We are plodding along during this pandemic! Lily and Rich left Sunday for Florida to surprise his mom for Mother’s Day. They flew back last night. It sounds like they enjoyed their four days in Destin, Florida, spending time with Rich’s folks and his sister, Tammie, and her family. The last time they flew down there, in January, the weather was unseasonably cool. They were greeted with better weather this time and managed to go to the beach a couple of times and fly Rich’s kite.

Yesterday was Lily’s official last day of her freshman year. She still had a couple of assignments to shore up today in physics, but she is done. She had been signed up for 4 culinary arts classes at the community college this summer, but all of them were cancelled. It literally took me 4 years to figure out the day to sign her up for these classes (because there are only 36 teens let in each summer for the entire metro area). It was just not meant to be this year. Lily is taking a Personal Finance class in summer school this June. She also has driver’s training scheduled but they are teaching it via zoom….and she never got her driver’s permit before the DMV closed. Not sure how that will work at this point. Strange times we are living in.

The Messina men are doing well….Joe has his EMT final tonight down in Kansas City. He has a few other tests coming up this weekend. He is really hoping to get onto a Fire Fighting Department soon, but it is hard to get the testing requirements done right now. But everyone is in the same boat, so hopefully it all works out. Tim started his master’s program about 10 days ago. It is the accelerated program, so he has quite a bit of work to do. His gym just reopened and as the manager, he is spending a lot of extra time making sure all goes according to plan. He is feeling the time pinch as he works full time and does the equivalent of going to grad school full time. At the end of May he will move back home with us for about 2 weeks while he gets ready to move to Ft. Collins, CO. We are pretty excited for him! Rich is actually at hockey tonight. He hasn’t played in several months, so maybe we should all pause and say a quick prayer…. He is doing the annual inventory with our staff on Sunday and then starting Monday, we will be back to our normal operating hours. Rich has decided that we will most likely be expanding our store this summer, so he will be keeping busy.

I am doing well. I didn’t feel so hot last week but felt fine this week. Tallinn and I enjoyed our four days on our own and went for some really long walks as the weather was pretty cool. Nebraska springs are a fickle thing….I try to not turn on the air conditioning prior to May 1st (and didn’t!) but then I also try to not turn on the heat after May 1st. The beginning of this week was a bit of a struggle. Luckily it was just Tallinn and me. There was one morning when it was 58 degrees in our house. Great sleeping weather….but not great ‘shower and get into your clothes for the day’ temps. So I occasionally have days where I just don’t feel so great. Today was one of those days. I ended up sleeping for about an hour around noon. That really helped. That being said, I am doing so much better on this chemo regimen. My peripheral neuropathy is resolving itself and my sense of taste is pretty much back. Some days I feel like I have been sucking on a quarter and everything is kind of metallic in taste…but nothing like it was before where I just couldn’t taste anything. I will have another round of chemo on May 28th…in 2 weeks. Then I will be getting scans to see if this chemo has helped or kept everything stable. Either of those are acceptable to me right now. If things are growing, then we’ll have to do something else. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. My oncologist has given me strict rules to only walk the dog and that is it. Well, after having a moment where I totally just lost it trying to explain to Rich what it has been like to be a prisoner in my own home since November, I decided I was not going to live like this anymore. I went grocery shopping. I won’t be doing it often, but I went at 0700 with all the older folks and immunocompromised people. It was liberating and will last me for awhile I think. I love to cook and to bake, so I went armed with several recipes in mind. I should be good for awhile! Also, while I was at the grocery store, I bought shampoo! This is a big deal seeing as I haven’t needed it for the last 5 months! I will be gutted if I lose my hair again before the wedding in September, but for now, I can actually part it. My comb has come out of retirement!

I want to publicly recognize my St. Gerald family….friends from Alpha who have called to check up on me… Marge Harmon, who sends me cards of encouragement…and Tom & RoseAnn Harvat (I refer to them as my Catholic parents) who dropped by a beautiful flower planter this week. In the midst of all this craziness going on, most people are dealing with their own issues. These folks remembered me during the midst of all of this and reached out. I am humbly honored to call them friends!

