I got an extra week off from chemo to allow my rash to heal (which it is) and my blisters on my hands and feet to heal (only one new one this week! Whoop whoo!). I go into the Cancer Center tomorrow morning bright and early to have labs drawn, see the doctor again and then go to chemo. I have been walking earlier in the morning (around 0700 or 0730 usually) and I still come back soaking wet from the humidity, which is neverending right now. Tallinn is not a fan either, I can tell, but never turns down a chance at a walk. There are way too many bunnies to lunge at (my right arm is now 2″ longer than my left thanks to that) and turkeys and their babies (I call them goblets) to stalk to turn down walks in the neighborhood. My son, Joe, passed his EMT national registry exam, praise God! He has applied to a couple of fire departments and is now playing the waiting game. Tim has started his third grad class and just found out he was named 9Round trainer of the year (2019) for Lincoln! Lily passed her Personal Finance class with flying colors for summer school and now we are moving on to studying for her driver’s permit, now that the DMV is open for business again. Rich, Lily, and I just celebrated 10 years since we moved to Nebraska…five in Bellevue and now five in Omaha. I am studying Spanish everyday on Duolingo (you compete against other people around the world….dangerous for me because I am pretty competitive), and have been trying lots of new recipes out on Rich and Lily. I got a chance to see two friends from my kickboxing gym last weekend at a drive by baby shower that was for one of them. It was so wonderful to see what I now call “outsiders”! My good friend Wanda Oslica brought Lily and me Chic-fil-A for lunch and a natter. It was so wonderful catching up and giving this woman a hug! We were stationed in Norway with them and then followed them here to Nebraska. Their son, Zac, is best friends and best man for my Joe – who is officially getting married Sept 12th because I got the invitation today! Yay! Made my week!

So the fuzzy head statement….I have three people that I am in contact with at least once a week. All three of them are currently going through cancer treatment. This morning on my walk, I was called by my friend, Todd Banchor. He is like a big brother to me and I met him at our Bible Study Group called Nazareth from St. Gerald. He actually is in remission, but is still getting some outpatient maintenance treatment. I am so happy for him that he is beating cancer! I prayed so much for him last year during his time of uncertainty. He calls me every week to make sure that my head is in a good place. He and his wife dropped off some beautiful flowers last week and they still grace my dining room table. Then there is my soul mate, Fiona Macklon down in Houston. We lived in Norway together. She is originally from Scotland and I could listen to her talk all day long…that accent! She is also stage IV….and it is a club you don’t want to belong to, but the members are tight. She and I text each other several times a week and she sent me some wonderful honey bandages that I am going to use on my skin when it decides to go all wonky on me again in about 10 days. Then there is Kathy Trudell. She is also in my Nazareth group. Yep…12 of us and three of us are in chemo treatment…actually there may be four….anyhow, it is a fabulous group of Christians who I just love to pieces. They are family. Kathy has breast cancer and has been going through everything about the same time I have. We got our ports surgically placed about a week apart and then started chemo about the same time. We were texting this morning and taking pictures of our heads and comparing our fuzzy peach fuzz heads. I just found it so funny…we are having head fuzz envy back and forth. These are moments of joy in the journey that make me smile.

So good and bad for today. I went in to get my 4th round of Doxil today. I was mentally prepared for it. For those of you who have never had chemo before, you have to mentally prepare for it. Put on the brave face, suck up the knowledge that you will be poked and prodded and you’ll be looking at other cancer patients who are much worse off than you….and you will wonder when it will be the point you will look like that. You have to mentally prepare to feel sick for a week. I got there and had my labs drawn from my port and tubing inserted into my port to be ready for chemo. I saw the resident and then saw my medical oncologist. I had a list of 7 questions for him. I have to say that I was not looking forward to talking with him this morning because I tend not to be a confrontational person (unless I am going Mama Bear on someone, then watch out). I heard his voice outside my patient room and I could feel my blood pressure spike. I literally closed my eyes and said a quick prayer asking the Holy Spirit to guide my words and keep me calm. Answered prayers. I did pretty good. Rich was able to come in with me since we were discussing scan results. (you know, the scans I had 3 weeks ago but was never called by my doctor? Yes, hence the hope for calmness and proper word choice as I was still pretty upset about that.)

