Mother’s Day weekend we went to Branson, Missouri. This was a trip we had planned with Joe and Michelle months ago. We still went…taking Lily with us, and Rich was kind enough to fly Tim in to be with us for the weekend as well. Branson is like Wisconsin Dells….very commercialized and probably good to see about once every 20 years. None of us had been there before. I looked up a lot of places prior to going and we spent most of our time outdoors. Most of what we did see was wonderful. The weather was spectacular. I guess they had been getting lots of rain the weeks prior and most places were flooded. I did take a lot of photos, so I have broken up our trip into sections so it isn’t so overwhelming.

We left Friday morning and drove to Kansas City to see Michelle. She was invited to come with us but wasn’t quite up for the trip, which is understandable. Friday night we walked around Table Rock Lake. It was truly flooded, as you will see. The sunset was pretty on the lake and we got to see a water moccasin. (Not my highlight….I am not a snake person.) Here are some of our views.

I needed some camera time yesterday and since it was a cold, dreary day, the Henry Doorly Zoo was my first choice. I hit the jackpot. There were school groups at the zoo, but there were on their way out. I headed toward the African Grasslands area first to look at the baby elephants. They were outside with their moms and learning how to roll in the mud (now that we have finally had some measurable rain!). A mom elephant was rolling in the mud and flinging mud with her trunk at the two babies, Sonny and Eugenia. The calves were born in January and are now weighing around 325 lbs. Sonny is younger by a couple of weeks but he already is bigger and weighs more. He is a momma’s boy and is always getting into mischief. I could watch those calves all day. The babies eventually joined in the fun of getting covered in mud. They had a little issue getting out of the mud pit though, so mom’s trunk wrapped around their bums and helped them out. There were about 20 of us laughing and watching their antics for about 30 minutes. I was just laughing…and my face didn’t even break. It felt good. I also spent some time with the cheetahs and the lions. The cheetahs were once again on high alert because the Canadian geese were making a lot of noise near their enclosure and I am sure they were thinking about goose for dinner. The two male lions were out and lying next to one another. I also have a few photos of cardinals sprinkled through here…as I spotted one in my neighborhood on the way to the zoo and then one at the zoo, watching me photograph the animals. Anyhow, there are a lot of photos, but took my big girl lens today to get close ups. Enjoy!

No ranting this time, promise. I kinda hit a big funk. I think everyone decided to give us space to grieve….and it felt like we had been kind of forgotten. A few people realized this and came over to chat for awhile with me, which I loved. Nothing feels better than to be able to just talk about my family, especially about Joe. In the last week or so, I have been contacted by several of Joe’s friends. One had a son….and named him Julian Joseph. Another couple got married and in the collage of photos of relatives in Heaven who were missed by the couple on their special day….was a photo of my Joe. And then there was another set of friends who texted me as one of them got Joe’s OFD firefighter badge tattooed on his back…”so that he always knew that Joe had his back.” Those things really touch me. It is going to be a rough weekend and hearing stories about him from his friends and being able to talk about him helps. I did go to a different church this past weekend and it was wonderful. I knew the priest and one other person there. No one else knew Lily or me and we met a lot of very nice people. It was a gospel Catholic church and I loved it. I felt the Holy Spirit just moving through the Church and then in its members. Rich has been out of town for the last week to spend time in Florida with his parents. This weekend we were supposed to go on a trip with Michelle and Joe. The plans had been on our calendar for awhile. We asked Michelle if she wanted to still come, but that is a big ask…and I know it. She won’t be accompanying us but we’ll still be coming to see her on Friday….the 2 month anniversary of Joe’s death. I, again, can’t wait to just be able to put my arms around her and hold her close. So for those of you who felt that I had lost my mind in the last post…I haven’t, I just have a broken heart and that gets tiring to live with…trying to cope with the utter devastation alone. I have found that being able to just go and take photos is like therapy for me. I often feel like Joe is at my side, seeing the sights with me. Joe was such an avid supporter of my photography. He loved the fact that I saw beauty in naked, scraggly trees. He wanted me to get my photos out on instagram and get noticed. I was really looking forward to teaching him some basic photography. He wanted to get a nice camera and learn to use it before he and Michelle had kids. So going out and taking photos makes me feel like he is with me and it helps me a little bit.

