I had CT scans done on my pelvis, abdomen, and chest last Wednesday. These were my regular 3 month checks. I finally wised up and went to the chemo infusion center first to have my port accessed before heading to the radiology department. This makes it so much easier for everyone. When I have my scans, they do two sets…one with contrast and one without. The contrast has to be injected into my veins. Normally they would start an IV for that. I have a port to be able to avoid stuff like that. Crazy enough, it is way better to have a needle jabbed into your chest than someone fishing around in your hand or arm for a vein. A nurse has to access my port, so the radiology tech has to call one of their nurses…and most are not very proficient with ports (very scary) and they don’t have the right equipment to do so. (also scary) So my super oncology nurse, Nora, accessed my port so I could just waltz into the CT room and bypass all the craziness prior. This allowed me to be in and out in under 15 minutes. Yay! While I was in the waiting room, I noticed this blinking light that I hadn’t before. I have put pictures down below. This is why, even though I don’t like my oncologist very much, I stay at this hospital.

I received the readings of my CT scan from Bergan Mercy and everything appears to be stable. Although shrinkage is the best outcome, this is a close second. My scans will be sent to the Mayo Clinic to be re-read there by the Sarcoma team, who know what to look for when it comes to Leiomyosarcoma. I have chemo this Thursday, Dec 17th in the morning (this will be my 10th round of Doxil) and then will meet via teleconference with my sarcoma specialist at Mayo at 2:30. Rich will be able to be with me this time, I hope, and we’ll make a plan for 2021…at least for the beginning of it.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! No matter how much your year didn’t go as planned…and I can honestly say that this probably applies to ALL OF US, we still have a lot to be thankful for. I honestly didn’t know if I would be here to be celebrating another Thanksgiving…and I don’t know about next year. That, in itself, is a small blessing. I mean, it is horrible and jarring and causes me to cry a lot, but honestly, it has really led me to have a bit more self-reflection on what is important to say…to do…to leave behind for others. I try to be more careful with what I say to others rather than just saying what pops into my mind. I make it a goal to check in on a friend every single day….whether by text, phone call or plain old mail. I make it a point of telling people I love them and I am thankful for them and proud of them. I don’t keep it to myself anymore, thinking they will know how much I appreciate them. I am honest…sometimes brutally so. Why did I ever bury what I felt? To be polite? To spare people’s delicate natures? We, as a nation, have gone over the top with sparing everyone’s feelings and I think we are not coping well as a community because of it. Do I want peace on earth? Of course I do, but I am no longer willing to just sit quietly and have my beliefs be trampled over for the sake of others. I have a higher calling to answer to, and that is my ultimate blessing….clarity in seeing that.

This Thanksgiving it is just Lily, Rich, Tallinn and me. The sun is shining and the temps should reach 50 if we are lucky. Really nice weather. I made monkey bread for brunch and the whole chicken is in the crockpot. I gave it a talking to this morning as I was seasoning it….telling the chicken it had to pretend to be a turkey since I couldn’t find one small enough for just the three of us. We’ll think of Joe as we have his favorite mashed potatoes…and of Tim when we have green bean casserole. Joe and Michelle are at her folks’ new home in eastern Missouri, and Tim is in Fort Collins, Colorado, ready to run his gym tomorrow for those who eat too much today. With a low-key Thanksgiving day in mind, we’ll head out to a park to hike for awhile soon. We have been trying to go to park each weekend to mix it up a bit. The pictures below are from this past Sunday at Hitchcock Park near Crescent, Iowa. I would highly recommend it! Nice trails and it is a $3 day pass or $20/annual. This is my icky week…so hoping get out and get some fresh air and exercise to help me feel better. I actually walked in snow on Monday….HUGE flakes that weren’t really expected, I don’t think. It was nice because I love the snow, but I was soaked through by the time I got home and it took Tallinn several hours to dry out too.

