I received the results of my CT scans from last week today. I have to preface this all by saying that I have not talked to my doctor. I have an patient records program online with my hospital. It keeps track of all your appointments and bills and test results. My results were put on that program. As a former RN, I understand most of what I am reading. However, I do not believe this is the best way for patients to receive news like this. My doctor has received a more in-depth report from the radiologist, but I have not heard from him, nor do I expect to. I have an appointment with him on June 25th for my next round of chemo and I am guessing that is when he will talk to me about the results. (which is shameful….that is 2.5 weeks away and 3 weeks after the scans were done – no cancer patient should have to wait for news from their scans like that.) If I do hear from him, I will be pleasantly surprised and will mention it on here. The news….no shrinkage….no growth. Everything is stable. It appears there are no new growths. Stability or shrinkage was what we were looking for, so this is good news. This chemo is easily tolerated. My rashes are gone (praise God) and the big blisters I am getting on my toes aren’t too awful. I do feel awful for about a week after chemo, but then I feel pretty normal for 3 weeks after that, which is a true blessing. Yes, I get tired every now and then, but for the most part, I am living a good life, even if it is one that is sequestered away from everyone. Thank you for all the prayers, my prayer warriors. God is listening and currently giving me a reprieve for now.

The scans went well on Thursday. They were able to access my port for the IV rather than start another IV, which I appreciated. The scan really only took about 10 minutes. I was pretty much emotionally spent by the time I went home though. Tallinn had also had a trying experience at the vet’s that morning. Poor thing…he really can’t stand to be messed with…especially by people he doesn’t know. He just fights like a banshee. Even with a five mile walk just under his belt, he was still so upset with what he was going through, that they called me within 15 minutes to come and get him and love on him. We spent the afternoon snuggling and recovering from the emotional turmoil of the day. I have not heard anything about the results of the scans yet. Hopefully I will either get a report sent to my online patient records or a call from my doctor. Still praying for good news so I can stay on this chemo another 3 months.

The weather here has been so incredibly hot. Until today, I have been still getting in my 5 miles each morning with Tallinn. Today is supposed to be beastly hot. At 0815, it was already past 80 and sunny. Tallinn and I just meandered in our neighborhood, trying to find shady streets. We managed 3 miles before I called it quits for today. Thank goodness for a stiff Nebraska breeze. I think the hot weather has done a world of good for the flora and fauna around here. The Japanese beetles aren’t crawling all over everything yet, so the knockout roses are bursting with blossoms in all colors in my yard and neighborhood. The result is also that my allergies (which I am thinking is cottonwood – as it happens when I see those white floaty cotton wisps flying in the air) are driving me crazy. Luckily it only lasts for a week or so each year.

Tim is moving to Colorado at the end of the week. I can’t believe he’ll be so far away. I am so happy for him, but it will be hard to say goodbye on Friday morning. Rich and Lily are going to head out there Friday afternoon to drop off the rest of his belongings. Joe is still activated with the National Guard and is in St. Louis. He has orders for two weeks, so we’ll see how things go this week. So far he has been safe. He says people are either being wonderful and giving them water (it’s hot all over the midwest and he is in full “battle rattle” as he calls it) or people are yelling at him and calling him names. Please keep both of my sons in your prayers. It is almost time for Sunday Mass. My parish opened up last Sunday in time for Pentecost, the birthday of the Church. I am not supposed to go yet, so I am still watching online…missing seeing my good friends in person. I am sure the priests are happy to have people in the pews again, instead of looking at the pictures taped to the pew.

I leave you with a couple of pictures. The picture on the bridge is where Tallinn and I take our walks in the morning. The one of us on the couch is from Thursday afternoon…when we both just gave and took love and emotional support to each other.

I am now on day 6 after my 3rd round of Doxil. The first couple of days are fine due to the steroids but starting Sunday through Thursday…I just don’t feel good at all. I try not to beat myself up about that. I AM having poison pumped into my body….nasty stuff that works for weeks. I feel queasy and tired and really emotional. I try really hard to not let that distract to those around me at home, but sometimes it is just hard faking that you are doing okay. I think part of the angst of this week is that things are a little topsy turvy. Tim has moved back in with us for two weeks. He moves to Colorado next Friday (June 12). Having another adult here…one who likes to eat…has been a change. He is a go-getter and he keeps asking me what my plans for the day are. I have had to bite my tongue and not tell him the only plans I have for the day is to try not to throw up. I actually fell asleep today and took a nap, which I decided was not being lazy, but being healing. My oldest son got activated by the Army National Guard for the next two weeks. He will no longer be going to Colorado with Tim and helping him move, so we are back to plan B of us moving him….most likely Rich and Lily driving the rest of his stuff out there next weekend. So the change continues…me worrying about them traveling and then worrying about my son in the midst of the violent protests going on. Sigh. In the middle of all this, there are these little scans happening tomorrow. Sigh. Not so little. I am having CT scans with IV contrast done of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis. This will show if the chemo I have been on the last three months is actually working or not. I would sure hope that the results would be either shrinkage or stability (no growth), but it is really just a crapshoot. This rare and aggressive cancer can just explode and spread everywhere in a short period of time, which is why I am scanned every 3 months. Scanxiety is real…it is the cancer patient’s panic attack that they are going to be robbed even further of their well-being and time with loved ones. I always considered myself so strong and willing to face anything, but these scans start to weigh on you after awhile. Luckily, it will be a short visit and then I get to wait for the results, which they email my online patient chart when they read them. Not the best way to find out the news…reading an abbreviated pathology report. However, we’ll see what happens. Wishing for the best, knowing I will just deal with whatever is dealt to me, as always.