Remember the blisters on my feet (and now some are in between my fingers as well) and the rashes that were so troublesome about a week or so ago? That is called hand/foot syndrome and is a side effect of Doxil toxicity. Everything is on the mend now…the rash is scabbing over and peeling and less sore and I don’t have any openly weeping blisters on my feet right now. So all in all, I was feeling pretty good about it. He asked to see the rash. He saw a small portion on one side and immediately called off the chemo for this week. Evidently I am not such a baby after all. I have grade 3 toxicity. Grade 4 is when you are hospitalized. So the doctor is giving me another week to heal further and then will be decreasing my chemo dosage by 25% to hopefully help with the side effects of the chemo.

We discussed the results of my CT scans in further detail as he gets two pages of results to my 3 bullet phrases published in my online patient chart. Rich knows how uncomfortable I am with confrontation and immediately asked the doctor for me why he did not call and why I had to wait three weeks for results. After hashing things out for a few minutes, we decided that from now on, when I schedule a CT scan, I will either request a Zoom meeting with him two days later or I will schedule it two days prior to an existing appointment. The hospital is so big with so many departments that they don’t really know how to work together sometimes. I was told when I left a month ago from seeing him to call and set up my CT scans. So I did that day. They scheduled me for a week later. The nurse and doctor didn’t realize I don’t have a lot of choice as to when I set up my scans. I get what they give me. At any rate, we have a plan moving forward. He was very reassured with my results. Where I got “stable” in my bullet points, he was able to print out the results for me and show me that my lung mets have both shrunk in the last 3 months and one of the arms growing out of my inoperable pelvic tumor that then attached itself to my pelvic wall was now gone. That is big and I am thankful for this chemo working for me. Now for a week of more healing and onto more fighting next week.

I did ask my doctor to do a ER/PR test on the slides of my tumor. This will tell them if it is reactive to estrogen or progesterone (because they feel it originated in my uterus – even though I had a hysterectomy 5 years ago and the pathology reports at that time were negative. This will help with other treatments if I need them along the way. I had mentioned the testing to my surgeon and to my doctor at the Mayo Clinic and no one had ordered the test done…which is easy to do. If it doesn’t isn’t receptor positive to either estrogen or progesterone, then we know. But if it is positive, that gives us another tool in the tool kit for fighting this disease.

Rich and I left feeling pretty good about the appointment. I was glad he was able to be there and discuss everything in more detail. We have both decided that my doctor is not proactive but more reactive. This may have to do with how long he has been a doctor, I don’t know. Rich and I have vowed to be more vocal about what is going on with my health so it isn’t brushed under the rug until it is so bad that we are treating issues caused by meds he is overdosing me with. (which has now happened 3 times). I am evidently pretty sensitive to medications. Hopefully that means we can beat back this cancer and I can be around a bit longer!

Thanks….thank you to Deb and Todd Banchor for the bouquet of flowers yesterday. The are so pretty and so fragrant! Thanks also to those who constantly check up on me via text or cards…thank you for letting me know that I am in your thoughts and prayers. These days stuck at home (going on 8 months for me) are pretty lonely and they can just get the better of you somedays. Tim has finished his first two grad classes (one of them was research methods and statistics and I am positive he is happy to have that one in his rearview mirror!) I had the privilege of reading his final paper in that class (because it was on a topic I was interested in) and was so impressed by his writing! Good job Tim! Joe has finally finished his testing to get into the fire department. Just waiting on the results of his EMT national registry exam (which was a bear of an exam evidently) Michelle is back at work live this week (and exhausted from it) but happy to be in a somewhat “normal” existence. Lily finished her summer school term and did well in Personal Finance. One less class to take this fall! So happy news all around!

