on the outside and a heart of gold on the inside. Please, if you have a moment, lift a prayer for his wife, my Aunt Judy, and their kids and grandkids, who are missing him terribly. I have posted photos of him on this blog before because he was a Vietnam veteran. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for our family. We tried to celebrate it last year and it was just really hard. We decided at that time we would all head to see Tim for Thanksgiving and wherever his team was playing a basketball tournament. We would forego the traditional Thanksgiving from now on but still be together as a family. This past Thanksgiving we went to San Diego and spent the day at their world famous zoo. We had a lot of fun. Here are some of the photos of the animals that cooperated with me and my camera.

Sunsets and beaches….San Diego knows how to do both of those things really well. I have seen a lot of beautiful places but the sunsets in San Diego are AMAZING. So here are some beach scenes from our time in San Diego at the end of November.

We spent a day at Sea World. Rich and Lily went on a couple of roller coasters and I went to some shows and to see the beluga whales….I find them beautiful. Thankfully, Sea World has evolved from when I went as a kid in Florida. Would I rather see these creatures in the wild? You betcha. Many of them aren’t able to be released back into the wild for one reason or another. Anyhow, here are a few photos from the day.

Still playing catch up…but wanted to share the beauty of the fall season in my neck of the woods. It is spectacular. Here’s the proof.