Thursday morning of last week, I dropped Lily off at school and headed to Lincoln to the Sunken Gardens. In the early spring, the Sunken Gardens start off with loads of tulips. I love tulips. Last year they had a tons of candy cane tulips with white and red stripes. They were gorgeous. They never do anything the same though, so this year had a different color scheme. I found a section that was all white tulips….except for one tulip, which had a blood red half a petal. It was striking in the sea of white….and there is a message from God in there somewhere. I pointed it out to another photographer and it became the most photographed tulip out there. I drove around a bit and saw some interesting buildings I stopped to photograph. I got a few shots of the Nebraska capitol building and then an interesting church with beautiful trees covered in white blossoms. I followed a cardinal’s call into the white flowered trees in the courtyard and ended up on one of the benches, just having a chat with God under these beautiful trees as the breeze blew and showered me gently with the white petals. As I was leaving, I stopped to take one more photo of the building and I heard this chattering noise. There was a sassy little squirrel in a flowering tree about 10 feet in front of me. I talked to him, he chattered at me, and we had an impromptu photo shoot – and they are some of my favorite photos I have ever taken. They just make me smile. I then headed to Mahoney State Park and climbed the tower to take a few photos. Since it was right around the corner, I also went to the Wildlife Safari. It is a part of the Henry Doorly Zoo….but not anywhere near the zoo…in fact, it is about 30 minutes drive away. They have some eagles that cannot be released into the wild….some elk and buffalo herds…wolves and black bears. I spent the entire day out taking photos….and got back into town just in time to pick up Lily from school and get to my zumba class. That was our last sunny day before 5 days of rain (which we desperately need). So here is a big photo dump of some of the photos I took last Thursday on my “save my sanity day”.

There is no manual on grief for you. Oh, there are thousands of books and courses out there, but none are written for you or the absolute loss you feel for your loved one. Can you compare the grief losing a grandparent to losing a child? No. Can you compare the grief of losing a spouse to losing your best friend? No. But they are all cousins in grief….loosely related, yet none of them looking quite the same. Some people move through grief stages more quickly than others….some think they are processing their grief when they are in fact just keeping busy to avoid feeling that grief. That ton of bricks will fall at some point…and I can’t imagine the overwhelming feeling that person will have over something that seems marginally small to others, because they have held back their grief for so long that it has no where to go. Some people have faith in God and believe in an afterlife; others do not. Some families believe in showing their emotions and others feel that you should cry and rage in private. There are just so many variations to what surrounds grieving that it has to be obvious to anyone with half a brain that what works with some people won’t with others….and that it all changes over time. For those of you who have not really had to deal with the loss of someone close to you, I sincerely congratulate you. You are living a blessed life. However, none of us are immune to this. When people say they can’t imagine what you are going through (and I would be a rich person if I had a dime for every time someone said that to me), I am going to share.

I have been through the grieving process before….and I didn’t much like it. It was, however, for myself and the life I thought I would live. When I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer in Nov 2019, I was devastated. Devastated that I wouldn’t live to see my kids get married, Lily to graduate from high school, to see grandkids….to grow old with Rich and continue our many adventures. I went into a very dark, bad place for about 6 months. Of course COVID hit close after my diagnosis and there were no avenues for help for me for quite awhile. I eventually met a group of chronic cancer survivors online and with zoom meetings every twice a month, we bonded pretty quickly. It was really the only place I felt comfortable talking about everything, because they were in the same place, albeit I am younger than a lot of them. That group, finding a passion I could pursue on my own in the face of COVID (photography – I took several online classes over the last two years), and holding fast to my faith was what helped me accept my own early mortality and decide to live my life to the fullest. I was really at a good point, all things considering.