Thankfulness…I got a Detroit Tiger baseball cap from my sister, Pam Pfeil! Thanks Pam! It is weird to even be thinking about baseball right now as it has been absent for so long. However, the local teams started practicing here Monday, so I am excited. Now I have both sides of the family mollified with my baseball hats….Red Sox for the Messina side and Detroit for the Neitzke side. Although I have hair (for now), I am always in a baseball hat when I leave the house, so having these two is awesome. Deb Banchor came by and dropped off a sonic cherry limeade slushie at my house yesterday! (my favorite) We turned the calendar to June in Omaha and summer came on with a vengeance. It was 95 here yesterday and it is currently 93 now! Craziness! Deb checked up on me and Tallinn as we went for a walk each of these days. We are going to go earlier tomorrow! I also received a beautiful bracelet from Laura Jackson, the prinicipal who hired me at Ft. Crook Elementary school when I first moved to Bellevue, Nebraska. I just love her! She makes me laugh and I miss chatting with her! Thank you so much for thinking of me. What a beautiful gift.

Sorry I was kind of a downer today. I want this site to be something that keeps you in touch with me…and I want to be real about everything. I am not going to sugarcoat everything. I have been feeling horrible and with everything going on in our world, our country, and our city as of late, I have just about had it with everything and everyone. I am taking great pains to stay away from a lot of the negativity going on because I just don’t have the ability to deal with it right now. I am dealing with enough. Be kind. Be Jesus to others. Have faith. Be the calm in the storm. Show love to others. None of this is new….none of this is hard. See ya on the flip side of the scans.

Yesterday I was spent my morning at the Cancer Center at Bergan Mercy CHI hospital getting labs done, being interviewed and examined by a Creighton resident, talking with my primary medical oncologist, and then receiving my chemo infusion. My labs came back great, so chemo was a go. The resident was new (as they always are at this point because I only go once a month and that is their rotation time). He asked me if I knew why I was there. I just kinda stared at him for a minute or two…and explained I was getting a chemo infusion. No one had ever asked me that question before except before a procedure or surgery, when it is legally required. So I looked in his eyes (as we were both masked that was my only option really) and asked him, “Do you know why you are here?” His pause was longer than mine. Yay! Made him think! We laughed. He listened to my heart and lungs…checked the awful rash I have under my arms on on my upper sides, and the swelling in my ankles. None of which were a concern I guess. At least he was thorough. I appreciate that. The medical oncologist and my oncology surgeon never touch me at all…to check anything, which I find odd. Really odd. The rash on my upper sides are the size of my entire hand and look awful but are actually getting better. It was red and bruised (even though I didn’t scratch them) and finally kind of crusted over and peeled. I have been dealing with it for about 2 weeks now and I hope it will start to fade now. Those areas just hurt alot….didn’t itch. They felt like I had a wire dog brush tucked into the sides of my bra that dug into my skin every time I moved my arms. Yuck. The red streaking rash on the under side of my upper arms are the ones that itch and are about the size of my palms…so a bit smaller. These are also angry-looking but feeling much better. I have heard it just has to run its course and you have to grin and bear it. I wanted to keep up with my 5 mile a day walks with Tallinn and so tucked ankle socks in the sides of my bra to prevent rubbing on that big rash area. That really helped a lot. God’s grace spoke to me with that idea, because it was definitely a Godsend. Most people don’t stick socks in the armpits of their bras, but hey, whatever works. Yesterday I went sockless up top and survived. Baby steps. Today I wore the socks because I just didn’t want to chance it on a longer walk in warm weather. Anyhow, back to yesterday. My doctor told me that a patient of his had been placed in the hospital due to pneumonitis from Gemcitabine. This is what had happened to me and I was nearly hospitalized. Praying for that person. It is awful. He also asked me if I had any blisters on my feet. I do…or did…have three large blisters on the bottom of my toes on my right foot. I honestly thought it was from so much walking. Nope. Another chemo side effect. Chemo went off without a hitch. I was immediately claimed by my favorite nurse, Nora. She is the bomb. We have daughters the same age. I sat kitty-corner to a man about my age (honestly, I am horrible with guessing ages but since we all have to announce our full names and birthdates aloud to two nurses when we are getting our chemo infusions, it kinda helps. He was a couple years older but within 5 years of my age. He and I had chose to look out the windows. The sun was shining for the first time in many days, and the wind was blowing the trees. I may have mentioned before the hospital is surrounded on both sides by two of Omaha’s largest cemetaries…one for the Catholics and one for the Protestants. So the two of us sat there, the youngest in the infusion center, staring out over the tombstones, awaiting the poison to be put into our veins. I talked to him a little bit. It is hard because we were about 10 feet away, wearing masks, and I learned he was from a country in Africa, with a thick accent. It is harder to understand people when their mouths are covered. Anyhow, all went well. I came home very tired and much paler than when I left, which lasted the day. I did also make appointments for my scans. First off, no PET CT scan ordered! Yay! (I hate that one! – it is several hours and I have to drink only water for at least 36 hours prior – and then I am radio active) Instead I have a CT of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis (which will be done all at once. As far as I know it won’t even be the skinny CT tube…but I am mentally prepared for that. This will all be done on Thursday, June 4th, in the afternoon. I am praying that this chemo is working because it is so much easier on my body than the other mix was. I would love to be able to continue it.