Thank you so much to everyone who continues to reach out to me to let me know I am not alone…that I am loved…and that you are thinking of me. It has been quite a lonely year for me, and I have been pretty sad about that. When you are living on a shortened timeline and you have your family and friends taken from you due to a pandemic, it just, well, sucks. People you are used to seeing and talking to often have dropped out of my life….and that was also painful to deal with. If I ever needed a support system in place and people to talk to about anything BUT cancer, it is now. Yet with the way the world shook out this year, many of those people dropped away. However, many whom I would have never thought would step up and be by my side did. People I would consider acquaintances stepped up and became friends…even if just through letters, texts, or phone calls. My heroes and heroines who kept me sane this year when my rollercoaster ride threatened to go off the rails. My boys…wow, have been wonderful. They call me several times a week and just keep me up-to-date on their lives and that is such a wonderful blessing. Special thanks this week to Ruth Ehler for the wonderful letter. Wow, I miss you. Marcia Chiarbos….miss your hugs and your quick wit. Thanks for the letter and prayer card! To my Aunt Judy and Uncle Dick…those Michigan socks are going on a hike with me today! I love them! I am so thankful for all of you! I am really truly blessed to have met so many wonderful people in my lifetime. I am blessed to be healthy even though I have terminal cancer…sounds crazy, but for right now, I am able to function pretty well and that is a blessing to live my time out this way rather than other ways. So off for a walk! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Well another 4 hours done at the hospital this morning. I will be getting scans done before I meet with my medical oncologist in 4 weeks for my next treatment. It will wait until after Thanksgiving, unless they call me and schedule me prior. I will also set up another remote appointment with my sarcoma specialist from the Mayo Clinic after the scans are done. My local oncology dr said my echocardiogram looked good, so that is great news. Doxil starts attacking your heart once your body has decided it has had its fill of it, and then complications happen quite quickly, so I will remind him to keep on top of that. I have had more side effects the last round especially, so he decreased my dosage by a little….about 8% decrease, to see if that would help with the hand-foot syndrome. So today was dose #9 of 12…I should have my last dosage before going on a chemo break the week of my birthday in February. Today marked a year of taking some form of chemo. My body is getting tired of the poison. I am very fortunate…but it is still dragging on me. I don’t think I can just do nothing when I am on a chemo break so I think we’ll be trying hormone therapy, as my tumors tested estrogen and progesterone positive. It is scary though….I could go on this new therapy and it kick my cancer’s patootie…or the cancer could just explode everywhere. There is no way of predicting what will happen and everyone is different. Talk about a leap of fate. Either way, I will be getting scans every three months, so I will hopefully find out quickly if my chemo break is going to need to be cut short. But that is early next year. Today I am just happy to have gone through chemo with grace (which I literally write in my day planner on chemo days – go through my time at the hospital with grace).

A quick follow-up about my contacts. I haven’t been able to see very well and have been forced to wear my glasses almost all the time. I finally called the Pearl Vision I went to twice this past summer. They had drastically changed my left eye. Twice. Changed my right eye once. Well, when I finally picked up my contacts, the worker in the store placed the RIGHT eye sticker on my left eye contacts. No wonder I could see well out of either eye! I switched them around today and life was much better. I have been wearing my contacts all day…..a first for the last several months. I think I will be looking for a different optometrist and shop. Oy! They were having computer issues both times I was in there and I never got a copy of my prescription, otherwise I would have figured this out much sooner. Another happy moment today.

When I came home I was greeted with a card from Lois & Jim Doyle…thank you so much for your awesome cards and letters. I love them! I got gorgeous flowers delivered from Fiona Macklon, my fellow warrior queen. Thank you so much for being in this battle by my side. I adore you! Both of these folks are from the Houston area! And I talked to my brother, Craig Neitzke, last night and my parents, Walt & Karen Neitzke today. All from Houston. Yay Houston folks! You guys stepped up to the plate these last 24 hours!

Last but not least…I finally filled out a photo frame I have had for a couple of months now. It is hanging by my desk in my home office, where I spend most of my time. It has the wedding photos of my paternal grandparents, my parents, Rich and me, Rich’s parents, Rich’s paternal grandparents, and Joe & Michelle. Four generations of wedding pictures. I just adore it. As I told a friend, it just pushes all my happy buttons!

It has been a year since this little guy literally wiggled his way into our lives at the Nebraska Humane Society. He is a purebred Australian Cattle Dog…a red heeler. He has a lot of energy but even more love to give to his people. He had been a stray….picked up by the NHS….then adopted out….and surrendered back to the NHS. They guessed his age at 14 months when we got him a year ago. I have mentioned before that Tallinn saved me as much as I saved him. What a sweet boy he is! I put a couple of photos from our walk this morning down below. He had a blast fetching a stick at a park near our house before he came home to snuggle up with me and watch the Huskers win their first home game of the season.

I got a visit from a friend today. Carisa Dillon brought some flowers for me (so pretty I took a picture of them) and her daughter, Lucy, to see me. Carisa was getting ready to give birth to Lucy when we went into lockdown with COVID-19. Lucy is now an 8 month old cutie pie that I had never had the blessing to see in person. She is adorable! The weather was warm enough that we could chat outside in the fresh air. Thank you, Carisa, for coming over and brightening my week! I also got a couple of bags from MeiLing in San Diego in the mail on Friday. What a great surprise! I love them! I also got a letters from Michelle Krueger (boy, I miss you!) and Mrs. Doyle in Texas and phone calls from Todd, Judi, and Paula. Thanks so much for reaching out! You all are blessings in my life!