I don’t want this to be about me, but I want to give you a quick update. I am feeling better. I am still having a lot of pain with the rash. Thank you to Mercedes Holmen for the great advice on the blisters. I now have 2nd skin squares I put on the blisters when I walk and it is so much better. She has 3 very talented daughters who are soccer players and have broken in dozens of pairs of soccer cleats. Thank you! I was able to go for my 5 mile walk yesterday and did about half of that today because it was so warm and humid when I went out. The sun went behind some clouds for awhile later this morning and I mowed the front yard. With the vacuuming I need to do today, I will get pretty close to my goal anyhow. Rich has had to do all the mowing so far this summer and with him working full time, it is alot. I wasn’t able to do the back yard as it is a big hill, but I at least was able to get the front yard done. Chalk it up to a Father’s Day gift!

Speaking of Rich, he is such a great dad. The man can fix just about anything and has been on speed dial for our boys as they have moved out on their own and often need advice about things. He kinda pushes all of Lily’s buttons right now, but that kind of defines their relationship. They have been doing a lot together and it warms my heart to know they can lean on each other in the storm, when needed. Rich loves to play Settlers of Catan. We play as a family a couple of times a week…and always at holidays when the boys are home. Lily and I managed to find a new version of the game…about historical America. Lily got it for him for Father’s Day. Rich has a hockey game around noon, then he’s going to work the last part of the day so his manager can enjoy Father’s Day with his young family. That’s the kind of guy he is. It is his weekend off but he’s going to fill in so our manager can be with his family. Rich is just a good guy…that’s why I love him so much. I got him some new grilling stuff to use. I know he has already talked to Tim this morning. Joe has a physical test for entrance into a fire department this morning so we’ll talk to him later.

I would like to say a bit about my own dad now. My dad is originally from Michigan but now lives in the Houston area. His dad was in the Navy and so he moved all over the place growing up but ended up going to high school in Breckenridge, Michigan (tiny spot in the middle of the mitten). He met my mom and they were married while he was still in college at Lake Superior State College in the UP. He joined the Army and my parents were off on the adventure of a lifetime. My dad was a combat engineer with a degree in accounting (which he used as well dispersed throughout his nearly 30 years in the U.S. Army). The army was always moving us around during my childhood. My dad was also an Airborne Ranger and a master jumper. I remember telling my Army National Guard Infantry son that and his eyes bugging out. Joe immediately said, “I didn’t know Grandpa was a badass!” Yep. I remember going to watch him parachute as a kid at Fort Bragg. I also remember him working long hours. Whenever we moved to a new place, he and my mom made sure we found a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church to attend. They were both active in the Church and were great examples to us kids. My parents now live in Cypress, TX, just outside of Houston. They moved there to live close to my brother and his family. My dad has had a series of TIAs (mini strokes) over the last 11 years or so and that has affected his eyesight quite a bit. He cannot see on the left side of either eye. He no longer drives. He has pretty severe memory issues and does not read or write much. He has trouble finding his words and is more likely to quietly listen to conversations than try to participate in them. It is hard to watch from afar as my father, who was always so incredibly smart and outgoing and talkative, slowly quiets himself. He is a homebody like me at this point. He goes on walks around the block a couple of times a day and I walk Tallinn. My parents are coming up to visit in 3 weeks and I am so looking forward to spending a few days with them. I have not seen them since I was diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes you just need to be able to hugs the people you love tight and in person. This COVID 19 virus has made that pretty hard. So if your dad is near by and you can do it, hold them tight and tell them you love them. Time is a tricky thing…and pretty unpredictable to its amount. Speaking of which, time to take a shower and give my dad a call! Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there! I hope you have a fabulous day!