I went for a long walk in the evening with Tallinn, Rich and Lily. I thought for sure that after playing a couple of rounds of a board game, which we do almost every night after dinner (Settlers of Catan), that I would just be spent. I felt pretty tired. Rich and I watched a couple of episodes of Madam Secretary (one of my favorite shows that we are re-watching in anticipation of the last season being released – which it was this week). We went to bed and I read a bit then thought I would sack right out. Rich did…snoring loudly. I woke him up twice to roll him over. No joy. I finally got out of bed and moved to the couch. Even though I was exhausted , the steroids I got in my IV late that morning were doing their thing and not letting me sleep. My mind was going a mile a minute and I couldn’t settle. Tallinn sleeps on my side of the love seat on his dog pad at night after he feels we are asleep. He stays in our room by my bed on the floor for about an hour before padding out to the family room to sleep in a more comfy spot. He hopped down and came over to me on the couch and put his paws on my chest and nuzzled his head into my neck to give me a hug (he loves to do this to his humans – give hugs) and then went back to his spot on the loveseat and sighed loudly. (he has very deep, loud, vocal sighs) It took me awhile to turn off my brain…this is when praying really helps. I had a lot to pray about. Anyhow, Tallinn was thrilled to wake me up earlier than normal this morning to let him out and feed him since I was conveniently right next to him. Still managed to get in my miles last night and this morning.

In a couple of hours we are going to drive down to Lincoln to have dinner with Tim and pick up the last of his belongings. Six years in Lincoln. I know he is going to miss it. He will then follow us up to Omaha and move into our basement apartment for the next two weeks. He will take off on June 12th to head to Ft. Collins, CO to start his new life there. I am excited for him. I am also happy I will be able to spend some time with him over the next couple of weeks before he leaves. By the grace of God (again), we were chatting with Joe and Michelle last night and they think they are going to come up here on Thursday, June 11th, and travel with Tim to Colorado. Tim can’t fit all of his belongings in his car and needed someone else to go with him to schlep his stuff there. We were trying to figure out how that would work with Lily being in summer school (albeit online) , me really not supposed to be travelling, and Rich scheduled to work during that time frame (our manager will be out of town). It was getting to be a drive 8 hours on Saturday then drive back the next day. Didn’t sound very fun. All I wanted was to be able to make sure he was settled and had what he needed. Sigh. I kinda feel like a big mom failure at this point. Anyhow, Joe and Michelle want to go and will make it a small vacation for them. I will be forever grateful. It rests my heart and mind easy. Again, a total Godsend!

Thankfulness thoughts…..I have to give a big shout out to everyone who I have been receiving cards and texts from….Wendy Masin, Michele Nagel, Erika Campbell, Lois Doyle, Emily Ryan, my doppelganger – Bridget Wilson, prayers and masses offered at the National Shrine of Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal as requested by Sue Trigg (this was so very touching), and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from a fellow stage IV cancer warrior and dear Scottish friend from our time in Norway, Fiona Macklon. We have gotten to know each other so much better since our diagnoses…and we are seeing this thing through together. We have kids about the same ages. She currently lives in Houston and we are in contact if not daily, almost daily. God definitely put her in my path to soothe my spirit and raise them up. Today is her birthday. Happy birthday Fiona! We know each others’ treatment days and she had these flowers at my house about 20 minutes after I got home from the cancer center. What a true blessing she is to me! I hate that we are travelling this road but I am so blessed to have her at my side.

It is hard to believe it has been 3 weeks since my last infusion….which means a week from today I will be at the cancer center at Bergan Mercy Hospital getting my third round of Doxil. Thankfully, I feel relatively good on this chemotherapy for most of the time. I just don’t know if it is working. I will be scheduling scans during the weeks following my infusion. I pray that it is working, as if I have to take chemotherapy, I would like to continue this one as long as possible, as it impacts my life the least thus far. I do have a bit of a rash under one arm, but for the most part, I can ignore it if it is covered. I have been blessed with cooler than normal weather and been able to walk for over an hour every morning with Tallinn. We typically walk about 5 miles. He and I enjoy it. For those of you whom have never had the pleasure to spend time in Nebraska, it gets beastly hot and humid in the summer….just as it is bitterly cold in the winter. After our walks, I have been researching new recipes (huli-huli chicken was a big hit last night), working on my bookkeeping job at Play It Again Sports, scrapbooking, talking with Lily, and studying Spanish. The days are starting to run together unfortunately, but I know I am not the only one who feels this way. So for all of those who are quarantined for the umpteenth day…I feel you! I hope you are making the most of your home time!

We are plodding along during this pandemic! Lily and Rich left Sunday for Florida to surprise his mom for Mother’s Day. They flew back last night. It sounds like they enjoyed their four days in Destin, Florida, spending time with Rich’s folks and his sister, Tammie, and her family. The last time they flew down there, in January, the weather was unseasonably cool. They were greeted with better weather this time and managed to go to the beach a couple of times and fly Rich’s kite.

Yesterday was Lily’s official last day of her freshman year. She still had a couple of assignments to shore up today in physics, but she is done. She had been signed up for 4 culinary arts classes at the community college this summer, but all of them were cancelled. It literally took me 4 years to figure out the day to sign her up for these classes (because there are only 36 teens let in each summer for the entire metro area). It was just not meant to be this year. Lily is taking a Personal Finance class in summer school this June. She also has driver’s training scheduled but they are teaching it via zoom….and she never got her driver’s permit before the DMV closed. Not sure how that will work at this point. Strange times we are living in.

The Messina men are doing well….Joe has his EMT final tonight down in Kansas City. He has a few other tests coming up this weekend. He is really hoping to get onto a Fire Fighting Department soon, but it is hard to get the testing requirements done right now. But everyone is in the same boat, so hopefully it all works out. Tim started his master’s program about 10 days ago. It is the accelerated program, so he has quite a bit of work to do. His gym just reopened and as the manager, he is spending a lot of extra time making sure all goes according to plan. He is feeling the time pinch as he works full time and does the equivalent of going to grad school full time. At the end of May he will move back home with us for about 2 weeks while he gets ready to move to Ft. Collins, CO. We are pretty excited for him! Rich is actually at hockey tonight. He hasn’t played in several months, so maybe we should all pause and say a quick prayer…. He is doing the annual inventory with our staff on Sunday and then starting Monday, we will be back to our normal operating hours. Rich has decided that we will most likely be expanding our store this summer, so he will be keeping busy.

