Well, the 2nd Pfizer vaccine got me. I figured it might as I am on chemo and my WBC count is on the lower side of normal. About 12 hours after my vaccine, I started running a fever and had body aches and just felt icky. I slept most of yesterday and still managed to go to bed before 9 p.m. and sleep through the night. I am happy to say that today I am feeling back to my old self. So if any of you are having a reaction to your second shot…it only lasts about 24 hours. Now on to scans and doctors appointments next week!

I have really been disappointed in the way Nebraska has dealt with vaccinating people with pre-existing conditions such as cancer. We were told to go to a special website and get registered and we would be called soon for appointments. Then this group was dropped from the vaccination list altogether for a couple of weeks. Now they plan on vaccinating them dead last before the general population….and only in the order of the medical staff’s (and which medical staff is unclear) determination of severity. Luckily, as I mentioned before, I got in for a Pfizer vaccine 3 weeks ago. I received my second vaccine about 2 hours ago. I am blessed. I am also happy that it was announced that 5000 teachers in our county will get vaccinated with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine this Saturday. My parents live the suburbs of Houston and they have found it very difficult to get vaccinated…and their age group has come and gone. Today, they both got their first vaccine shot of Moderna. Praise God! I know that masks and physical distancing still has to take place, but wow, would I love to be able to go back to church! Tonight, as I am looking at a spectacular pink sunset after a sunny day of 65 degrees….I am feeling blessed.

Yesterday, March 1st, was Nebraska State Day….her birthday…154 years old. We lost one of our own yesterday whom had gained national recognition over the last 8 years or so. Most of you non-Nebraskans have no idea where I am going with this. However, those of you who are, are nodding, knowing the great loss we incurred yesterday. In 2011, a 5 year old Nebraska boy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. His name was Jack Hoffman. Given a bleak outlook, his parents, Andy and Bri never gave up trying to fight for a future for their young son. They eventually went to Boston for surgery. Before they left, Andy reached out to Rex Burkhead, who was playing on the Huskers football team at the time. Rex ended up meeting up with them right before they left for Boston and befriended the family, using little Jack as a rallying point on the field and on the sidelines. A year and a half later, Jack was invited to participate in the Red and White Spring game….the Husker scrimmage that has typically 90,000 plus people in attendance. Rex Burkhead had moved on to the NFL at that point (and now plays for the New England Patriots), but Jack donned the #22 jersey which Rex made famous and stepped onto the field. Taylor Martinez, the quarterback at the time, handed the ball to young Jack and the team blocked for him as he ran 69 yards for a touchdown. Both benches were cleared as all the athletes came out onto the field to lift Jack onto their shoulders and carry him around the field. It was an epic moment in Nebraska sports history and that clip brought a lot of recognition to the foundation that Jack’s dad, Andy, co-founded called Team Jack. They were looking to raise money for pediatric brain cancer. Jack and Andy were awarded an ESPY ( like a golden globe for sports folks) and they were invited to the White House to meet then President, Barak Obama. Andy was able to help raise over 8 million dollars in the last decade for Team Jack. Jack, who is now 15, plays football in a small Nebraska town, and is a linebacker, like his dad, Andy was. Jack is in a clinical trial that has kept his brain cancer in remission and he is leading a normal life. His dad, Andy, however, was diagnosed with brain cancer (not the same kind as Jack…but a more rare and aggressive kind) about 7 months ago. Nebraska rallied around him, selling Twice the Fight shirts to raise money for Team Jack. He was being seen at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, but was positive for COVID-19 in February and stopped his chemo to come home and recover from his illness. Although he recovered from COVID, the brain cancer was too aggressive for him to battle. He died at home yesterday, on Nebraska State Day. He was 42. There small national news articles about Andy that are going around today. For those of us in Nebraska whom have watched this man give everything he has for the children of the world suffering from brain cancer, the word was out within hours of his death. My heartfelt prayers go out to his family, and all who knew him….and that is a lot of people. One more person I hope to meet in Heaven….