Kinda had a rough day today. I got up early and went to the grocery store. My rash is at its peak right now and my sides and under arms are just raw. If the pattern holds true from last month, it should start to get better over the next week or two. Right now, it is extremely painful to move. I sleep on my side and to move at all at night makes me feel like my body is on fire for several minutes. The blisters on my toes have taken on a life of their own as well. After walking in the grocery store today in walking sandals, I just could imagine the pain of putting on socks and tennis shoes to go for my normal walk. So for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t walk at all today outside. It made me sad because our heat wave finally broke last night with some really spectacular storms. I was also pretty tired today. Found myself dozing off for about 25 minutes twice today while listening to a spy novel on audiobooks. I did rally to make a new recipe for dinner. French Onion Chicken Macaroni and Cheese. It took me awhile to make it because I hadn’t made it before….and it made enough to feed 8 -10! I now have a container in the fridge and three in the freezer for later on. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is better than today!

I wanted to update everyone on my family. They are my everything, so those of you who know me well know. Joe was released from his guard duty in St. Louis, MO and is now back at home in Kansas City. Praise God. He got home just in time to help move his best friend into his new home in Lee’s Summit. Congratulations Zac and Megan! Joe actually facetimed me last night as they were all in Zac and Megan’s new back yard relaxing after a long day’s work of lifting and moving and lifting again. Joe and Michelle have surrounded themselves with some really great people. As they passed around the phone, each of them said hello to me, asked me how I was, and joked with me. What a blessing. It makes me feel so reassured that they are surrounded by good people who will support them when needed.

Tim is now settled into his new apartment in Fort Collins, Colorado. He drove out early Friday morning. Rich and Lily left Friday afternoon and arrived around 10 p.m. They all have fallen in love with where Tim is now living. His roommates are seniors at CSU and won’t arrive until August, so he’ll have the place to himself for about 2 months. They went to Rocky Mountain National Park to walk around and hike on Saturday. They got to see several moose and elk. There are quite a few geese and ducks in the small stream behind Tim’s apartment building. Rich and Lily are on their way back today. Hopefully we’ll be able to go and visit him for a longer visit soon. Tim has been “interviewing” weightlifting gyms in the area and is going to visit the top one today. Anyone who knows him knows this is his big step into making this town his home. Now he just needs to find a good Jiu Jitsu gym. I am happy for him finding his way in a new place all alone. It isn’t easy. I have done it before, and it took awhile to settle in and find my new inner circle. His boss from Lincoln is going to visit him on Wednesday, so that will be good to start the work he moved there to do in opening the new kickboxing gym. I can’t wait for Rich and Lily to come home and tell me all about Fort Collins.

My Church, St. Gerald in Ralson, has reopened and although they are meeting daily for Mass, I am not able to go yet. I am so very thankful for the live stream video that allows me to worship with them from home. Today, the RCIA candidates were welcomed into full communion with the Catholic Church. This should have happened at the Easter Vigil service. These people, wanting to join the Church and having attended classes for 9 months, have been waiting to be welcomed into the Church. Today they were…with masks and 6 feet apart. Congratulations and welcome!

As for me, all is well. I have 3 large blisters on my feet that are painful but not debilitating. I sometimes start out our early morning walk with a bit of a limp as they are sore, but by the time I am a block or two away, the pain has eased. The raging rash under my arms is back and in the painful stage…but at least I know it won’t last too long. It was really only painful and raw for about a week or week and a half last time, so I can handle it. My hands are very wrinkly….as my kids when they were little and in the pool or tub too long, would get “raisin fingers”. I drink at least 2 liters of water each day, so I am staying hydrated, but my hands are now very wrinkly. It doesn’t hurt…just a little weird and my phone doesn’t want to recognize my fingerprint readily, which becomes a bit frustrating as it is how I unlock my phone quickly. Again, just a minor inconvenience. Otherwise, I am feeling really good. I am able to do all the housework, some yard work, walk Tallinn about 5 miles daily, and keep up with work on the computer. I am reorganizing my kitchen cabinets…as I am going stir crazy and organizing things puts me in my comfort zone. Envision labeled containers with all my spices….and all my baking goods. Ah, things that make me happy.