I am doing well. I didn’t feel so hot last week but felt fine this week. Tallinn and I enjoyed our four days on our own and went for some really long walks as the weather was pretty cool. Nebraska springs are a fickle thing….I try to not turn on the air conditioning prior to May 1st (and didn’t!) but then I also try to not turn on the heat after May 1st. The beginning of this week was a bit of a struggle. Luckily it was just Tallinn and me. There was one morning when it was 58 degrees in our house. Great sleeping weather….but not great ‘shower and get into your clothes for the day’ temps. So I occasionally have days where I just don’t feel so great. Today was one of those days. I ended up sleeping for about an hour around noon. That really helped. That being said, I am doing so much better on this chemo regimen. My peripheral neuropathy is resolving itself and my sense of taste is pretty much back. Some days I feel like I have been sucking on a quarter and everything is kind of metallic in taste…but nothing like it was before where I just couldn’t taste anything. I will have another round of chemo on May 28th…in 2 weeks. Then I will be getting scans to see if this chemo has helped or kept everything stable. Either of those are acceptable to me right now. If things are growing, then we’ll have to do something else. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. My oncologist has given me strict rules to only walk the dog and that is it. Well, after having a moment where I totally just lost it trying to explain to Rich what it has been like to be a prisoner in my own home since November, I decided I was not going to live like this anymore. I went grocery shopping. I won’t be doing it often, but I went at 0700 with all the older folks and immunocompromised people. It was liberating and will last me for awhile I think. I love to cook and to bake, so I went armed with several recipes in mind. I should be good for awhile! Also, while I was at the grocery store, I bought shampoo! This is a big deal seeing as I haven’t needed it for the last 5 months! I will be gutted if I lose my hair again before the wedding in September, but for now, I can actually part it. My comb has come out of retirement!

I want to publicly recognize my St. Gerald family….friends from Alpha who have called to check up on me… Marge Harmon, who sends me cards of encouragement…and Tom & RoseAnn Harvat (I refer to them as my Catholic parents) who dropped by a beautiful flower planter this week. In the midst of all this craziness going on, most people are dealing with their own issues. These folks remembered me during the midst of all of this and reached out. I am humbly honored to call them friends!

Well, it is halfway through the second day after chemo and so far, so good! I had heard rumors that the Zometa (the IV infusion for my bones) really made you feel icky the day afterwards, but I think the steroids to help out with the chemo may have done its part in helping out. I felt really good yesterday and walked 6 miles on my own yesterday morning. The weather was super nice in the morning before the temperature started to soar into the upper 80’s. I actually turned on the A/C last night, which was so much more comfortable for sleeping. Being on high dose steroids for 4 days straight allows me a somewhat artificial high burst of energy. It gives me a chance to get a lot done but it also affects my sleep. I did A LOT yesterday…lots of walking and stuff around the house. I was tired and sound asleep by 11 p.m. However, I woke up at 0345 and then couldn’t go back to sleep until 0500. Sigh, This is what steroids does to me…besides making me hungry all the time.

This morning I was able to make a part in my hair! Granted, it is still really short and still may fall out, but this was a day to celebrate. It is the little things that you have to celebrate. The Boston hat is still donned when I go outside though. My hair isn’t that long yet.

Yesterday was the first of May and Lily got a May Day basket from her friend, Maddie Condin. A blue solo cup with pipe cleaner “basket handle” filled with candy. They put them on your door step, ring the doorbell and skedaddle. I used to come to work at Ft. Crook Elementary School when I was the school secretary there, to May baskets from the students’ families. I have lived all over the world, but Nebraska is the place where I have seen this tradition the most.

Speaking of food, after being at home for so long and cooking almost every meal at home, I feel like I am getting into a cooking rut. This happened when we lived in Norway and we only went out to eat once a month. We have really only gotten take out once every couple of weeks, if that. We used to only run our dishwasher once every week…now it is every other day. I am making a big batch of tomato meat sauce today. It will be on the stove for several hours today and then I will freeze it to allow us to have portions for the next 4 months or so. However, pasta and sauce is our easy go-to meals. I have been going online and finding some new ideas. I cannot go to the grocery store though…I am sending Rich there. I know there is a lot of foods which are not making it to the shelves. It is frustrating that I cannot see what he can see as I have always done the grocery shopping for the nearly 29 years we have been married. I can usually figure out a way to substitute one ingredient for another or morph a recipe in a different direction when I can be in the grocery store myself. I had to do that a lot when we lived in Norway and could not get the ingredients I was used to. I had a creamy enchilada recipe which had 7 ingredients in it. Four of them had to be substituted while we lived in Norway. When we moved back to the U.S. and had the real ingredients from the original recipe, the kids didn’t like it….so I had to go back to the “Norwegian creamy enchilada recipe.” I really miss grocery shopping. I have always loved to cook and to bake. I am getting a lot of my cupboard and freezer cleaned out. That is always a good thing. So the search continues for the next best recipe for the Messina family.