Today, 26 years ago at Scott AFB, Illinois, I became a mother to a happy and healthy red-headed baby boy we named Joseph Matthew Messina. Warning…this may get sappy. But hey, I am dying and I don’t know how many more birthdays I will be able to express my love to him….so bear with me. I also do this to embarrass the snot out of him. (although I don’t think he embarrasses easily) I had Joe exactly 6 weeks before Christmas. I knew this because that was how much I got off from the military to stay at home and bond with him. (So if you haven’t started your shopping yet, snap to it!) Joe is my built in reminder that Christmas is just around the corner and I need to get my ducks in a row. Joe didn’t have a lot of hair as an infant. What he did have was red and wispy…with olive green eyes to match. However, as time went on, those eyes turned a beautiful brown. From the get go Joe needed to be entertained. We had two labs when he was born, Hershey and Tahoe. They kept him entertained for the most part but he was not a baby you could sit somewhere and get things done. He had to be in the thick of things. When we were living in Colorado and Joe was in the 2nd grade, he had extensive testing done and we found out he had pretty severe dyslexia. Knowing how much extra time it took him to do assignments in school, I can’t tell you how proud I am of the fact that he graduated high school and college with minimal help from others. Again, he thrives in being able to be out in the thick of things, being active, and not behind a desk writing and reading. Joe has thrived as a infantry soldier in the Army National Guard because of this. Last year at this time he was in an intensive school for firefighting in Hutchinson, KS. Since then he has taken and passed his EMT class, and applied to more than a handful of fire departments. Although he got asked for a second interview to most of them, he was having a hard time being hired because he didn’t have any experience. That is a bitter pill to swallow…as you can’t get experience if someone doesn’t hire you! Well, this past week, there are a couple of departments nearby him that has decided to give him a chance. It has been a long time waiting! He has his foot in the door! I know he just wants to be able to have a steady income to help support his family.

Joe is brave. He has travelled all over the world and been to countries where he didn’t speak the language. He plays rugby and is in the infantry and has deployed to the Middle East. He also loves with his whole heart. He started dating Michelle his freshman year in college….almost 7 years later then are now married and he loves her so very much – it brings tears to my eyes, I am just so happy for them. He loves animals…his two dogs, Moose and Jenna, just love him to pieces right back. Joe is positive. He is almost always smiling and is really, really funny. I love spending time with him…not just because he is my kid, but because I just genuinely love him as a person. He is a leader and a problem-solver. These are gifts that not everyone has, and it is a blessing he has them! Joe is honest in his feelings. If he feels someone is being rude or unfair, he tells them. I am not confrontational enough to do this, but he is, and I admire him for that trait. He manages to look an awful lot like his dad, but is the spitting image of my Grandpa Neitzke. It really is uncanny how much they look alike, being 3 generations apart…right down to the curly red hair.

So today I celebrate the wonderful first 26 years of life of my oldest child. I did mention to him that he was now starting his second quarter of a century….and that I was also in that same quarter of a century. He didn’t appreciate that much! Because of COVID-19 and my health, I didn’t get to see Joe for 8 months this year. It was a long stretch of not being able to hug him. Thank goodness for video calls! I love you so very much….I am so proud of the man you have become….and the husband you will be. Thanks for bringing Michelle into the family to even up the gender count! Lily and I have been outnumbered for years! Here are 26 photos of Joe for your to enjoy!

Each year Rich and I get a class full of Happy Veteran’s Day cards from Mrs. Aimee Schultz’s 1st grade classes in the Millard Public School District. Aimee used to work at our store in her spare time and her husband, Marcus, is our manager. These are always such a treat! Thanks kids!

So I have been on Facebook nearly all morning as I am being lambasted with Veteran’s Day posts….which is wonderful! It is almost as fun as reading Christmas letters from family and friends! So here are a few family photos shared recently that I didn’t have or had lost over the years. Thanks again for your service, past and present!

Before I start with my tribute to my military family and friends….I just want to thank those who have reached out to me this week to see how I was doing. Last week just wasn’t so great but as of this morning, I am feeling a lot better. My mouth had been so sore that it hurt to brush my teeth with a soft toothbrush. That is resolving itself, thank goodness, because it is awful. My hands and feet are still pretty sensitive but they are better. I finally reached out to my oncologist’s office to find out the results of my echocardiogram that was done 2 weeks ago. So far, so good. My heart seems healthy and we’ll continue on with the chemo. I have taken on some new tasks at our store that I can do from home which keeps me busy and feeling useful. The darkness which threatened to invade my days last week are diminished. So a special thank you to Paula Buck, Nan Rippe, Joe & Heather Messina, for checking up on me. I am feeling much better. (just in time for chemo next week!)

