14 years ago a tiny little girl from Shangrao, Jiangxi, PRC officially became our daughter. Ling Guang Su was placed into our arms the day prior for the requisite 24 trial time at the hotel for compatibility. She was 20 months old, wearing 9 month clothing and scared to death of us and everything around her. She most quickly found common ground with her big brothers who blew bubbles and placed ball with her. She had her daddy wrapped around her finger pretty quickly as well. Since I was taking the place of her foster mom, I was not as much appreciated. (This is common but didn’t make it any easier.) Lily would cry and scream if I touched her Baba (her daddy). Since we hold hands everywhere we go, this was an issue. After several days of letting me do all of her caregiving activities, the wall began to crumble and we became a family. There were bonding issues for years and there may always will be due to her early life in China. However, today, 14 years ago, Ling Guang Su became officially Lily Su Grace Messina and her life was changes forever. Now we can’t imagine a day without her! I thank God for leading us to her through the help of so many people along the way. We lived in Okinawa at the time we adopted her and having the support of our families even though everything was being done so far away from them meant so much. I often think of her Chinese parents who gave her up for a better life…and whether or not she has a sibling or two in China or elsewhere that she may never know. All I know is that she has been daughter officially for 14 years today and I can’t be more thankful! Happy forever family day Lily!

I did a little something yesterday….something that most of you take for granted. Last summer when Joe proposed to Michelle, I decided to grow out my pixie cut straight blonde hair to an all-one-length bob for the wedding 15 months later. Should have been an easy thing for me to do. However, cancer stepped in and chemo had me bald at the beginning of 2020. By the end of March, I was switching chemo regimens and the new chemo allowed my hair to grow back. It was no longer straight and blonde, but brown and curly. This was jarring for me as I walked by mirrors in my house. I have been wearing some kind of head covering since the turn of the year. Well, yesterday I got a hair cut. I went back to my old pixie haircut, which looks different with dark hair and curls. I have always been told that the difference between a good hair cut and a bad one is about 2 weeks. So I waited until I was in the 2 week zone from the wedding. I also got some advice and some mousse to control things a bit better. During the night, a cool front came through and now the weather is so much better. I still have to be cautious about being in the sun due to the chemo, but it was cloudy and cool this morning for my walk. I even slept a bit later and caught up on some steroid -stealing make-up sleep as well. I went out on my normal 5 mile walk with Tallinn completely hatless. It even confused him. He always knows that if I reach for my green Boston Red Sox hat, we are going for a walk. Anyhow, it is oddly freeing to get to go out of the house without covering my head. It was covered because it was bald for almost 4 months…then growing out and crazy unruly after that. Now I feel almost human again. I have scans planned for this Thursday with a zoom meeting with my local oncologist the next day for results. Hopefully it is still working. I am just getting back to “normal”. Here are some photos of the hair cut!

Not a lot to write as I should be in bed sleeping…but the steroids have my mind up and running tonight. I had my 6th round of Doxil today. I will be getting CT scans of my chest, abdomen and pelvis next Thursday and then will have a zoom meeting for the results with my local oncologist. He will push my scans to the Mayo clinic and then I will also have a zoom meeting with my sarcoma specialist there at some point. I am hoping for overall shrinkage or stability. I could then stay on doxil for longer.

I convinced my doctor to finally do some tests on my tumor removed in Nov of 2019….tests that should have been automatically run in pathology after the surgery. I have been asking for the tests for months and I finally realized I wasn’t speaking his language. You know the infamous 5 love languages? Don’t get excited….I wasn’t speaking a love language to my oncologist. However, he is an older doctor and has the mentality of treating the pathology and not the patient. (at least that is the jist I have gotten from him). In the beginning of our relationship, he would print out pages and pages of medical studies for me to review on different kinds of chemotherapy treatments and their efficacies with LMS. So I printed out 4 studies about the kind of treatment I wanted to have available to me if these tests showed I qualified. He was pretty impressed and told his resident that if I were his resident, he would have been impressed and told me what a good job I did. The resident half rolled his eyes/half glared and me through his protective eyewear and mask at that comment. Good thing he’ll be gone and a new one will be there next time. Here’s to shrinkage or stability so I can know I can continue this protocol! I have gotten spoiled feeling normal 3 of the 4 weeks!