So the last thing I want to mention is school. Lily is winding down her freshman year (yay!) and will probably have fewer assignments over the last two weeks. She was in an art class this past semester and had to have half of it rewritten by her art teacher because they couldn’t assign the different mediums needed for the regular assignments. Lily has always been very artistic and I felt bad for her having to be left to doing reports and random drawings. She contacted her counselor and signed up for a year long art class for next year. This additional class really added to her course load, especially in the fall. She surprised me by asking to take Personal Finance during the summer. The class will be 3.5 weeks long and online for 3 hours a day. This will lighten her load this fall and keep her in a learning mode this summer. She is also taking several cooking classes through Metropolitan Community College this summer as well. Lily is signed up for driver’s ed class at the end of the month, but she hasn’t been able to get her driver’s permit because the DMV has been closed for a couple months now. I don’t know what is going to happen with that at this point. Tim is starting his master’s program on Monday. He is taking an accelerated online program so he can graduate in a year. He is pretty excited and I am excited for him. Joe is finishing up his EMT class and has 3 firefighter exams in the next few weeks on top of the myriad of other exams he has taken. He has applied to several different metro KC fire departments. I am so hopeful he will find a place to work that he enjoys. I am not doing anything as exciting. I have taken up Duolingo again and am brushing up on my Spanish. I was dancing to Latin music today as I was cooking….ah, the best. Rich is going to a class all day tomorrow to get his Concealed Carry Gun permit. So we are all learning in our isolation!

Well I spent the entire morning at the cancer center at Bergan Mercy today. I did the normal routine of getting my vitals read, having a barrage of questions asked of me (What is your pain level? Any nausea or vomiting? Any shortness of breath? Pooping and peeing okay? Any constipation or diarrhea? Any rashes? Any numbness and tingling anywhere? Any falls or balance issues? Any swelling?), then they access my port and flush it, draw blood to fill two tubes for blood counts, and then flush it again and leave an 8 inch tubing attached to my port that is held down by a thin, clear bandage about 5″x6″. The blood is sent off and I cannot get my chemo until the blood results are back and have been reviewed by the doctor. During pre-COVID-19 times, it would take up to an hour to get the results back because they are so busy. However, the hospital is practically a ghost town right now, and I got the first part of my results back in 10 minutes this morning. Everything came back looking good. I then see a resident (because Bergan Mercy is CHI Health….and teamed up with Creighton University). I get a new resident every time because they rotate every 4 weeks. Sigh. So I have to tell my history to the resident, who then recites it to the doctor in front of me and then gets quizzed. I sometimes feel for those residents getting grilled. Sometimes I don’t. It depends on how their bedside manner was with me during their interview with me. Some of them see me as a patient…some see me as a diagnosis and not a person. I am not a pathology report. Rich has gotten a kick out of me calling some of them out on their bad behavior early on, Some of you may not know this about me, but I was a registered nurse in the Air Force a million years ago. I was stationed at Scott AFB, Illinois, which was a teaching hospital for family practice doctors. I have dealt A LOT with interns and residents. I hesitate to tell you what procedures I have talked a “baby” doctor (that is what we called them because they are dr.’s but don’t know what they are doing yet) through on the labor and delivery unit. Really. It would scare you. Then I am sent with a my orders and patient stickers up to the first floor to go to the infusion section of the cancer center (my oncologist is in the basement – kindly called the “lower level” by the soothing female robotic voice in the elevator). I am greeted by a nurse and I sit in a reclining chair and get the show on the road.

If you ever have to go through this craziness…or know someone who does, especially for women, it is helpful to have button down shirts. I didn’t really have any until I started chemo. It is much easier and more modest when accessing your port to be able to just unbutton a few buttons. Granted, just like during childbirth, modesty really just goes out the window. But access is key and it is easier with shirts with buttons up top. So I didn’t really understand what a port was until I was in the holding area to get mine placed and a wonderful nurse did some patient teaching with me while I was waiting to go back to surgery. I thought I would share this info with you. My port is in the upper right side of my chest. It really should have been a few inches higher but let’s just say I am of German descent and somewhat busty…and gravity took it’s sweet way with me when I was upright versus laying flat on a table having it inserted. Ah well. I don’t know any different, so I live with what I have. The port is about the size of a quarter or a coca cola bottle top. It has three raised dots within the circle that are shaped in a triangle. The port is maybe 5/8″ thick. Mine is a dark blue or black. Rich asked me the other day why it looked bruised because it had been 3 weeks since it had been accessed. It is really close to the skin and with my lily-white skin on my chest, the coloring shows right through my skin. You can even see the three little bumps on the port. The port has a long tube (catheter) connected to it that goes over my right collar bone (all of this is under the skin) and then enters one of my main blood vessels on the right side of my heart (superior vena cava). The catheter sits right at the edge of going into my heart. When I had my port placed I was consciously sedated. I had a lot of drugs on board, but I was awake. It was not done in an operating room but in a radiology suite. A radiologist did the surgery. The hardest part was laying on a very narrow, hard table. You literally don’t have anywhere to put your arms. The procedure needed to be done there so they could scan me and make sure everything was straight and placed where it belonged. I have two incisions: a two inch incision on my chest right above my port site, and then another 1.5″ incision on the right side of the base of my neck where it meets my shoulder. The incision on my neck was the one that bothered me the most. Luckily I had a good friend who had had the same outpatient procedure the week prior and was able to tell me to have an ice pack and Tylenol ready. It was a life saver! So I am a visual person…the port reminds me so much of Thanksgiving turkey prep….where you take slices of butter sticks and tuck them just under the skin of the turkey before you cook it to keep it moist… yep, that is what I am. A big turkey. {smile} The port looks like the butter pats but is round. Anyhow, when they access the port, they have a needle which goes in the middle of the triangle of dots. They stick the needle in perpendicular to the port and have to press pretty hard as the plastic holds the needle in place while they then secure the tubing attached to the needle and the needle with the large sticky clear bandage. (then I can button up my shirt and have the tubing peaking out through a space between buttons. They then flush the port with saline to make sure there are no blockages in the tubing outside or inside my body and then draw the two tubes of blood. Then it is flushed again. When I go up to the infusion center, they flush it AGAIN, push some meds slowly through the tubing that is supposed to stave off the nausea for the next 48-72 hours, and they I have two bags of fluids hung. One of them is just plain saline that the line will change over to automatically when the medication is done. Each oncology infusion nurse has several patients plus charting to do, so they may not get to me in time for the medication bag to be done. We don’t need air in the tubing since it goes right into my heart! The oncology pharmacists don’t mix our chemo meds until we are cleared by the doctor and are in the infusion center, so sometimes we have to wait for our mixologists. I get a small bag of meds IV that are steroids. It helps with the nausea for the first 72 hours as well. As Doxil has a lot of nausea involved with it, I also take pretty hefty doses of oral steroids for the next three days at home. My Doxil looks like Hawai’an Punch. That is what my favorite oncology nurse and I decided today. It takes an hour in go in. I got a bit of a surprise today and also got Zometa via IV. It will only be given every 3 months and is a 35 minute IV drip. It has some icky side effects but usually it only happens the first time you take it and only in the 24 hours afterwards. I may be lucky….fingers crossed. Otherwise, I may be spending the day in bed tomorrow. We shall see. The medication is supposed to help move my calcium in my bloodstream to my bones and form a kind of ‘cement’ around my bones to help prevent further damage to my L2 vertebrae that has a metastasis in it – so it won’t further deteriorate the bone structure and hopefully prevent other bone mets. I asked the doctor if I should take calcium and he said that was a good idea along with vitamin D3 (it helps with absorption of the calcium). I ordered it from Amazon.com from the waiting room. It will be at my house on Saturday. So when all the meds are done, they flush my port again with saline….then flush it again with heparin. Then in the big infusion bay (although not too crowded today), I unbutton the top of my shirt and the nurse carefully pulls off the thin, sticky, clear bandage on the top portion of my right breast. This is no easy feat with surgical gloves on, let me tell you, as it is about 5″ x 6″! Then she uses one hand to stabilize my port, as it is 3D on my chest…it pops out (again, envision butter pats under turkey skin), and pulls the needle out. A bandaid goes on over the port that I leave on for the rest of the day and then I go home. Done!