Nothing could have prepared me for how hard Joe’s loss has been. Devastated just seems too light a term. Panic and disbelief were the main feelings that first day. Honestly, those feelings still rear their ugly heads a few times a day now….7 weeks later. I can’t thank enough the people who came and sat with Lily and me that first day. I was a wreck. People got the word out so I didn’t have to keep repeating it over and over again. Lots of people show up in the beginning….when you are in survival mode and just can’t function. Then a kind of fog sets in….it is like the mind protecting itself from so much distress. You can function…you just don’t feel much more than the grief, covering you like a blanket, everywhere you go. It almost hurts to smile. You want to be present for others, but you just can only literally be present…like a lump of clay beside another person. You want to take in what others are saying but your mind won’t stay focused. It wants to go back to thinking about your loved one. See…just typing that right there….I totally can’t believe my Joe is gone and tears are flowing. Weird things cause triggers of pain and grief. I cannot listen to certain kinds of music. If any song played at Joe’s Celebration of Life is playing, I am pretty much paralyzed. I know this happens to Rich as well. If a song comes on in the store, he has to go back into his office to compose himself. There are good triggers though too, where something will make me think of something Joe always did or some memory from his childhood and it will make me smile a sad smile – to cherish a grateful memory. I think those triggers will always be there…good and bad, but perhaps won’t be so sharp to my soul.

I think I am getting to the point where the protective fog is lifting. I am seeing more…ingesting more of what I hear and feeling more. That last part -feeling more, is the hard part. It has now been 7 weeks and a day since Joe left his earthly body. I am bereft without him. I texted all the time and talked to him probably 4-5 times a week….and I miss him. I miss his voice…his laugh…his crazy conversational topics. I feel like a good part of my heart died with him. HOWEVER, I don’t have the luxury of focusing on myself and my own grief. I have a 17 year old daughter at home who I have to be present for because she has already been through enough. I have a 25 year old son in California who probably wouldn’t admit to needing his mom, but I need him. I have a husband who needs a wife and someone to care for his home and do the bookkeeping for his businesses. I have a wonderful but heart-broken daughter-in-law, whom I love very much and want to support in anyway I can to help her survive the pain she is in. So I keep going. That has always been my way. Soldier through. This is way different though. I am trapped in molasses, mired in self-doubt and crippled by grief. So all of you who keep commenting on how strong I am…I appreciate it, but stop. I am nothing near strong right now, and I won’t be for awhile. I don’t want to be strong and I shouldn’t have to be. This isn’t an Olympic event…this is grieving for the loss of my child. Along with that fog being lifted, trivial things are in neon lights. Life is too short. It isn’t worth it. I just want to shout that to anyone who will listen. Everyone thinks that enough time has gone by that I should be starting to get over this…that I don’t need friends. In fact, many have scattered and I think the level of my grief has scared them away. Yesterday was the first Sunday that I didn’t cry through Mass. Sundays are hard for me. Joe died while I was in Church. No one really comes up to us anymore at Mass…they just give us those looks of sympathy as we shuffle out the door. I am actually planning on attending a different church next week to see if it eases my heart a bit….where the parishioners don’t know anything about me. As I mentioned, the fog is lifting and I am feeling more. So I am hurting more. That protective survival mode is leaving and the pain of my new normal is starting. And I hate it. I am not mad a Joe for leaving us or for God for taking him. I am mad about not having more time with him. I find myself a bit more sharp-tempered about things and perhaps a little more blunt with my answers. I am sure this will ease, so please give me grace. I have gone through a lot of hurting in the last couple of years and I know I have a long way to go to help heal the scars of losing Joe. I used to tell my boys when they played rugby and other sports and ended up with stitches, that scars are awesome. That way the world has known that you have lived. Joe left a HUGE scar on my heart….once the pieces are picked up and contained again. Do I think that the love you have for your lost loved one is directly proportional to the amount of grief you feel? Maybe. I do know that Joe wouldn’t like to see me or his wife as upset as we are over him. He knew that we loved him….but my brain just can’t seem to process that very well. I talk to Joe. I spend a lot of time alone…probably 90% of my time is alone (with Tallinn). So I talk to him out loud. I write letters to him. Some days are better than others. So for those of you out there who haven’t heard from me….please give me grace. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to reach out and sign up for more of the cancer classes that are offered that meet in person. I signed up for my first in-person photography class this weekend in over 3 years for me. Rich and I are getting some travel organized for this summer and fall. Our lives aren’t stopping even though it feels like our hearts did.