Well, it is halfway through the second day after chemo and so far, so good! I had heard rumors that the Zometa (the IV infusion for my bones) really made you feel icky the day afterwards, but I think the steroids to help out with the chemo may have done its part in helping out. I felt really good yesterday and walked 6 miles on my own yesterday morning. The weather was super nice in the morning before the temperature started to soar into the upper 80’s. I actually turned on the A/C last night, which was so much more comfortable for sleeping. Being on high dose steroids for 4 days straight allows me a somewhat artificial high burst of energy. It gives me a chance to get a lot done but it also affects my sleep. I did A LOT yesterday…lots of walking and stuff around the house. I was tired and sound asleep by 11 p.m. However, I woke up at 0345 and then couldn’t go back to sleep until 0500. Sigh, This is what steroids does to me…besides making me hungry all the time.

This morning I was able to make a part in my hair! Granted, it is still really short and still may fall out, but this was a day to celebrate. It is the little things that you have to celebrate. The Boston hat is still donned when I go outside though. My hair isn’t that long yet.

Yesterday was the first of May and Lily got a May Day basket from her friend, Maddie Condin. A blue solo cup with pipe cleaner “basket handle” filled with candy. They put them on your door step, ring the doorbell and skedaddle. I used to come to work at Ft. Crook Elementary School when I was the school secretary there, to May baskets from the students’ families. I have lived all over the world, but Nebraska is the place where I have seen this tradition the most.

Speaking of food, after being at home for so long and cooking almost every meal at home, I feel like I am getting into a cooking rut. This happened when we lived in Norway and we only went out to eat once a month. We have really only gotten take out once every couple of weeks, if that. We used to only run our dishwasher once every week…now it is every other day. I am making a big batch of tomato meat sauce today. It will be on the stove for several hours today and then I will freeze it to allow us to have portions for the next 4 months or so. However, pasta and sauce is our easy go-to meals. I have been going online and finding some new ideas. I cannot go to the grocery store though…I am sending Rich there. I know there is a lot of foods which are not making it to the shelves. It is frustrating that I cannot see what he can see as I have always done the grocery shopping for the nearly 29 years we have been married. I can usually figure out a way to substitute one ingredient for another or morph a recipe in a different direction when I can be in the grocery store myself. I had to do that a lot when we lived in Norway and could not get the ingredients I was used to. I had a creamy enchilada recipe which had 7 ingredients in it. Four of them had to be substituted while we lived in Norway. When we moved back to the U.S. and had the real ingredients from the original recipe, the kids didn’t like it….so I had to go back to the “Norwegian creamy enchilada recipe.” I really miss grocery shopping. I have always loved to cook and to bake. I am getting a lot of my cupboard and freezer cleaned out. That is always a good thing. So the search continues for the next best recipe for the Messina family.

So the last thing I want to mention is school. Lily is winding down her freshman year (yay!) and will probably have fewer assignments over the last two weeks. She was in an art class this past semester and had to have half of it rewritten by her art teacher because they couldn’t assign the different mediums needed for the regular assignments. Lily has always been very artistic and I felt bad for her having to be left to doing reports and random drawings. She contacted her counselor and signed up for a year long art class for next year. This additional class really added to her course load, especially in the fall. She surprised me by asking to take Personal Finance during the summer. The class will be 3.5 weeks long and online for 3 hours a day. This will lighten her load this fall and keep her in a learning mode this summer. She is also taking several cooking classes through Metropolitan Community College this summer as well. Lily is signed up for driver’s ed class at the end of the month, but she hasn’t been able to get her driver’s permit because the DMV has been closed for a couple months now. I don’t know what is going to happen with that at this point. Tim is starting his master’s program on Monday. He is taking an accelerated online program so he can graduate in a year. He is pretty excited and I am excited for him. Joe is finishing up his EMT class and has 3 firefighter exams in the next few weeks on top of the myriad of other exams he has taken. He has applied to several different metro KC fire departments. I am so hopeful he will find a place to work that he enjoys. I am not doing anything as exciting. I have taken up Duolingo again and am brushing up on my Spanish. I was dancing to Latin music today as I was cooking….ah, the best. Rich is going to a class all day tomorrow to get his Concealed Carry Gun permit. So we are all learning in our isolation!