I don’t know if I have ever mentioned it, by the majority of Bergan Mercy hospital looks out over two of Omaha’s largest cemeteries. It is kind of depressing to look out the windows and look at cemeteries. I was actually going to take pictures of it today to show you, but the bare trees in the grass along the parking lot of the hospital had all filled in with beautiful blossoms and they really caught my eye more today and almost blocked my view of all the head stones. They were beautiful and their petals were cascading down with the breeze. It was really pretty. Visitors are still not allowed to come in but the nurses are great. It seems like the patient load is lower, but that may be because I am coming on a different day now. When I was on Gem/Tax, I went on Tuesdays…but that was pre- COVID-19. Now I go once a month on Thursdays. My favorite nurse has a daughter the same age as Lily. We lament over extended learning and teenage daughters. She stood and talked to me for awhile today, both of use wearing masks….it really forces you to look into people’s eyes. You can’t see much of anything else. The infusion was the easy part. Now I have to make it through this next week. Then hopefully I will be feeling better like last time. Fingers crossed.

Last but never least….my ‘thankfulness thoughts’ for those people in my life who are being disciples to me. I feel I need to mention you because I don’t want you to think you haven’t touched me in a special way. I want you to know how much I appreciate you reaching out to me. I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my Godmother, Maile Doyle, this week. I got a super cute keychain from a dear friend, Kelly O’Donnell, of our Blessed Mother and St. Elizabeth. I received a GORGEOUS prayer lap quilt from someone I think I could easily be very close friends with….Paula Buck. She and I talked for quite awhile in my driveway (at least 6 feet away) about all sorts of things yesterday. Paula is an AVID sports fan and I love picking her brain because I think she very much has a brain like my Tim’s….that can remember lots of stats and names, etc. It is impressive. I can remember birthday and anniversary dates. That’s my super talent. Stats, not so much. My sister sent me some cute masks for Rich, Lily, and me. In the same package is a crocheted panda hat with a matching crocheted panda mask. It is hot…but adorable! (Tallinn was not impressed.) My brother, Craig, has made me laugh a lot over the last week as I received a Christmas card (with letter and photos) and a birthday card from him. As they were months late, it made me laugh. I have received cards from all over the country this week. I have a friend that is also battling cancer in Houston (we met in Norway 13 years ago). Fiona sent me some lozenges for nausea and some chapstick. We check up on each other every other day or so and she has quickly become a soul sister. It really means a lot to me to be able to connect with others who know intimately what I am going through. This goes for Todd Bancor and Kathy Trudell here in Omaha, as well. Blessings…all three of them. I want to mention someone I haven’t before…Kathy Martz. I often say you never know who will stay in touch with you when you move away…leave a job, etc. I am always surprised that it isn’t the people you think it will be. I worked with a bunch of really great people when I worked at Bellevue Public Schools in Bellevue, Nebraska when we first moved to Nebraska from Norway. I met Kathy Martz when I worked at Fort Crook Elementary School as the school secretary. She was the BPS school mail courier. She would travel in a BPS white van filled with boxes and what we call in the military “holey joes”…those larger manila envelopes with lines on the outside and red twine that twist around circles (the size of ports!) that hold them closed. They have holes all through the envelops so you can kinda see what is inside. Kathy traveled between all the schools in Bellevue exchanging the mail between buildings. She is a St. Louis cardinals fan and a Patriots fan. I saw her for 5 minutes or less each work day for the 2 years I worked there before she retired. We just hit it off and have stayed in touch. She has sent me several cards with dogs on them that just make me smile. What a kind gesture. I so appreciate it! I also recieved a letter from a dear friend (also from Ft. Crook days), Lois Dalton. She was a 5th grade teacher there and I just loved her. She made me laugh everyday and I have learned al lot about my Catholic faith from her. Love you, Lois! I have tons of people contacting me over FB chat and texting me. Thank you. It is easy to feel forgotten when you have to go through this journey on your own due to the pandemic. I have often felt that I am “out of sight, out of mind” to a lot of people I thought I was close with. But I realize this is hard on all of us and we all handle what is going on in our world in our own way. I truly appreciate those who have reached out to me. I stood in the waiting room all alone this morning…there weren’t even any other patients there…and looked at my phone and had several texts and messages wishing me luck today. I didn’t feel so alone. It is nice to have an army at your back as you head into battle. Thank you all so much!