I received the results of my CT scans from last week today. I have to preface this all by saying that I have not talked to my doctor. I have an patient records program online with my hospital. It keeps track of all your appointments and bills and test results. My results were put on that program. As a former RN, I understand most of what I am reading. However, I do not believe this is the best way for patients to receive news like this. My doctor has received a more in-depth report from the radiologist, but I have not heard from him, nor do I expect to. I have an appointment with him on June 25th for my next round of chemo and I am guessing that is when he will talk to me about the results. (which is shameful….that is 2.5 weeks away and 3 weeks after the scans were done – no cancer patient should have to wait for news from their scans like that.) If I do hear from him, I will be pleasantly surprised and will mention it on here. The news….no shrinkage….no growth. Everything is stable. It appears there are no new growths. Stability or shrinkage was what we were looking for, so this is good news. This chemo is easily tolerated. My rashes are gone (praise God) and the big blisters I am getting on my toes aren’t too awful. I do feel awful for about a week after chemo, but then I feel pretty normal for 3 weeks after that, which is a true blessing. Yes, I get tired every now and then, but for the most part, I am living a good life, even if it is one that is sequestered away from everyone. Thank you for all the prayers, my prayer warriors. God is listening and currently giving me a reprieve for now.

The scans went well on Thursday. They were able to access my port for the IV rather than start another IV, which I appreciated. The scan really only took about 10 minutes. I was pretty much emotionally spent by the time I went home though. Tallinn had also had a trying experience at the vet’s that morning. Poor thing…he really can’t stand to be messed with…especially by people he doesn’t know. He just fights like a banshee. Even with a five mile walk just under his belt, he was still so upset with what he was going through, that they called me within 15 minutes to come and get him and love on him. We spent the afternoon snuggling and recovering from the emotional turmoil of the day. I have not heard anything about the results of the scans yet. Hopefully I will either get a report sent to my online patient records or a call from my doctor. Still praying for good news so I can stay on this chemo another 3 months.

The weather here has been so incredibly hot. Until today, I have been still getting in my 5 miles each morning with Tallinn. Today is supposed to be beastly hot. At 0815, it was already past 80 and sunny. Tallinn and I just meandered in our neighborhood, trying to find shady streets. We managed 3 miles before I called it quits for today. Thank goodness for a stiff Nebraska breeze. I think the hot weather has done a world of good for the flora and fauna around here. The Japanese beetles aren’t crawling all over everything yet, so the knockout roses are bursting with blossoms in all colors in my yard and neighborhood. The result is also that my allergies (which I am thinking is cottonwood – as it happens when I see those white floaty cotton wisps flying in the air) are driving me crazy. Luckily it only lasts for a week or so each year.

Tim is moving to Colorado at the end of the week. I can’t believe he’ll be so far away. I am so happy for him, but it will be hard to say goodbye on Friday morning. Rich and Lily are going to head out there Friday afternoon to drop off the rest of his belongings. Joe is still activated with the National Guard and is in St. Louis. He has orders for two weeks, so we’ll see how things go this week. So far he has been safe. He says people are either being wonderful and giving them water (it’s hot all over the midwest and he is in full “battle rattle” as he calls it) or people are yelling at him and calling him names. Please keep both of my sons in your prayers. It is almost time for Sunday Mass. My parish opened up last Sunday in time for Pentecost, the birthday of the Church. I am not supposed to go yet, so I am still watching online…missing seeing my good friends in person. I am sure the priests are happy to have people in the pews again, instead of looking at the pictures taped to the pew.

I leave you with a couple of pictures. The picture on the bridge is where Tallinn and I take our walks in the morning. The one of us on the couch is from Thursday afternoon…when we both just gave and took love and emotional support to each other.