Well I spent the entire morning at the cancer center at Bergan Mercy today. I did the normal routine of getting my vitals read, having a barrage of questions asked of me (What is your pain level? Any nausea or vomiting? Any shortness of breath? Pooping and peeing okay? Any constipation or diarrhea? Any rashes? Any numbness and tingling anywhere? Any falls or balance issues? Any swelling?), then they access my port and flush it, draw blood to fill two tubes for blood counts, and then flush it again and leave an 8 inch tubing attached to my port that is held down by a thin, clear bandage about 5″x6″. The blood is sent off and I cannot get my chemo until the blood results are back and have been reviewed by the doctor. During pre-COVID-19 times, it would take up to an hour to get the results back because they are so busy. However, the hospital is practically a ghost town right now, and I got the first part of my results back in 10 minutes this morning. Everything came back looking good. I then see a resident (because Bergan Mercy is CHI Health….and teamed up with Creighton University). I get a new resident every time because they rotate every 4 weeks. Sigh. So I have to tell my history to the resident, who then recites it to the doctor in front of me and then gets quizzed. I sometimes feel for those residents getting grilled. Sometimes I don’t. It depends on how their bedside manner was with me during their interview with me. Some of them see me as a patient…some see me as a diagnosis and not a person. I am not a pathology report. Rich has gotten a kick out of me calling some of them out on their bad behavior early on, Some of you may not know this about me, but I was a registered nurse in the Air Force a million years ago. I was stationed at Scott AFB, Illinois, which was a teaching hospital for family practice doctors. I have dealt A LOT with interns and residents. I hesitate to tell you what procedures I have talked a “baby” doctor (that is what we called them because they are dr.’s but don’t know what they are doing yet) through on the labor and delivery unit. Really. It would scare you. Then I am sent with a my orders and patient stickers up to the first floor to go to the infusion section of the cancer center (my oncologist is in the basement – kindly called the “lower level” by the soothing female robotic voice in the elevator). I am greeted by a nurse and I sit in a reclining chair and get the show on the road.

If you ever have to go through this craziness…or know someone who does, especially for women, it is helpful to have button down shirts. I didn’t really have any until I started chemo. It is much easier and more modest when accessing your port to be able to just unbutton a few buttons. Granted, just like during childbirth, modesty really just goes out the window. But access is key and it is easier with shirts with buttons up top. So I didn’t really understand what a port was until I was in the holding area to get mine placed and a wonderful nurse did some patient teaching with me while I was waiting to go back to surgery. I thought I would share this info with you. My port is in the upper right side of my chest. It really should have been a few inches higher but let’s just say I am of German descent and somewhat busty…and gravity took it’s sweet way with me when I was upright versus laying flat on a table having it inserted. Ah well. I don’t know any different, so I live with what I have. The port is about the size of a quarter or a coca cola bottle top. It has three raised dots within the circle that are shaped in a triangle. The port is maybe 5/8″ thick. Mine is a dark blue or black. Rich asked me the other day why it looked bruised because it had been 3 weeks since it had been accessed. It is really close to the skin and with my lily-white skin on my chest, the coloring shows right through my skin. You can even see the three little bumps on the port. The port has a long tube (catheter) connected to it that goes over my right collar bone (all of this is under the skin) and then enters one of my main blood vessels on the right side of my heart (superior vena cava). The catheter sits right at the edge of going into my heart. When I had my port placed I was consciously sedated. I had a lot of drugs on board, but I was awake. It was not done in an operating room but in a radiology suite. A radiologist did the surgery. The hardest part was laying on a very narrow, hard table. You literally don’t have anywhere to put your arms. The procedure needed to be done there so they could scan me and make sure everything was straight and placed where it belonged. I have two incisions: a two inch incision on my chest right above my port site, and then another 1.5″ incision on the right side of the base of my neck where it meets my shoulder. The incision on my neck was the one that bothered me the most. Luckily I had a good friend who had had the same outpatient procedure the week prior and was able to tell me to have an ice pack and Tylenol ready. It was a life saver! So I am a visual person…the port reminds me so much of Thanksgiving turkey prep….where you take slices of butter sticks and tuck them just under the skin of the turkey before you cook it to keep it moist… yep, that is what I am. A big turkey. {smile} The port looks like the butter pats but is round. Anyhow, when they access the port, they have a needle which goes in the middle of the triangle of dots. They stick the needle in perpendicular to the port and have to press pretty hard as the plastic holds the needle in place while they then secure the tubing attached to the needle and the needle with the large sticky clear bandage. (then I can button up my shirt and have the tubing peaking out through a space between buttons. They then flush the port with saline to make sure there are no blockages in the tubing outside or inside my body and then draw the two tubes of blood. Then it is flushed again. When I go up to the infusion center, they flush it AGAIN, push some meds slowly through the tubing that is supposed to stave off the nausea for the next 48-72 hours, and they I have two bags of fluids hung. One of them is just plain saline that the line will change over to automatically when the medication is done. Each oncology infusion nurse has several patients plus charting to do, so they may not get to me in time for the medication bag to be done. We don’t need air in the tubing since it goes right into my heart! The oncology pharmacists don’t mix our chemo meds until we are cleared by the doctor and are in the infusion center, so sometimes we have to wait for our mixologists. I get a small bag of meds IV that are steroids. It helps with the nausea for the first 72 hours as well. As Doxil has a lot of nausea involved with it, I also take pretty hefty doses of oral steroids for the next three days at home. My Doxil looks like Hawai’an Punch. That is what my favorite oncology nurse and I decided today. It takes an hour in go in. I got a bit of a surprise today and also got Zometa via IV. It will only be given every 3 months and is a 35 minute IV drip. It has some icky side effects but usually it only happens the first time you take it and only in the 24 hours afterwards. I may be lucky….fingers crossed. Otherwise, I may be spending the day in bed tomorrow. We shall see. The medication is supposed to help move my calcium in my bloodstream to my bones and form a kind of ‘cement’ around my bones to help prevent further damage to my L2 vertebrae that has a metastasis in it – so it won’t further deteriorate the bone structure and hopefully prevent other bone mets. I asked the doctor if I should take calcium and he said that was a good idea along with vitamin D3 (it helps with absorption of the calcium). I ordered it from Amazon.com from the waiting room. It will be at my house on Saturday. So when all the meds are done, they flush my port again with saline….then flush it again with heparin. Then in the big infusion bay (although not too crowded today), I unbutton the top of my shirt and the nurse carefully pulls off the thin, sticky, clear bandage on the top portion of my right breast. This is no easy feat with surgical gloves on, let me tell you, as it is about 5″ x 6″! Then she uses one hand to stabilize my port, as it is 3D on my chest…it pops out (again, envision butter pats under turkey skin), and pulls the needle out. A bandaid goes on over the port that I leave on for the rest of the day and then I go home. Done!