I got to go to the cancer center today for my 2 inch needle injection of hormone-fighting slurry today. Band-aid #1. Then I got my chest port flushed. Band-aid and poke #2. This afternoon I went to the grocery store and got my 4th COVID vaccine. Poke and band-aid #3. I went with Moderna this time. I get so sick with the Pfizer vaccines that I have had…at least for #2 and #3. I had had chemo the morning of vaccine #1 and had large doses of steroids floating through me. So we shall see. I have cleared my schedule the next two days if I have to be in bed with a fever and aches and pains like before. I am being hopeful though.

I managed to go to my church office and get 15 memorial Masses scheduled for Joe. There are so many wonderful friends who have donated for that cause…and some from around the world…having Masses celebrated in his honor and lighting candles for him in churches around the world. How can I not think our Joe is standing near our Lord and Savior with so many people praying for him? I also mailed several packages with t-shirts in them. So they are on their way if I picked yours up. I mailed 11 packages…dropped one off at a local house and have one to give in person on Monday. Whew. That was a good job done. Thanks for all who ordered the memorial shirts for Joe. They came out great and I love seeing his smile on the shirts. It is probably good the photo of him is on the back or I would be distracted and looking down at my front the whole time. Rich planted the tree were given for Joe this afternoon. We have had it for nearly 6 weeks but had to wait until it rained a bit and also warmed up a bit to put it in the ground in our backyard. There were some tears…okay, a lot of tears as we looked at it this afternoon. When Joe was born, we planted a willow tree in our front yard in Bellevue, Illinois. So it was kind of a full circle moment. This plant was gifted to us by a group of people I was student athletic trainers with back at Hayfield High School in Alexandria, VA. This would have been my 9th and 10th grade year, as I moved right after that. That these friends from the mid-80’s would gather together and get this tree to us in memory of Joe, was so touching. Even God cried as the skies opened up soon afterward and it rained big time for the first time in a long time. This tree looks small compared to the others, but those are 40 foot trees…so this one isn’t as small as it seems.

Lily has been channeling her inner Joe lately. She bought a pair of winter crocs (Joe swore by them…and loved his) and has been wearing them to school. (She is obviously not a fashionista) She also has been wearing her gold snake earrings. Joe used to have a white corn snake named Cora. She misses him, as we do. She and Joe had a special relationship. He was really into taking care of her and her future and her safety recently…getting her a mace keychain for her birthday and a book on personal finances. Joe was never afraid to talk to her about the hard stuff, which I think she appreciated about him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t get the same reception from Lily when it comes from her parents. (insert smiley face here)

I also included a photo of the beautiful Easter door our friends LuAnn and Jeff painted for us while we were away in KC. It lightens my heart a bit every time I see it. Thank you!

Before I left for Texas, I spent a day just walking around the zoo taking photos. It was cold and rainy and miserable. I didn’t have the zoo to myself, but the weather did scare a lot of folks away, which was great. When I entered the zoo, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that everyone was being allowed into the elephant house now. We have two baby elephants at our Omaha zoo, and visits have been strictly monitored and restricted. I could go in there and spent 15 minutes falling in love with Sonny and Eugenia. Next spring there will be another baby elephant born. I gave a donation in Joe’s name to support these baby elephants and Lily got a stuffed elephant in the mail from the zoo that was addressed to her from Joe. She sleeps with it. Joe loved animals and loved our zoo here in Omaha. So I spent several hours walking around taking photos of several different animals and sea life. I am sharing some of these photos with you. Last photo dump of the night…promise!

So in Texas, it is a tradition with most families to take photos of their kids in the bluebonnets each spring….or maybe their dog…or horse…or maybe the whole family. I saw a lot of that while I was down there. There is certain bluebonnet etiquette you should follow…including to not trample on them or pick them. They aren’t easy to grow and like to grow wild. You can plant a hundred seeds in your own yard and may or may not get 5-6 plants over the next couple of years. The fields that have been developed have done so over many years. Their blooms last about 2 weeks. I was ever so lucky to have hit a late season this year as they can start as early as late February. The dry winter helped me manage to hit the peak season in mid-April. They are already starting to fade. Since I was the one with the camera and travelling alone, I didn’t get a picture of ME in the bluebonnets. So on my way home, in Ennis, TX (the home of the Bluebonnet festival), I asked a random stranger to take my photo on my phone in the field of bluebonnets. This woman was near my age and she saw my necklace (a firefighter’s badge) and immediately asked me if I was married to a fireman…my eyes misted over immediately as I looked up at her and told her it was in honor of my son, Joe, who had died 5 weeks prior. As I looked into her face, trying to control my emotions, I noticed she was also wearing a necklace with a badge on it…that of a policeman. Her husband is a policeman. She took a couple of photos of me and then as I stood up, she asked if she could hug me. She did and the dams were let loose and here I was in Ennis, TX, sobbing in this woman’s arms. She explained that she had lost a daughter at birth 30 years ago and her heart still hurt over it. She said she couldn’t imagine having a child for 27 years and then having them ripped away from you. She then stood there with me, in the middle of the bluebonnet field with her arm around my shoulders, and prayed aloud for me and for Joe and our family. It was such a wonderful experience. Sometimes you meet angels in the guise of a stranger…in a bluebonnet field in Ennis, TX.