This is something that I have been following mostly on social media between my friends. I wanted to touch on it a bit from my point of view. Take it or leave it. It is my personal opinion. I live in Omaha and they just last week passed a mandatory mask rule in public settings. Nebraska is one of a very small number of states who never had a lock down in effect. Nebraskans pretty much were doing what they should be doing. However, we are in the middle of the country and the virus seemed to hit the coastlines and then move inward. We were one of the last places to really get hit. So as we were starting to open up and let more people into churches, restaurants and stores, we were peaking. This did not help a lot. A few months later and we were considered a hot spot. Now if you look at our numbers, you won’t see high positives or death rates. However, if you compare that to how many people actually live in Nebraska (a mostly rural state), it is troubling. Granted, we have some of those meatpacking places that have driven our overall numbers up. We also have a couple of assisted living homes who have bit hit hard.

I have read on Facebook the argument that we shouldn’t live in fear and we should trust in our faith in God to take care of us. I have a few things to say about that. I am not going to lie…my faith has been battered about a bit over the last nine months with this cancer diagnosis and treatment. However, my Lord has never left my side. Just because I am weak doesn’t mean He is. But I also don’t believe that the Lord gave us brains so we wouldn’t use them in His name. I am not going to dance into a pit of rattlesnakes or run into moving traffic because I have faith God will spare me. That is ridiculous. I am going to use my free will and my brain to make wise choices. So when it comes to physical distancing and wearing a mask, I am going to do it. I am going to be especially vigilant because of my weakened immunity and underlying chronic illness. Let’s face it, my lungs were weakened when they were attacked by the first chemotherapy I was on. Because they have been attacked, especially so recently, I am very likely to get very very ill if I were to contract COVID 19. So I am careful. Not because I don’t have faith, but because God gave me free will and a brain and I am using both. Do I believe that the press is promoting fear-mongering? Yes, I do. The press when I was growing up was great. Walter Cronkite reported the facts and then you decided what to do with that information. There was no reporters interviewing other reporters and their opinions making stories into headlines. This is why I often read American news through the eyes of foreign news sources, like BBC. They tend to be more factual and it is refreshing to not get thrown down a rabbit hole of liberalism or conservatism.

This past week Rich and I were both exposed to someone who was COVID-19 positive. After 9 months of being so incredibly careful…everything was dashed when I was in contact with someone who was COVID-19 positive and not wearing a mask. I was, however. That is not how things work though….it is the person who is COVID positive who need that mask the most. This young person was infected because he played hockey and softball with a guy who was positive. I have to say, I was mad. I was unChristianly mad. I could have gotten very sick even though I had done everything right. I have not been that mad for that long in a very long time….if ever. I have my son’s wedding to go to in 3 1/2 weeks. That has been my first goal to achieve with living with LMS Stage IV…to make it to this wedding. All was going well until this chance crossing with this guy, who is a friend. Rich and I had to go through getting tested early Saturday morning. The kind of tests they use here at the Test Nebraska sites are the nasal swabs…they ones that “practically touch your brains,” as Rich would say. They take a long swab and stick it up one nostril until it touches the back of your throat. Then the tech will spin the swab. They remove the swab and then repeat on the other nostril. It isn’t pleasant, but in the vast scheme of things that I have gone through in the last 10 months, it wasn’t too awful. If you ask Rich, he will have a different answer though. We were tested on a Saturday morning and the lab did not get our samples until the next morning. The clock started at that point…72 hour wait. We received our NEGATIVE results this morning at 0500. But we had to go through all the scenarios for the three days we were waiting for our results to come back…the impact to our family….Lily being able to start school (which she will be live once a week and the first day is tomorrow)…the wedding….our business possibly having to close for awhile…and no chemo treatment for me. It was really awful to always have that in the back of your mind and it really could have been avoided with the simple wearing of a mask. Sigh. So I support the wearing of masks…physical distancing. I am not living in fear. I am living my life as best I can without losing it to a nasty virus that could easily kill me. I know I will have to be careful at the wedding….but this is my child’s wedding day and I won’t miss it or sit in a corner. Actually, I can’t wait! My other two kids are in the wedding so I will be a weepy mess I have a feeling. Good tears though!

I wanted to thank Judi Wilson for a wonderful book…. “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse” by Charlie Mackesy. It is a book about friendship and just being who you are. It is a very short read, but an impactful one. I have considered Judi my best friend since we met in Minnesota in 1997. We had 5 kids between us and we were each others’ sanity check. Nothing has changed 23 years later. We now have 6 kids between us and 5 of them are adults. A whole new challenge. Anyhow, I hope you all are well and you are all staying safe!