I am now on day 6 after my 3rd round of Doxil. The first couple of days are fine due to the steroids but starting Sunday through Thursday…I just don’t feel good at all. I try not to beat myself up about that. I AM having poison pumped into my body….nasty stuff that works for weeks. I feel queasy and tired and really emotional. I try really hard to not let that distract to those around me at home, but sometimes it is just hard faking that you are doing okay. I think part of the angst of this week is that things are a little topsy turvy. Tim has moved back in with us for two weeks. He moves to Colorado next Friday (June 12). Having another adult here…one who likes to eat…has been a change. He is a go-getter and he keeps asking me what my plans for the day are. I have had to bite my tongue and not tell him the only plans I have for the day is to try not to throw up. I actually fell asleep today and took a nap, which I decided was not being lazy, but being healing. My oldest son got activated by the Army National Guard for the next two weeks. He will no longer be going to Colorado with Tim and helping him move, so we are back to plan B of us moving him….most likely Rich and Lily driving the rest of his stuff out there next weekend. So the change continues…me worrying about them traveling and then worrying about my son in the midst of the violent protests going on. Sigh. In the middle of all this, there are these little scans happening tomorrow. Sigh. Not so little. I am having CT scans with IV contrast done of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis. This will show if the chemo I have been on the last three months is actually working or not. I would sure hope that the results would be either shrinkage or stability (no growth), but it is really just a crapshoot. This rare and aggressive cancer can just explode and spread everywhere in a short period of time, which is why I am scanned every 3 months. Scanxiety is real…it is the cancer patient’s panic attack that they are going to be robbed even further of their well-being and time with loved ones. I always considered myself so strong and willing to face anything, but these scans start to weigh on you after awhile. Luckily, it will be a short visit and then I get to wait for the results, which they email my online patient chart when they read them. Not the best way to find out the news…reading an abbreviated pathology report. However, we’ll see what happens. Wishing for the best, knowing I will just deal with whatever is dealt to me, as always.

Thankfulness…I got a Detroit Tiger baseball cap from my sister, Pam Pfeil! Thanks Pam! It is weird to even be thinking about baseball right now as it has been absent for so long. However, the local teams started practicing here Monday, so I am excited. Now I have both sides of the family mollified with my baseball hats….Red Sox for the Messina side and Detroit for the Neitzke side. Although I have hair (for now), I am always in a baseball hat when I leave the house, so having these two is awesome. Deb Banchor came by and dropped off a sonic cherry limeade slushie at my house yesterday! (my favorite) We turned the calendar to June in Omaha and summer came on with a vengeance. It was 95 here yesterday and it is currently 93 now! Craziness! Deb checked up on me and Tallinn as we went for a walk each of these days. We are going to go earlier tomorrow! I also received a beautiful bracelet from Laura Jackson, the prinicipal who hired me at Ft. Crook Elementary school when I first moved to Bellevue, Nebraska. I just love her! She makes me laugh and I miss chatting with her! Thank you so much for thinking of me. What a beautiful gift.

Sorry I was kind of a downer today. I want this site to be something that keeps you in touch with me…and I want to be real about everything. I am not going to sugarcoat everything. I have been feeling horrible and with everything going on in our world, our country, and our city as of late, I have just about had it with everything and everyone. I am taking great pains to stay away from a lot of the negativity going on because I just don’t have the ability to deal with it right now. I am dealing with enough. Be kind. Be Jesus to others. Have faith. Be the calm in the storm. Show love to others. None of this is new….none of this is hard. See ya on the flip side of the scans.