Today my dad is 74 years young! He served in the U.S. Army for nearly 30 years as a combat engineer, master jumper, airborne ranger. I remember when we were stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, going to the big open fields and sitting on the bleachers watching my dad and all the other dads of friends jumping from airplanes. I remember how we had to move every two to three years to follow him around the country, before cell phones and social media allowed you to stay in touch with your friends. I also remember how whenever we got to a new place, he always searched for a new church for us to go to. I was raised Lutheran Church Missouri-Synod and it was important to my dad to “keep our heritage” and find a church that was LCMS to attend. Sometimes that mean driving 25 minutes to a tiny church in DeRidder, LA that was more of a double wide trailer than a church. Vacations were spent driving home to Michigan to see our extended families. Driving from North Carolina….I still remember those long days in the car.

My parents now live in a suburb of Houston, Texas. My dad has changed drastically from the Army Colonel I grew up with. A series of small strokes over a decade ago and perhaps some dementia as well has creeped in and taken away his short term memory, some of his long term memories, his sight is now impaired, he searches for words quite often and he is unable to read, drive, bowl, or participate actively in a lot of what life offers. He spends his days watching the news on TV and talking short walks around the block. He can be found on the sidelines of his grandson’s soccer field when he has games and will often go on errands with my brother, Craig. He is so quiet…he has been robbed of the ability to follow a lot of conversations, although if you get him talking about something that interests him….or a memory of when we was younger, he will talk and talk…although pausing often to look for the word that eludes him. He has outlived his dad and grandfather by nearly 20 years now, so we don’t really know if what he has is something they would have had. My mom has to have a lot of patience getting him through his days now. Reminding him to eat…where things are and what they look like when he can’t find them. When they travel, it is really hard, as he is out of his environment and pretty much lost the whole time. I am hoping that I will be able to see them both again soon. COVID has really done a number on those who would like to see loved ones but have to travel long distances to do so.

This is a picture of my dad today, in Texas, opening his birthday gifts. I hope he understands what a treasure he is to our family.

Saw this on Facebook and wanted to share as it really resonated with me…enough to make it to my book of quotes today. It is by Angel Chernoff (no…I don’t know who that is but liked the sentiment):

“Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. At the the end of this day, before you close your eyes, smile and be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have. Life is good.”

This morning I was up early. Tallinn was restless and I finally just got up. I opened my back porch door to let him outside and the sky was amazing. I grabbed a coat and my camera and took some photos. I am not a city person. I dislike living in Omaha so close to neighbors. However, this morning’s sunrise made up for it!

Not feeling so great today…should be turning the corner by now…so hopefully tomorrow. Wanted to share some photos with you all though. A few frozen bubble pictures…some light painting (my four kids each got a flashlight and got assigned a letter on Valentine’s Day to do for the picture)….and just some other random family fun shots.

My mind is going in a lot of different directions today. Yesterday, I was thinking of Rush Limbaugh, as I heard a guest speaker in his spot on his radio show which is played on the main AM radio station in our Omaha area. I wondered immediately to his health…and thought to myself that I would take his death kind of hard – not because I am an avid listener or anything like that, but to a fellow patriot who I respected and who was struggling with cancer. When I heard of his passing today, I was really sad. However, I really related to him on a lot of levels, especially in the last year, as we both battled cancer. Rush spoke quite extensively about his terminal diagnosis. He talked about how blessed he was to be told he was loved by so many. He said if he hadn’t gotten sick, maybe he would have never heard those messages of love for him. I totally feel the same way. He realized that his wife and family were his pillars of support on this earth and was overwhelmed with love for them. I, too, understand this. Before I heard of his death, I was messaging with another LMS warrior friend….someone who lives in another state, but I was hoping to be able to meet in the next couple of months. Her cancer has advanced and she was put on hospice today. She has children still at home. Her husband could not handle her illness and baled on her and the kids a few months ago. Having a support system is so key and I am so very blessed to have people supporting me in so many ways, and Rush more eloquently stated that fact a few months ago on air. So today, as we start our 40 days of Lent….I pray for Rush and his family….my friend and her children….and for you all. I will leave you with this thought that I saw yesterday that I put in my book of quotes…though I have no idea who to give the credit to: “Live in such a way that those who know you but don’t know God will come to know God because they know you.”