I dub the week after chemo the “icky week” because I am tired and nauseated and over emotional. I am going to toot my own horn for a second and let you all know that I did 5 kickboxing workouts this week. I sucked it up and did it and am better for it (I hope!). I did miss walking my five miles one day but it was a torrential downpour and honestly, it was the Holy Spirit giving me a nudge to just take it easy. That was yesterday and that rest got me over the hump. I went to bed before 10 last night and slept pretty hard until 7 this morning….and no cancer dreams. I even woke myself from a dream and smiled thinking it was nice to be dreaming of something ridiculous and that didn’t have to do with cancer.

I have been binge watching “Good Bones” on Hulu this week after I finish my workouts, walks and work. It is a show about a mother and daughter who rebuild houses in Indiana and flip them. They are a hoot. I just enjoy watching the show. The mom, Karen, said something yesterday on one of the shows that has really just stuck with me. She had just had a big disappointment…something had gone wrong and all her hard-laid plans were dashed. So Karen said something along these lines….”You know how you have a big disappointment and you realize you are having an over-the-top reaction to that disappointment? You realize you are making a mountain out of a molehill but it is YOUR reaction and you just can’t help it. You need to just digest the situation and let yourself have your feelings, even if they are over-the-top…and others need to let you.” It was just the perfect message for me to hear. Cancer patients, especially those with a stage IV diagnosis battle their emotions….battle depression on a level you can’t imagine unless you have walked in their shoes. That is okay. That is NORMAL. I have been strong for a lot of people for a long time and it wears on me. I cannot be strong for you right now because I need to be strong for me. Please allow me that. It will get better as time goes on. It already has. Today I met a bunch of wonderful women in a LMS newcomers zoom meeting for newly diagnosed patients. I met some women from around the U.S. and one from the UK (this was a pretty small group). We ranged in age from 30’s to 70’s. Some of the panelists have survived stage IV LMS for over a decade! They were giving advice to use newbies…the ones that are still shell-shocked and crying at the drop of a hat at their impending mortality that has been put under a microscope with this awful disease. I made some friends and we all commiserated our fates and then had some laughs together. We all agreed that we had been a bit apprehensive about this zoom meeting but ended up really having a good time and making friends. We are going to keep in touch. The LMS group on FB has 4000 + members, so we can be a micro group within the larger one, supporting each other. The many small blessings of COVID 19….these Zoom meetings never took place prior to this and it is a great way to meet and get together.

Thankfulness….well, I have a lot here. I am so thankful for getting in touch with some folks this week whom I normally don’t chat with. It is always great to catch up with friends and family! Kelly Rump sent me some beautiful flowers today! Kelly and I worked together at Academy International Elementary School in Colorado Springs about 100 years ago….okay, not 100 but almost 20! What a super special surprise! At the same time the flowers arrived, I got a box of the most wonderful pears from my Cali friend, Mei-Ling. Thank you both so much! It was such an unexpected surprise! Thanks to those who checked up on me during the week knowing it was the “icky week”. I am still getting tired more easily but I am starting to round the bend and feel better. I am going to go to the grocery store later tonight when it is mostly empty and stock up for the next week to 10 days on stuff to try some new recipes with. We have been eating frozen leftovers this week as I didn’t have the energy or stomach to do much cooking. Now I need to replenish the supply for the next icky week!

Well, this was NOT where we were last year. This was definitely closer but the photos online where very misleading. The place we went last year and loved was Pam Nelson’s farm in Valley, Nebraska. It was at the beginning to middle of September though….so I am not sure where they are at right now. Lily and I did get a bit of a hike in to get to the sunflowers. There were not many left and they were covered in bees. I think that is cool but Lily is not a big bug or bee lover. We were out and back within the hour. Something else to look forward to in the coming weeks…the real sunflower farms blooming!