Well, I hadn’t planned to write a novella today, but I guess I needed to. If you are still with me at the end of this diatribe, I thank you for sticking with me! Tallinn is literally laying on my feet because it is our snuggle time…plus he sticks to my side a bit more after I have just had chemo. (It may also have to do that he was caught getting in the trash and knows he is in a spot of trouble!) I was able to go on a 3.5 mile walk with the family tonight, so that was nice. I have been averaging 5-8 miles the last two weeks, as the weather permits (and it has been gorgeous). My doctor gave me an emphatic “NO!” to me going back to Mass this Sunday, as my Church is opening up again. It may be awhile before I can get back. I am cleared to walk the dog and that is it. Sigh. At least I have that. I love getting out into the fresh air. I hope wherever you are, you are enjoying the same! Below are pictures of the window art in the cancer center waiting room. I loved the message! The last one is of me in the infusion chair. Stay safe and God’s blessings on all of you!

Wow, have we had gorgeous weather here in Nebraska over the last week. I decided that this week, now that the mornings are no longer frigid, that I would walk Tallinn in the morning and the evening. I have done this all week…although last night I was wearing a rain coat and I have to admit we all came home a little damp. I have been getting up earlier and heading out for a walk before the sun is truly beating down in earnest, since I am supposed to avoid the sun. It is quiet in the neighborhood at that time…and it really isn’t even early – around 8:30 a.m.. However, I think that with so many people staying at home and working from home, they are sleeping in a bit. If it is just Tallinn and me, I will put on head phones and listen to an audiobook. If Rich joins me, we talk and listen to all the birds. We have a quite a few bluejays and cardinals in our neighborhood, and their calls are very distinctive. We also come across several woodpeckers and owls. Squirrels and rabbits are also abundant in our neighborhood, but Tallinn is more interested in birds for some reason. He has learned where all the dogs live who love to bark ferociously at him in the evening, and his disappointment is apparent when we walk by the fence and no one is out to greet him. Tallinn enjoys “watering” the flowers that line the street. We have managed to average about 2.5 miles per walk, so I have hit 27.5 miles so far this week. Not too shabby for a Stage IV cancer patient!

A lot of you probably don’t know this, but our family are huge mixed martial arts fans. Tim and I are probably the most avid fans out of the 6 of us, but we are all pretty well versed in the mixed martial arts fighting scene. My birthday was February 15th and Rich’s gift to me was 2nd row tickets to the UFC fight night that would have been tonight in Lincoln. I have never been to a live event even though I have been in Las Vegas the last 5 years when they have had big fights going on. Every time they have a fight night, Tim and I are either together watching or texting each other as the fights progress. Tim will be moving to Ft. Collins, CO in less than 6 weeks, and I will miss listening to his commentary during the fights when we are able to be together. He is a walking encyclopedia of mixed martial arts information. Rich splurged and we had second row seats for tonight’s event. Obviously, it has been cancelled. I was so worried that I wouldn’t feel well enough to go…and I do feel well enough to go…and it is not happening. Sigh. The Lord is trying to teach me patience, I think. If so, He is definitely giving me plenty of opportunities to learn!

I live in one of the 9 states that never went on lockdown officially. The folks here have been living for the most part in social isolation. Schools closed for the year in mid-March. The restaurants’ dining areas are closed, as are most businesses and all gyms, barbershops, and churches. Even though our state isn’t in mandatory lockdown, we are basically living it. The governor opened the state parks today and starting May 4th, churches will be reopened and funerals and weddings can now take place. I have so missed going to Mass…seeing my friends, and praying and singing together with them. Our parish has pictures of our families taped to the pews. I hope that helps the priests, who are preaching to an empty sanctuary. I can’t imagine how hard that has been for them. I can’t wait to go back! How that will look is yet to be communicated, but it will be with physical distancing. This gives me some promise for my oldest son’s wedding that will take place in Kansas City on September 12th. Rich’s store, Play It Again Sports, here in Omaha, has had reduced hours but has been blessed to remain open during this whole time. His business is considered essential as the gyms are closed, so people can get workout equipment to workout at home. We have a skeleton crew and have decreased the days we are open and the hours. This is usually our busiest time of year….as baseball and softball are our biggest categories. Not so this year. Maybe part of the season during the summer can be salvaged. We shall see.

People who have been blessings to me….thank you everyone for the cards throughout this week and for the texts that let me know that although we are apart, I am not forgotten. Thank you especially, Erika Campbell, for allowing me to lean on you about extended learning issues with Lily. Sigh. Just a few more weeks until she is done. Also a special thank you to my Godmother, Maile Doyle, for the beautiful floral arrangement. They are so pretty! Our priest’s homily tonight mentioned that we need to be aware of God around us in others. I am so very fortunate to have so many wonderful people who care for me and let me know they are praying for me or thinking about me. I am so blessed!