This morning Rich rolled over and asked me what it felt like to be a half a century old now (granted he has known for a few years now!) and the first thing I could say was, “Lucky.” But I really meant blessed. I was so sick on my birthday last year, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to my 50th birthday. Yet, I was surrounded by family yesterday as I rang in my 50th lap around the sun! This time I had hair…I could breathe, and there weren’t tears about cancer and what could happen. I just had a good time.

Tim flew in on Saturday afternoon and it was fun to watch the UFC fights by his side for the first time in quite awhile. It is so much more fun watching fights with him as he is a UFC walking encyclopedia . We have watched the fights together for over a decade so I have missed it so much with him away! Joe, Michelle, and their dogs, Moose & Jenna, drove up on Sunday afternoon. I got to spoil my family with Valentine’s Day gifts and spend the day playing board games and working on some of my photography class assignments. It was great having some people willing to let me practice with them! I will post some photos later of those. I literally unplugged while everyone was here so had to spend a lot of today catching up on work, thanking friends, etc. I had not been getting much sleep at night because of the steroids I was on. I could fall asleep, but if anything woke me up, I was unable to go back to sleep. I was already in my icky phase of my chemo round and the lack of sleep wasn’t helping. However, we all crashed Sunday night and slept hard…all 6 of us…and even the dogs didn’t make a peep. Of course if I had to go outside and it was -26 degrees F, I wouldn’t be too anxious to do that either! With a solid 8 hours of sleep under my belt, I started my 50th birthday well rested. It was wonderful. We had another day full of board games and more photo challenges. This one was to make frozen bubbles. Joe was awesome as he stood out in the -30 windchill with me trying to blow bubbles. The night before he was helping me try to capture light painting with flashlights. These are all things that I am still working on and are hard enough to capture with a cell phone versus an DSLR camera in manual mode, as was the assignment. We ordered dinner from Texas Roadhouse and after that and cake was eaten, it was time for everyone to head home. I am so very blessed to have such a fabulous family who was willing to travel to Nebraska during two record-breaking cold days to spend the day in the house with me. I had a great time playing games (although Rich keeps pointing out that I was the only person who didn’t win a game this weekend – I blame it on chemo brain).

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful wishes. I was overcome by all the birthday wishes….which started the night before my birthday from my friends in Kuala Lumpur and then the Philippines and Japan. I have beautiful flowers from Kathy Martz, Kathy Truddell, Jane West, Adrienne Howard, Fiona Macklon, and some from Rich as well! I remember when we lived in East Grand Forks, Minnesota (that is WAAAAAY up north for those of you who don’t know) and I was turning 30. Rich had a bunch of flowers and the boys were really little. He was standing outside in the cold…kinda like it is here now…and came into my chorus rehearsal to surprise me. I was a Sweet Adeline at the time…singing women’s barbershop music. He came into the warm building and all the flowers promptly wilted and died because they had flash frozen in the extreme cold. These Nebraska florists had it going on! They had everything double wrapped at a minimum and my house looks amazing with all the cheery colors! Thank you so much! Michelle Krueger made me sunflower cupcakes that weren’t only delicious, but totally adorable as well! Definitely a hit! Other stalwart friends braved the cold and dropped off gifts….Erika Campbell and Susan Ferguson! Can I tell you how hard it is to not just grab you and give you each a big, fierce hug? You all better start getting ready for it…because it’s gonna happen one of these days and I might just squeeze you pretty hard. I miss it so much. Susan brought some board games over with a little plastic trophy for the winner to have when they won the game. Oh, why hadn’t I thought of that? My kids are in their 20’s and were fighting over the trophy. Ridiculous! I had packages from friends and family to open….I can’t thank you all enough for thinking of me! I truly was overwhelmed…and the cards! My sons were amazed at the stack of cards! To say that I felt loved was really an understatement. Thank you everyone.