I don’t know if I have ever mentioned it, by the majority of Bergan Mercy hospital looks out over two of Omaha’s largest cemeteries. It is kind of depressing to look out the windows and look at cemeteries. I was actually going to take pictures of it today to show you, but the bare trees in the grass along the parking lot of the hospital had all filled in with beautiful blossoms and they really caught my eye more today and almost blocked my view of all the head stones. They were beautiful and their petals were cascading down with the breeze. It was really pretty. Visitors are still not allowed to come in but the nurses are great. It seems like the patient load is lower, but that may be because I am coming on a different day now. When I was on Gem/Tax, I went on Tuesdays…but that was pre- COVID-19. Now I go once a month on Thursdays. My favorite nurse has a daughter the same age as Lily. We lament over extended learning and teenage daughters. She stood and talked to me for awhile today, both of use wearing masks….it really forces you to look into people’s eyes. You can’t see much of anything else. The infusion was the easy part. Now I have to make it through this next week. Then hopefully I will be feeling better like last time. Fingers crossed.

Last but never least….my ‘thankfulness thoughts’ for those people in my life who are being disciples to me. I feel I need to mention you because I don’t want you to think you haven’t touched me in a special way. I want you to know how much I appreciate you reaching out to me. I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my Godmother, Maile Doyle, this week. I got a super cute keychain from a dear friend, Kelly O’Donnell, of our Blessed Mother and St. Elizabeth. I received a GORGEOUS prayer lap quilt from someone I think I could easily be very close friends with….Paula Buck. She and I talked for quite awhile in my driveway (at least 6 feet away) about all sorts of things yesterday. Paula is an AVID sports fan and I love picking her brain because I think she very much has a brain like my Tim’s….that can remember lots of stats and names, etc. It is impressive. I can remember birthday and anniversary dates. That’s my super talent. Stats, not so much. My sister sent me some cute masks for Rich, Lily, and me. In the same package is a crocheted panda hat with a matching crocheted panda mask. It is hot…but adorable! (Tallinn was not impressed.) My brother, Craig, has made me laugh a lot over the last week as I received a Christmas card (with letter and photos) and a birthday card from him. As they were months late, it made me laugh. I have received cards from all over the country this week. I have a friend that is also battling cancer in Houston (we met in Norway 13 years ago). Fiona sent me some lozenges for nausea and some chapstick. We check up on each other every other day or so and she has quickly become a soul sister. It really means a lot to me to be able to connect with others who know intimately what I am going through. This goes for Todd Bancor and Kathy Trudell here in Omaha, as well. Blessings…all three of them. I want to mention someone I haven’t before…Kathy Martz. I often say you never know who will stay in touch with you when you move away…leave a job, etc. I am always surprised that it isn’t the people you think it will be. I worked with a bunch of really great people when I worked at Bellevue Public Schools in Bellevue, Nebraska when we first moved to Nebraska from Norway. I met Kathy Martz when I worked at Fort Crook Elementary School as the school secretary. She was the BPS school mail courier. She would travel in a BPS white van filled with boxes and what we call in the military “holey joes”…those larger manila envelopes with lines on the outside and red twine that twist around circles (the size of ports!) that hold them closed. They have holes all through the envelops so you can kinda see what is inside. Kathy traveled between all the schools in Bellevue exchanging the mail between buildings. She is a St. Louis cardinals fan and a Patriots fan. I saw her for 5 minutes or less each work day for the 2 years I worked there before she retired. We just hit it off and have stayed in touch. She has sent me several cards with dogs on them that just make me smile. What a kind gesture. I so appreciate it! I also recieved a letter from a dear friend (also from Ft. Crook days), Lois Dalton. She was a 5th grade teacher there and I just loved her. She made me laugh everyday and I