Yesterday I was spent my morning at the Cancer Center at Bergan Mercy CHI hospital getting labs done, being interviewed and examined by a Creighton resident, talking with my primary medical oncologist, and then receiving my chemo infusion. My labs came back great, so chemo was a go. The resident was new (as they always are at this point because I only go once a month and that is their rotation time). He asked me if I knew why I was there. I just kinda stared at him for a minute or two…and explained I was getting a chemo infusion. No one had ever asked me that question before except before a procedure or surgery, when it is legally required. So I looked in his eyes (as we were both masked that was my only option really) and asked him, “Do you know why you are here?” His pause was longer than mine. Yay! Made him think! We laughed. He listened to my heart and lungs…checked the awful rash I have under my arms on on my upper sides, and the swelling in my ankles. None of which were a concern I guess. At least he was thorough. I appreciate that. The medical oncologist and my oncology surgeon never touch me at all…to check anything, which I find odd. Really odd. The rash on my upper sides are the size of my entire hand and look awful but are actually getting better. It was red and bruised (even though I didn’t scratch them) and finally kind of crusted over and peeled. I have been dealing with it for about 2 weeks now and I hope it will start to fade now. Those areas just hurt alot….didn’t itch. They felt like I had a wire dog brush tucked into the sides of my bra that dug into my skin every time I moved my arms. Yuck. The red streaking rash on the under side of my upper arms are the ones that itch and are about the size of my palms…so a bit smaller. These are also angry-looking but feeling much better. I have heard it just has to run its course and you have to grin and bear it. I wanted to keep up with my 5 mile a day walks with Tallinn and so tucked ankle socks in the sides of my bra to prevent rubbing on that big rash area. That really helped a lot. God’s grace spoke to me with that idea, because it was definitely a Godsend. Most people don’t stick socks in the armpits of their bras, but hey, whatever works. Yesterday I went sockless up top and survived. Baby steps. Today I wore the socks because I just didn’t want to chance it on a longer walk in warm weather. Anyhow, back to yesterday. My doctor told me that a patient of his had been placed in the hospital due to pneumonitis from Gemcitabine. This is what had happened to me and I was nearly hospitalized. Praying for that person. It is awful. He also asked me if I had any blisters on my feet. I do…or did…have three large blisters on the bottom of my toes on my right foot. I honestly thought it was from so much walking. Nope. Another chemo side effect. Chemo went off without a hitch. I was immediately claimed by my favorite nurse, Nora. She is the bomb. We have daughters the same age. I sat kitty-corner to a man about my age (honestly, I am horrible with guessing ages but since we all have to announce our full names and birthdates aloud to two nurses when we are getting our chemo infusions, it kinda helps. He was a couple years older but within 5 years of my age. He and I had chose to look out the windows. The sun was shining for the first time in many days, and the wind was blowing the trees. I may have mentioned before the hospital is surrounded on both sides by two of Omaha’s largest cemetaries…one for the Catholics and one for the Protestants. So the two of us sat there, the youngest in the infusion center, staring out over the tombstones, awaiting the poison to be put into our veins. I talked to him a little bit. It is hard because we were about 10 feet away, wearing masks, and I learned he was from a country in Africa, with a thick accent. It is harder to understand people when their mouths are covered. Anyhow, all went well. I came home very tired and much paler than when I left, which lasted the day. I did also make appointments for my scans. First off, no PET CT scan ordered! Yay! (I hate that one! – it is several hours and I have to drink only water for at least 36 hours prior – and then I am radio active) Instead I have a CT of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis (which will be done all at once. As far as I know it won’t even be the skinny CT tube…but I am mentally prepared for that. This will all be done on Thursday, June 4th, in the afternoon. I am praying that this chemo is working because it is so much easier on my body than the other mix was. I would love to be able to continue it.