I was able to talk to very briefly with my parents on my birthday. They live in Houston and were without power and cell service for over 24 hours. It got down to 52 degrees in their house! My brother lives 10 minutes away from them and he didn’t have power or water but had cell service, as he had a different carrier. I finally got to catch up with them this morning after their electricity was restored and they were thawing out in their own home. I had been worried about them all Monday as I had no way of contacting them. Sounds like all is well with them now, but Craig, my brother, managed to have a pipe burst in his house, so he will still be roughing it without water for a few more days. What a crazy weather system hitting our country! They implemented rolling blackouts here to help conserve energy for the other 14 states that are in our power grid. When the windchill is -40 and they decide to cut your power off for an hour at a time, it made me a bit nervous. Lily didn’t have school due to the cold today but we had power restored and spent our day bundled up with the heat turned down as the power company asked of us. We’ll all be complaining of it being too hot before we know it.

So what’s the next goal? Sheesh….we actually planned to go on an Alaskan cruise in July. Booked it and everything. However, there is now a snafu with Canada not allowing cruise ships in their ports until February of 2022. Since we were sailing out of Vancouver, that is an issue. They have 6 months to figure it out…but in case that doesn’t happen, I am thinking my next goal will just be our 30th anniversary. It’s a big year for me! I turned 50 and I have my 30th wedding anniversary in August. By then I will have been on at least one more different treatment regimens, if not two, so I am curious to see how things will be going in 6 months with my health. Until then, I will just keep plugging along and hope the weather warms enough to resume some walks with Tallinn again. We are both missing it!

Nope…it isn’t x-rated. Not my style. This is a post of gratitude. I already mentioned in my earlier post that things really turned around at the cancer center today and I felt the compassion. I always feel it from my infusion nurses, whom I love. They are a HUGE reason why I have stayed under less than ideal circumstances with my oncologist. Every time I have chemo, I shoot a photo of myself getting my chemo and with the ASL sign of “I love you”. I mean that to those that see it. Each time I post these photos on Facebook, I get a flood of responses. It is 12 hours past the time I posted that picture on Facebook and I have nearly 150 reactions and dozens of loving posts cheering me on. It overwhelms me every time. Thank you. You love and support and prayers and good wishes mean the world to me.

I also mentioned in former posts that my goal #2 was to make it to my 50th birthday. That is Monday….and it will be a bitterly cold day in Nebraska that day…most likely breaking records on Valentines Day and President’s Day, both. I keep joking that Hell will freeze over when I turn 50 and it appears it is going to try its best. Ha! My bigger kids are all coming home to spend Valentines Day and my birthday with me. They all came last year to celebrate. I was totally bald at that point and very very sick from the chemo combination I was on. It was literally killing me. I couldn’t carry on a long conversation with my family or blow out the 3 candles on my cake. I was super winded walking into the restaurant for my birthday dinner, even though I had been dropped off at the door and was holding on to Tim’s arm for support. It was awful…but it was the turning point in my care and I am now so much better. My cancer may not be a lot better but my quality of life sure is. Hard to believe that was the last time I went out to a restaurant to eat until the weekend of Joe and Michelle’s wedding in mid October. Haven’t been in a restaurant since. Pesky pandemic.

I have started getting cards in the mail…and I have to be honest. I am not opening most of them. I am saving them for my birthday. I surely won’t be going for a walk outside that day, so I will need something to do! Thank you so much for the packages and cards. I am already overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. Truly, saying thank you just doesn’t seem enough….but it is all I have right now, so I thank you. I normally don’t like to be spoiled or the center of attention, but I am going to allow it on Monday, as it is Goal #2. A special thank you for the flowers from the Banchors I got last week…they are gorgeous and just keep going! I also got a beautiful bouquet from Fiona today….I LOVED what the card said : “This arrangement is called ‘Floral Crush’ – appropriate because you have just CRUSHED 12 cycles of chemo!! You are totally awesome!” I received this about 30 minutes after I got home after spending the morning at the cancer center. It was totally heartfelt from one cancer patient to another….it meant the world to me! Thank you! Actually Todd Banchor is also a cancer survivor….both he and Fiona know the blow-by-blow of the chemo treatments, the side effects, the roller coaster ride of physical, mental, and spiritual ups and downs. They have been by my side in a special way because they know intimately what I am going through as they have done it as well. They ask me the tough questions I don’t always want to answer but feel better later for talking out. I am going to put Hollie Hogie, Maria in London, Liz, and Kathy Trudell in this group as well. Yep…some of my cancer support group folks I have never met because they don’t near me. Some live in other countries….yet we are there for one another.