have learned al lot about my Catholic faith from her. Love you, Lois! I have tons of people contacting me over FB chat and texting me. Thank you. It is easy to feel forgotten when you have to go through this journey on your own due to the pandemic. I have often felt that I am “out of sight, out of mind” to a lot of people I thought I was close with. But I realize this is hard on all of us and we all handle what is going on in our world in our own way. I truly appreciate those who have reached out to me. I stood in the waiting room all alone this morning…there weren’t even any other patients there…and looked at my phone and had several texts and messages wishing me luck today. I didn’t feel so alone. It is nice to have an army at your back as you head into battle. Thank you all so much!

Well, I hadn’t planned to write a novella today, but I guess I needed to. If you are still with me at the end of this diatribe, I thank you for sticking with me! Tallinn is literally laying on my feet because it is our snuggle time…plus he sticks to my side a bit more after I have just had chemo. (It may also have to do that he was caught getting in the trash and knows he is in a spot of trouble!) I was able to go on a 3.5 mile walk with the family tonight, so that was nice. I have been averaging 5-8 miles the last two weeks, as the weather permits (and it has been gorgeous). My doctor gave me an emphatic “NO!” to me going back to Mass this Sunday, as my Church is opening up again. It may be awhile before I can get back. I am cleared to walk the dog and that is it. Sigh. At least I have that. I love getting out into the fresh air. I hope wherever you are, you are enjoying the same! Below are pictures of the window art in the cancer center waiting room. I loved the message! The last one is of me in the infusion chair. Stay safe and God’s blessings on all of you!

Wow, have we had gorgeous weather here in Nebraska over the last week. I decided that this week, now that the mornings are no longer frigid, that I would walk Tallinn in the morning and the evening. I have done this all week…although last night I was wearing a rain coat and I have to admit we all came home a little damp. I have been getting up earlier and heading out for a walk before the sun is truly beating down in earnest, since I am supposed to avoid the sun. It is quiet in the neighborhood at that time…and it really isn’t even early – around 8:30 a.m.. However, I think that with so many people staying at home and working from home, they are sleeping in a bit. If it is just Tallinn and me, I will put on head phones and listen to an audiobook. If Rich joins me, we talk and listen to all the birds. We have a quite a few bluejays and cardinals in our neighborhood, and their calls are very distinctive. We also come across several woodpeckers and owls. Squirrels and rabbits are also abundant in our neighborhood, but Tallinn is more interested in birds for some reason. He has learned where all the dogs live who love to bark ferociously at him in the evening, and his disappointment is apparent when we walk by the fence and no one is out to greet him. Tallinn enjoys “watering” the flowers that line the street. We have managed to average about 2.5 miles per walk, so I have hit 27.5 miles so far this week. Not too shabby for a Stage IV cancer patient!

A lot of you probably don’t know this, but our family are huge mixed martial arts fans. Tim and I are probably the most avid fans out of the 6 of us, but we are all pretty well versed in the mixed martial arts fighting scene. My birthday was February 15th and Rich’s gift to me was 2nd row tickets to the UFC fight night that would have been tonight in Lincoln. I have never been to a live event even though I have been in Las Vegas the last 5 years when they have had big fights going on. Every time they have a fight night, Tim and I are either together watching or texting each other as the fights progress. Tim will be moving to Ft. Collins, CO in less than 6 weeks, and I will miss listening to his commentary during the fights when we are able to be together. He is a walking encyclopedia of mixed martial arts information. Rich splurged and we had second row seats for tonight’s event. Obviously, it has been cancelled. I was so worried that I wouldn’t feel well enough to go…and I do feel well enough to go…and it is not happening. Sigh. The Lord is trying to teach me patience, I think. If so, He is definitely giving me plenty of opportunities to learn!