There is something special about those who serve in the military. There is a bond that cannot be truly explained. The friend and coworker who comes into work to help you labor with your first child…and then becomes his Godmother ( Amy Johnson ) There are friends who you can call in tears because you can’t figure out how to use your Norwegian washer and dryer ( Debbie Engel ). Or people that help you welcome an adopted daughter into your family with a baby shower when you live in Japan ( Shannon Henderson Thomas, Roxanne Aguilera, and Nicole Kobs ) People who step in as proxies when that adopted Chinese daughter is baptized by a military priest from Nigeria in Okinawa ( Chris A Comeau and Chris Beadle ) People who are willing to walk in the rain in the Norwegian countryside because your dogs and daughter need to get out ( Julie Piper Phipps ) Families you have grown to love so much you follow them from Norway to Nebraska ( Ed Oslica , Wanda Doeden Oslica, Morgan ,Oslica, and Zac Oslica ) Fellow military wives who have graduated to military moms with big shoulders to cry on when our boys are deployed ( Wendy Eastop Masin and Carissa Curtis ) Those who have fought cancer and reach out when it seems your fight has begun….even though we were stationed together decades ago.. ( Bruce McNaughton and Mercedes Sink Holmen ) That person who will chat with you in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep and are getting overwhelmed with life…all the way from Japan…because her day is my night ( Adrienne Howard ) And last but not least, my parents, who know what it can be like living overseas as military members. My mom, Karen Ancel Neitzke , mailed me brown sugar and vanilla (a lot of it) when we had a hard time getting it in Norway so I could do my holiday baking. It seems like a small thing. It was huge. To all my military friends and family out there….retired or active duty…. thanks for shaping the person I am and being a support network for all of us. You all are the best!

Serving our great country through military service is somewhat of family affair for both Rich’s family and for mine. Our fathers, my grandma and grandpa, our uncles, cousins, siblings and their spouses, and son all have served or are currently serving. My father and Rich were both career military so many of my friends growing up and friends in adulthood are military. In fact, if you are not military and a good friend of mine, you are the exception, not the rule. I say this because my life has been immersed in military living….hearing reveille over the speakers in the morning, taps at night, standing for the national anthem before movies at the post theater…moving every couple of years and living overseas were all part and parcel of my life. With my son, Joe, he makes 4 direct generations in my family in the military and I am so very proud of that! So thank a veteran today especially, but show your thanks everyday, because their sacrifice is something you can’t understand unless you have lived it. Happy Veteran’s day to all my many friends and family out there. You are deeply loved and appreciated! Below are some photos of family and friends over the years….spanning from WWII to the Vietnam War to the present.

When I heard today that Alex Trebek had died from his cancer, I was devastated. He was diagnosed just about 6 months before me….and he was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer with a grim outlook. Sounds kind of familiar. He was the face of a serious cancer in the public court of opinion. He was open and honest about how depression sometimes overtook him but how he was dedicated to continue fighting for his life because giving up wouldn’t be fair to God or to his wife. It all just hit so close to home. These are my thoughts…daily. It has been a rough week for me. I usually bounce back after week two and I just didn’t this week. My mouth is sore, my hands and feet are a mess from hand/foot syndrome, and I am just tired. This very well could be because of getting Doxil, Zometa, and a flu shot all at once. plus getting Doxil toxic again. Monday will be two weeks since my echocardiogram and no news at all. I am hoping that means everything is okay. Usually they would at least put this on my online patient portal…but nothing. I am having a difficult time seeing well with my contacts and so am wearing my glasses, which I can see just fine with. I don’t think I have the right prescription for my contacts. I have already been back once and my confidence in the doctor at the optometry shop I go to is waning. I haven’t worn glasses full time since the 1st grade. Just one more blow to my sense of being vain…I just don’t even recognize myself anymore. And now I hear that Alex Trebek has died.

Rich and I were privileged to meet Alex Trebek when we were stationed at Kadena AB, Okinawa, Japan. In March of 2006, the wing held a combat dining out. Everyone comes in BDU’s or another form of utilities and armed with water guns….the bigger the better. It gives everyone a chance to let down their hair a bit and have some fun. Alex Trebek was our guest visitor. He was travelling with the USO….and evidently had done so for several years without a lot of fanfare. He was generous enough to go along with the craziness of the combat dining out and all it’s traditions…including the grog. He also stood for over an hour with all of us to take pictures with each of us. Here is our picture from that night. Rest in peace, Alex Trebek, cancer warrior. I, along with many others, take up your fight in the battle.

I wanted to wish my husband, Rich Messina, a very happy birthday today! We have been together for over 30 years and have been married for 29 of those. Nothing about my life with Rich has ever been boring. We have raised 3 wonderful children together….had 6 dogs…lived in three countries and visited about 45 countries. We are two states short of seeing all 50 and have lived in lots of different regions of the country over the years. Although the military has consumed most of his career time, he has embraced his new passion of being a business owner and is doing exceedingly well. So here’s to the love of my life and the rock in my storm.