Today I got a very special blessing. I told you about my experience with the VA. When I was told I didn’t qualify to my face at an empty vaccination clinic, discharge papers in hand, and 20 workers smiling at me ready to poke my arm, I was crushed. I mean for a couple of days. That day was bad though. I was furious. Then I was heartbroken. I literally sobbed the whole way home in the car as Rich drove us. Well, he left me alone once at home to cry it out. I didn’t realize how much it hurt him as well. They say ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’….women like to be able to talk things out and be heard. Men like to get things done. Over the past few weeks, Rich has been stopping by every pharmacy he drove by…..making phone calls to higher ups, putting me on a waiting list after waiting list across the county. (fun fact – not only is every state different in how they disperse the vaccine, but so it every county within Nebraska. Makes life fun.) Anyhow, Rich was talking to one of our baseball customers today who has a wife we both used to go to boot camp with. She is one of THOSE people…in crazy great shape…lifts more than the boys…runs to class for an extra workout and has 4 kids. Yep, the person you love to hate. She also happens to be a pharmacist. Rich asked her husband if she would be getting vaccines at her pharmacy location. He told Rich she now worked for his best friend in a suburb of Omaha and he would reach out to him to see if he had any available. This customer’s best friend, when hearing about me, called Rich and we were in his place 40 minutes later, filling out paperwork for me to get vaccinated. So, ladies and gentlemen, I received my 1st vaccine for COVID 19 earlier this evening. I received the Pfizer vaccine. So in three weeks, I get to go back and get another vaccine. By mid March, I will not only be on another cancer treatment regimen, but I will be vaccinated and have the 2 weeks for it to take effect. Praise God, maybe I can carefully go back to Church in a mask, a lesser attended Mass time, and keeping my distance. That would mean the world to me. Rich received a call as we were about 10 minutes out from the location I was vaccinated at and it was a pharmacist friend of his from an Omaha metro business group he attends. These men meet every week via zoom and/or in person. They all know what I am going through and they often call or email Rich to see how I am doing…especially if he has missing a few meetings, as he is quite a regular attendee. His pharmacist friend called and said he was willing to come to my house to vaccinate me tomorrow night. We were able to thank him profusely and tell him we wouldn’t need him to do that. I have to admit I was thinking of a cancer friend…the only one I know who hasn’t gotten his vaccine yet. I felt guilt about him. I also felt guilt about all the teachers who are waiting for their vaccine. One of the workers came up to us as we were leaving and said that her boss had told them (the staff) about me and my situation and they were adamant they get me in ASAP. I turned to her and told her that I had been pretty much in my house since Nov 2019. No family in the area, no one when the pandemic hit a year ago. I told her it was just me and my dog. I was in tears…and so was she as I told her how I was having such a hard time knowing my time was significantly shortened by cancer and having to spend it alone. I hate getting emotional in front of others. If she would have hugged me, I would have started bawling I think…but alas, this hugger is suffering during the pandemic. (actually, my good friends, Todd and Deb, have come in masks with a clean blanket and wrapped it around me and hugged me briefly. It is the most wonderful thing!)

This morning I literally cried out to God on the drive to the hospital for treatment. I was running a little later than I wanted. I went to leave and thought I should put the laundry hamper in the hall where I would see it immediately when I got home so I would remember to do the laundry straight away. Then I noticed Tallinn didn’t have enough water in his bowl….and so it goes. This is my life…always seeing things to do. At any rate, I have the inane ability to hit every red light. It is a family joke (that Rich doesn’t think is so funny). I don’t even have to be driving….just in the car. So, true to form, I was hitting every red light on Center St. After the fourth one, I literally shouted out loud in my car, “God! Why are you doing this to me? Why does everything have to come so hard for me right now? Why can’t I just get a break?!” Lo and behold, the next two lights were green. I thanked God out loud. Things went swimmingly at the cancer center….I left 90 minutes earlier than I ever have. It was the warmest day of the week….I took the dog for a short walk. And the miracle of the vaccine happened. God was listening and I lift up this day to Him.