I am a sucker for anything that catches my eye when I am alone in the car with a camera on a road trip. It is a two-day drive from Houston to Omaha, and I spent the best of it finding things to take photos of. I took photos of all sorts of animals in bluebonnet fields…Texas Longhorn cattle, some weird water buffalo-looking cattle, cattle-cattle, two random llamas, horses, swans, and an egret/crane (I honestly don’t know the difference). What I didn’t see was any snakes (and I looked hard because they are evidently all over those bluebonnet fields). Yikes. I don’t do snakes. Pig skulls yes…snakes – that’s a hard pass. Joe once owned a white corn snake named Cora. I wouldn’t go into his house in Warrensburg, MO when he had her out. Yep. Would rather sweat in the humid, hot sun of Missouri in the summer than be inside with a snake draped around Lily’s neck. Nope, nope, nope. I was told over and over again to watch for snakes (especially rattlers) and red ants. Found the red ant hills. Avoided those. I don’t think I got any photos in Oklahoma this time. I hit the jackpot in Kansas though. I stayed in Wichita, KS in a hotel and was on my way home on the highway when I had the strong urge to pull over on the highway and check and see if there were any highland cattle farms nearby. This is also a bucket list of mine…to be able to take photos of highland cattle. I had looked in a few states but not found any place close. Well, I was 45 minutes (in the wrong direction of course) from a Highland Cattle farm. I drove there, knocked on their door and asked if I could walk their farm fence and take photos. They were very happy to let me. They even said I could go into the pasture if I wanted to. She assured me they wouldn’t charge and gore me. Well, that hadn’t even crossed my mind until she mentioned it! Anyhow, it wasn’t necessary because I got lots of good shots from the electric fence…and managed to not get too distracted and touch it. So here is another big photo dump…but these are mostly of animals and they are cute!

I spent a few days with my parents in the last week…celebrating my mom’s birthday and attending my first ever NBA game to watch the Atlanta Hawks destroy the Houston Rockets during the last game of the regular season with my brother, Craig, and his family. Unexpected surprise was that Hakeem Olajuwon was in the house. That made the Rockets’ loss a bit more palatable. I took my time getting to my parents’ house driving down there from Omaha. I took the road less travelled and hit several country gravel roads because they just looked inviting off the highway. I usually have pretty good luck on these roads. I can go as fast or as slow as I like and take my time looking around and stopping for photos. These off-the-highway excursions didn’t disappoint. I even found an intact animal skull amongst the blue bonnets on the side of a country road that I put in a gallon zip lock bag and brought home to Lily. Yep…no hair bows for that girl….an animal skull is more her cup of tea. Her high school science teacher helped her figure out that it was a pig skull and he thought it was “quite a find!”. At least someone thinks I am cool. I showed it to my nephew, Alex, and he was not as impressed. He couldn’t believe I touched it, let alone picked it up to bring it back with me. Lily and Rich have been soaking and cleaning it so Lily can do something with it…yet to be decided. One of the days I was in Houston, I packed up my mom and dad into my car and took them on an outing to go find some Texas wildflowers. Bluebonnets were on my bucket list to photograph, and they bloomed really late this year, so I was able to get them at their peak. There were also fields of Indian Paintbrush (orange flowers), coreopsis (the yellow flowers – also called tickseed), and a pretty light pink flower called evening primrose. I also found a beautiful bunch of lavender wisteria. That was gorgeous and smelled so good…but attracted a lot of bees! My parents had only really seen the bluebonnets on the side of the road in patches over the last 8 years of them living in Texas. I did some research on good places to go and we found huge fields full of flowers. It was a nice drive and beautiful scenery. Another photo bucket list item checked off! So my next few posts will all be photo dumps mainly….so be patient with me.