I want to continue to thank those of you whom have stuck with me through the mire of they last 9 months or so. A lot of people that I thought would be at my side left me alone….and those that I would have never guessed would reach out and make a difference have. It is weird how that works. I came home this weekend to a vase on my front porch with a bunch of yellow and white flowers from a friend I knew from our time in Norway. Adrienne Howard now lives in Japan with her Navy husband. What a wonderful surprise! Thank you so very much for brightening my day. I tend to be a bit overemotional around my chemo treatment time. I don’t know if it is the chemo, the reminder of being sick, or most likely the big dosages of steroids the day of the chemo and the three days afterwards. So for all of you who are sending me messages, texts, letters, etc…..I really thank you so very much. I am blessed to have so many people God has put in my path over the years, all over the world. I am able to converse in some way or fashion with people from other continents daily. I have had chocolates…chicken noodle soup…flowers…chemo care packages… a meal train…all sorts of thoughtful gifts over the last 9 months. I am so happy that I am feeling better now…..even though I am stage IV, I am currently able to exercise and stay healthy for now. The chemo I had on Thursday is starting to make me feel nauseous and it will most likely be that way for the next 5 days or so. God blessed us with a cold front that came through and we are going to have some cooler, drier weather over the next few days. It was 55 degrees when I left on my walk this morning and it felt wonderful. I am going to try to get a kickboxing workout in later today and Lily and I are going to head to a local sunflower farm we discovered here last fall. I have always loved sunflowers. I went through a pretty rough few days mentally and mostly spiritually at the end of last week….I know most of you feel that I am such a strong person of faith, but even that can waiver. I have to not let the darkness seep in and let me get disconsolate. I feel very guilty when I have thoughts like, “Why me?”, ” This isn’t fair!”, and “Why is God punishing me?” Just typing these comments out have tears spilling again…because they are my dark mantra that I have to try to avoid or it will just suck me down a vast chasm of which I have a hard time climbing out of. Not getting to have personal contact with people has really had a huge impact on me. I have to be careful, but I am thinking that I would like to have some driveway social distancing chats in yard chairs soon. My oncologist wants me to be a total hermit but I don’t think he realizes that it is crushing my spirit. He gets to go to work everyday and talk with people. I have been at home sequestered for over 8 months. I don’t want to talk about cancer…I want to catch up with other people and hear about their lives and talk about weddings and new puppies…local news and ideas on how schools will work this year. My dr. says being outside is good…so I am off to grab a quick bite before heading to the sunflower fields on this beautiful day with my Lily. Hope to have some photos for you later!

I am a lover of all tings martial arts. I have two black belts – one in Chinese Kempo – one in Okinawan Shorinryu – and I got up pretty high in traditional TaeKwonDo when I lived in Europe as well. The Asian trifecta of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean martial arts. I am also quite well-versed in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu as well. I got involved in kickboxing a few years ago and managed to belong to an awesome place called Impact Kickboxing here in Omaha and workout there for 5 days a week for almost 2 years before I got my cancer diagnosis. The people there were so incredibly supportive of me and my family. I am in daily contact with them still to this day. My 0530 crew always adds a hashtag of #wefight4Cyndi at the end of their posts. This is such a diverse group of people and yet we are bonded by blood, sweat, tears, and for some vomit….with these workouts. They all got t-shirts that said “We fight for Cyndi” on them. I am so blessed to have met these folks! I am finally feeling good enough to get back to working out again in addition to my 5 mile walks with Tallinn. Rich helped me set up a home kickboxing gym in our garage and I have designed 20 workouts with cardio and weightlifting to go along with the bag work. I have worked out each week day for the last two weeks and it has done wonders for my physical and definitely my mental health. It just feels so good to get some of my frustration out on the heavy bag each day. Here are a couple of photos….Tallinn isn’t fond of the heavy bag as he feels that if I am attacking it, it must just be a bad thing in general. Here are a few photos from my kickboxing adventures….

Yesterday we went to Indian Cave State Park, which is about a 90 minute drive south of where we live in Omaha. We had never been there before and it was pretty overgrown and the cave itself was closed due to dangerous conditions. We walked over 6 miles and climbed over 36 floors according to my watch. We were all pretty pooped by the end of the day!

Most of you know that Rich owns the Play It Again Sports store here in Omaha. We have been open for almost 6 years now and have had some of the greatest staff members over those 6 years. We were in need of some new t-shirts for everyone. I worked in the store until I was diagnosed with Stage IV Leiomyosarcoma in Nov 2019 and had surgery and started chemo. Now with COVID-19 going on….I am permanently working from home doing all the paperwork from here and odd jobs that need to be done. The staff decided on their own that they wanted to have their new shirts have a purple ribbon for my cancer fight placed on their sleeves. It really meant a lot to me. Brought to tears to my eyes….these wonderful people we have working at our store!