I know it has been a hot minute since I have been on this blog…but not for any bad reasons at all! Holy Week…was that….Holy. Lily was on spring break and we spent some time relaxing and just having fun. The weather was warm…so slouch hats got too warm and I switched to baseball caps. I have always loved baseball caps but it never looked real good with short hair. Well, fuzzy bald works just fine! I have a tiny head so that is also an issue. I have my new favorite hat for warm weather….my green Boston Red Sox hat with a red B on the front and a red clover on the back. Speaking of fuzzy….my hair continues to grow in for now. It is dark brown and sticks straight up on the right side, no matter what I do to it as it dries. It is actually warm enough and my head is fuzzy enough that I don’t have to wear a cap to bed. Again…a step back to normalcy. For those of you who aren’t living in Nebraska, we did get 8.5 inches of snow on Thursday. It was the most beautiful snow…no wind and it was relatively warm so the flakes were HUGE. I love snow, so it was a nice last HURRAH for the winter. Rich took me out to just drive around and look at the beautiful trees. The next day the snow was gone. We also delivered some pans to wonderful people who have brought by goodies. Thanks to Kathy Trudell for the Easter basket, Judi & Dennis Koubsky for some of the best chicken parmigiana I have ever had, LuAnn Anglo for pastries, and Emily Ryan for the Easter pastries and basket of ramen noodles for Lily. You are all blessings to us and we appreciate you!

I have been keeping up with the housework and laundry as well as cooking most nights. So I am really feeling pretty good. I am going for a walk with Tallinn and either Lily or Rich or both each evening. It will be warm enough in the mornings for me to start walking him in the morning as well, so I am sure Tallinn will enjoy that. I know I enjoy getting out of the house. I have been working on a couple of scrapbooks over the last couple of weeks. I finished school year scrapbooks for each of my boys, and created Lily’s up to her freshman year. These are the old-fashioned ones with printed photos. I have a couple left to do and then I am done. I have started one with my Okinawan Shorinryu karate experience. Looking back on those memories of earning a black belt under a Grandmaster, Hanshi Fuse Kise, in Okinawa, I can’t believe what an honor it was to train under him. He is still living and is in his mid-80’s and still teaching. Once I was a black belt, I also trained at the So Honbo Dojo (the home dojo) off-base in Okinawa. That place had smooth wood floors seasoned with decades of sweat, blood, and tears of students – Okinawan and American. Only Japanese was spoke there and there was a strict rule of etiquette in place for all who entered. There was this big Marine that trained with me and we were working with Kamas. Most of us put clear packing tape along the blades for safety. He did not. (I mean, he was a Marine after all!) He was standing in front of me while we were practicing advanced kama katas. He brought his kama under his right armpit and sliced his gi top and cut himself….and kept on going. The only witnesses being the late night black belt class and the geckos on the ceiling. One of my favorite memories is of the American and Okinawan student families getting together for a potluck at the So Honbu Dojo. We were all sitting cross-legged on tatami mats on the floor and the Americans forgot to bring any plastic eating utensils. It is the one and only time I ate lasagna with chopsticks. It was not easy! Those lasagna noodles were wicked slippery! Anyhow, making this scrapbook has brought back a lot of good memories of our time in Okinawa. What a privilege to have lived there!

Other things I have been doing….baking. I love to bake and always have. I like to crank up the 80’s music and sing my heart out and dance a little while I am measuring ingredients. I have discovered that while I can lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence, I can still belt out the lyrics to songs from 30 years ago. Thanks to Alexa, I have also realized I have been singing the words wrong to a lot of them. Yes…that is humbling to know that you have had the wrong lyrics in your head for decades. I also realized that I still can’t sing the fast part of the song “Supersonic” from the 80’s even when Alexa prints them out on the screen for me. I remember some of my friends from high school being able to belt that out at the time. I was in awe then. Doubly in awe now.

I have been getting special surprises in the mail lately! From my Aunt Judy and Uncle Dick in Michigan, I got an RN challenge coin. Challenge coins are big in the military and during my time in the military and then later as a military wife and volunteer, I have earned a few from military commanders here and there. This one was one for RN’s. I haven’t worked as an RN in a very long time, but it is my roots and a foundation in education I will never forget. I also got a package from a friend, trainer, and owner of the kickboxing gym I worked out at for the last two years, Amber Crawford. She sent me my guilty pleasure – dark chocolate and natural peanut butter. She also sent me a plaque that she had made of a boxing glove with the saying on it “Knock down seven times, get up eight”. This lady is such an inspiration in so many ways, so to know she is thinking of me during her busy life, means a lot to me. Yesterday I received a poster with part of the lyrics from Mercy Me’s song, “Imagine”. One of my favorite songs. It was signed by the band members! I have no idea who sent it to me, and I would really like to thank them. It is such a wonderful gift. I ordered a frame for it and should be able to frame it and hang it up this week! Such a thoughtful gift! Thank you! I continue to receive cards and letters from friends near and far. Thank you. They make my day!

To let you know how good I am feeling, today I went on two family walks with Tallinn, Lily, and Rich, and played pickle ball in the driveway for about an hour with Rich and Lily. Tallinn was tied to a tree nearby and was a hoot to watch because he really wanted that green whiffle ball badly. He actually caught it once in the air on a bad shot from one of us. So I am doing well and just hanging out at home. I sure do miss human interaction, but I am guessing we all do. Blessings to everyone and a Happy Easter Season!