Scanxiety is Real

I am now on day 6 after my 3rd round of Doxil. The first couple of days are fine due to the steroids but starting Sunday through Thursday…I just don’t feel good at all. I try not to beat myself up about that. I AM having poison pumped into my body….nasty stuff that works for weeks. I feel queasy and tired and really emotional. I try really hard to not let that distract to those around me at home, but sometimes it is just hard faking that you are doing okay. I think part of the angst of this week is that things are a little topsy turvy. Tim has moved back in with us for two weeks. He moves to Colorado next Friday (June 12). Having another adult here…one who likes to eat…has been a change. He is a go-getter and he keeps asking me what my plans for the day are. I have had to bite my tongue and not tell him the only plans I have for the day is to try not to throw up. I actually fell asleep today and took a nap, which I decided was not being lazy, but being healing. My oldest son got activated by the Army National Guard for the next two weeks. He will no longer be going to Colorado with Tim and helping him move, so we are back to plan B of us moving him….most likely Rich and Lily driving the rest of his stuff out there next weekend. So the change continues…me worrying about them traveling and then worrying about my son in the midst of the violent protests going on. Sigh. In the middle of all this, there are these little scans happening tomorrow. Sigh. Not so little. I am having CT scans with IV contrast done of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis. This will show if the chemo I have been on the last three months is actually working or not. I would sure hope that the results would be either shrinkage or stability (no growth), but it is really just a crapshoot. This rare and aggressive cancer can just explode and spread everywhere in a short period of time, which is why I am scanned every 3 months. Scanxiety is real…it is the cancer patient’s panic attack that they are going to be robbed even further of their well-being and time with loved ones. I always considered myself so strong and willing to face anything, but these scans start to weigh on you after awhile. Luckily, it will be a short visit and then I get to wait for the results, which they email my online patient chart when they read them. Not the best way to find out the news…reading an abbreviated pathology report. However, we’ll see what happens. Wishing for the best, knowing I will just deal with whatever is dealt to me, as always.

Thankfulness…I got a Detroit Tiger baseball cap from my sister, Pam Pfeil! Thanks Pam! It is weird to even be thinking about baseball right now as it has been absent for so long. However, the local teams started practicing here Monday, so I am excited. Now I have both sides of the family mollified with my baseball hats….Red Sox for the Messina side and Detroit for the Neitzke side. Although I have hair (for now), I am always in a baseball hat when I leave the house, so having these two is awesome. Deb Banchor came by and dropped off a sonic cherry limeade slushie at my house yesterday! (my favorite) We turned the calendar to June in Omaha and summer came on with a vengeance. It was 95 here yesterday and it is currently 93 now! Craziness! Deb checked up on me and Tallinn as we went for a walk each of these days. We are going to go earlier tomorrow! I also received a beautiful bracelet from Laura Jackson, the prinicipal who hired me at Ft. Crook Elementary school when I first moved to Bellevue, Nebraska. I just love her! She makes me laugh and I miss chatting with her! Thank you so much for thinking of me. What a beautiful gift.

Sorry I was kind of a downer today. I want this site to be something that keeps you in touch with me…and I want to be real about everything. I am not going to sugarcoat everything. I have been feeling horrible and with everything going on in our world, our country, and our city as of late, I have just about had it with everything and everyone. I am taking great pains to stay away from a lot of the negativity going on because I just don’t have the ability to deal with it right now. I am dealing with enough. Be kind. Be Jesus to others. Have faith. Be the calm in the storm. Show love to others. None of this is new….none of this is hard. See ya on the flip side of the scans.