I went for a long walk in the evening with Tallinn, Rich and Lily. I thought for sure that after playing a couple of rounds of a board game, which we do almost every night after dinner (Settlers of Catan), that I would just be spent. I felt pretty tired. Rich and I watched a couple of episodes of Madam Secretary (one of my favorite shows that we are re-watching in anticipation of the last season being released – which it was this week). We went to bed and I read a bit then thought I would sack right out. Rich did…snoring loudly. I woke him up twice to roll him over. No joy. I finally got out of bed and moved to the couch. Even though I was exhausted , the steroids I got in my IV late that morning were doing their thing and not letting me sleep. My mind was going a mile a minute and I couldn’t settle. Tallinn sleeps on my side of the love seat on his dog pad at night after he feels we are asleep. He stays in our room by my bed on the floor for about an hour before padding out to the family room to sleep in a more comfy spot. He hopped down and came over to me on the couch and put his paws on my chest and nuzzled his head into my neck to give me a hug (he loves to do this to his humans – give hugs) and then went back to his spot on the loveseat and sighed loudly. (he has very deep, loud, vocal sighs) It took me awhile to turn off my brain…this is when praying really helps. I had a lot to pray about. Anyhow, Tallinn was thrilled to wake me up earlier than normal this morning to let him out and feed him since I was conveniently right next to him. Still managed to get in my miles last night and this morning.

In a couple of hours we are going to drive down to Lincoln to have dinner with Tim and pick up the last of his belongings. Six years in Lincoln. I know he is going to miss it. He will then follow us up to Omaha and move into our basement apartment for the next two weeks. He will take off on June 12th to head to Ft. Collins, CO to start his new life there. I am excited for him. I am also happy I will be able to spend some time with him over the next couple of weeks before he leaves. By the grace of God (again), we were chatting with Joe and Michelle last night and they think they are going to come up here on Thursday, June 11th, and travel with Tim to Colorado. Tim can’t fit all of his belongings in his car and needed someone else to go with him to schlep his stuff there. We were trying to figure out how that would work with Lily being in summer school (albeit online) , me really not supposed to be travelling, and Rich scheduled to work during that time frame (our manager will be out of town). It was getting to be a drive 8 hours on Saturday then drive back the next day. Didn’t sound very fun. All I wanted was to be able to make sure he was settled and had what he needed. Sigh. I kinda feel like a big mom failure at this point. Anyhow, Joe and Michelle want to go and will make it a small vacation for them. I will be forever grateful. It rests my heart and mind easy. Again, a total Godsend!

Thankfulness thoughts…..I have to give a big shout out to everyone who I have been receiving cards and texts from….Wendy Masin, Michele Nagel, Erika Campbell, Lois Doyle, Emily Ryan, my doppelganger – Bridget Wilson, prayers and masses offered at the National Shrine of Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal as requested by Sue Trigg (this was so very touching), and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from a fellow stage IV cancer warrior and dear Scottish friend from our time in Norway, Fiona Macklon. We have gotten to know each other so much better since our diagnoses…and we are seeing this thing through together. We have kids about the same ages. She currently lives in Houston and we are in contact if not daily, almost daily. God definitely put her in my path to soothe my spirit and raise them up. Today is her birthday. Happy birthday Fiona! We know each others’ treatment days and she had these flowers at my house about 20 minutes after I got home from the cancer center. What a true blessing she is to me! I hate that we are travelling this road but I am so blessed to have her at my side.

It is hard to believe it has been 3 weeks since my last infusion….which means a week from today I will be at the cancer center at Bergan Mercy Hospital getting my third round of Doxil. Thankfully, I feel relatively good on this chemotherapy for most of the time. I just don’t know if it is working. I will be scheduling scans during the weeks following my infusion. I pray that it is working, as if I have to take chemotherapy, I would like to continue this one as long as possible, as it impacts my life the least thus far. I do have a bit of a rash under one arm, but for the most part, I can ignore it if it is covered. I have been blessed with cooler than normal weather and been able to walk for over an hour every morning with Tallinn. We typically walk about 5 miles. He and I enjoy it. For those of you whom have never had the pleasure to spend time in Nebraska, it gets beastly hot and humid in the summer….just as it is bitterly cold in the winter. After our walks, I have been researching new recipes (huli-huli chicken was a big hit last night), working on my bookkeeping job at Play It Again Sports, scrapbooking, talking with Lily, and studying Spanish. The days are starting to run together unfortunately, but I know I am not the only one who feels this way. So for all of those who are quarantined for the umpteenth day…I feel you! I hope you are making the most of your home time!