I got home late Friday afternoon….just in time to unpack and head to Good Friday services with Lily. I then made cookies and went to bed so we could go to Kansas City early on Saturday morning.

Lily had her first college visit for herself on Saturday at Kansas City Art Institute. She had attended at least two at Creighton University when her brother, Tim, was considering attending there. But this was the first one just for her. I have to say, going to a fine arts college visit is a bit different than a state school. First off…it was really small…completely focused on art and was the size of a city block. No sports teams. It sounds like a very interesting school. Lily seemed to like it. We have others to look at still, but this was a good start. She would have Joe’s group of friends to look out after her and her sister-in-law, Michelle, right there close by. I know she originally wanted to reach out to this school because Joe would be right there, so it is hard for all of us to know that she won’t have him just a short drive away if she needs anything. The trip was a success though, and we were able to tour most buildings and get a good feel for how her college life would be if she chooses to attend there and they choose her.

We then went to see Michelle….because we missed her and because it was her birthday. We took her out to lunch and caught up on some of the day-to-day things that fall through with texting. Tim gave us a timely call and he was able to be with us over the phone as we went out to lunch with her. She is such a great woman…I treasure her as one of my own children, and have for years. It pains me she is having to go through this tragedy and that Joe isn’t physically by her side anymore. I know she misses him like crazy…just like we all do…but in a much different way. She is having to be way more stronger than anyone should have to be, and it makes me so proud of her yet breaks my momma’s heart all in the same breath. It was nice to be able to hug her, cry with her, and shower her with a few gifts on her special day which she didn’t really want to celebrate.

After lunch, we went to Olathe Fire Station #1….where Joe worked most of his shifts. His crew was on today, so I wanted to bring by some cookies and tell them hello. I was kind of nervous going in there unannounced and taking Michelle with us. We were welcomed with open arms (cookies or not – it would have been the same). We stood there and talked to Joe’s good work friends….his fire fighting brothers. We helped go through some of the names of people who had ordered memorial t-shirts for Joe…and then they discussed where the money made would go…what charity in Joe’s name. Michelle has some good ideas on that. I picked up a LOT of t-shirts and will start packaging them up and mailing them this week. They also showed me a sticker they had made and put on their fire truck, on the window where Joe would have usually sat on calls. It says RFB 446 on it… Remember our Fallen Brother (446 was his badge number). It meant a lot to see that. I left there feeling happy to see these great guys….yet so, so sad that Joe didn’t get to spend more time with them. Joe was really good about surrounding himself with good people, and the Olathe Fire Department definitely counted. They were so wonderful about including him so quickly (okay, he had a way of charming his way into people’s hearts pretty quickly). I feel bad they didn’t get years to spend with him. I feel bad he didn’t get years to spend with them. All I know is they have been so wonderful to us and to Michelle. I am confident that whenever those guys go on a call, Joe is riding with them on the wind…there to protect his brothers, if only in spirit.

For those of you not from our area, KC is a little over 3 hours from our house in Omaha. So we left early yesterday…we got to see a spectacular sunrise. We also got to see a spectacular sunset on our drive home. I have to admit I was a little melancholy on the drive home. Rich and Lily slept while I drove and listened to mindless chatter and music on the radio. Of course I was thinking of Joe…missing him. For a good majority of the drive, I had a small section of a rainbow reflecting in a cloud right in front of me….like for 2 hours of the drive. I would like to think that was Joe just showing me a little love on the way home. When we got home, our front storm door had been painted by LuAnn and Jeff Anglo….friends from our church for Easter. What a wonderful and pleasant surprise!

I have been playing catch up for today…trying to get back on schedule with laundry, bookkeeping at work, and life at home. No Easter photos this year. It was hard enough getting through the Mass this morning. We actually had snow flurries for several hours late morning into this afternoon. Crazy for so late in the year. Although we are still heartbroken this Easter and everything is just still too raw for celebrations, I take peace in knowing that Joe celebrates Easter everyday. Wishing all of you a very Blessed Easter season.