I live in one of the 9 states that never went on lockdown officially. The folks here have been living for the most part in social isolation. Schools closed for the year in mid-March. The restaurants’ dining areas are closed, as are most businesses and all gyms, barbershops, and churches. Even though our state isn’t in mandatory lockdown, we are basically living it. The governor opened the state parks today and starting May 4th, churches will be reopened and funerals and weddings can now take place. I have so missed going to Mass…seeing my friends, and praying and singing together with them. Our parish has pictures of our families taped to the pews. I hope that helps the priests, who are preaching to an empty sanctuary. I can’t imagine how hard that has been for them. I can’t wait to go back! How that will look is yet to be communicated, but it will be with physical distancing. This gives me some promise for my oldest son’s wedding that will take place in Kansas City on September 12th. Rich’s store, Play It Again Sports, here in Omaha, has had reduced hours but has been blessed to remain open during this whole time. His business is considered essential as the gyms are closed, so people can get workout equipment to workout at home. We have a skeleton crew and have decreased the days we are open and the hours. This is usually our busiest time of year….as baseball and softball are our biggest categories. Not so this year. Maybe part of the season during the summer can be salvaged. We shall see.

People who have been blessings to me….thank you everyone for the cards throughout this week and for the texts that let me know that although we are apart, I am not forgotten. Thank you especially, Erika Campbell, for allowing me to lean on you about extended learning issues with Lily. Sigh. Just a few more weeks until she is done. Also a special thank you to my Godmother, Maile Doyle, for the beautiful floral arrangement. They are so pretty! Our priest’s homily tonight mentioned that we need to be aware of God around us in others. I am so very fortunate to have so many wonderful people who care for me and let me know they are praying for me or thinking about me. I am so blessed!

I know it has been a hot minute since I have been on this blog…but not for any bad reasons at all! Holy Week…was that….Holy. Lily was on spring break and we spent some time relaxing and just having fun. The weather was warm…so slouch hats got too warm and I switched to baseball caps. I have always loved baseball caps but it never looked real good with short hair. Well, fuzzy bald works just fine! I have a tiny head so that is also an issue. I have my new favorite hat for warm weather….my green Boston Red Sox hat with a red B on the front and a red clover on the back. Speaking of fuzzy….my hair continues to grow in for now. It is dark brown and sticks straight up on the right side, no matter what I do to it as it dries. It is actually warm enough and my head is fuzzy enough that I don’t have to wear a cap to bed. Again…a step back to normalcy. For those of you who aren’t living in Nebraska, we did get 8.5 inches of snow on Thursday. It was the most beautiful snow…no wind and it was relatively warm so the flakes were HUGE. I love snow, so it was a nice last HURRAH for the winter. Rich took me out to just drive around and look at the beautiful trees. The next day the snow was gone. We also delivered some pans to wonderful people who have brought by goodies. Thanks to Kathy Trudell for the Easter basket, Judi & Dennis Koubsky for some of the best chicken parmigiana I have ever had, LuAnn Anglo for pastries, and Emily Ryan for the Easter pastries and basket of ramen noodles for Lily. You are all blessings to us and we appreciate you!

I have been keeping up with the housework and laundry as well as cooking most nights. So I am really feeling pretty good. I am going for a walk with Tallinn and either Lily or Rich or both each evening. It will be warm enough in the mornings for me to start walking him in the morning as well, so I am sure Tallinn will enjoy that. I know I enjoy getting out of the house. I have been working on a couple of scrapbooks over the last couple of weeks. I finished school year scrapbooks for each of my boys, and created Lily’s up to her freshman year. These are the old-fashioned ones with printed photos. I have a couple left to do and then I am done. I have started one with my Okinawan Shorinryu karate experience. Looking back on those memories of earning a black belt under a Grandmaster, Hanshi Fuse Kise, in Okinawa, I can’t believe what an honor it was to train under him. He is still living and is in his mid-80’s and still teaching. Once I was a black belt, I also trained at the So Honbo Dojo (the home dojo) off-base in Okinawa. That place had smooth wood floors seasoned with decades of sweat, blood, and tears of students – Okinawan and American. Only Japanese was spoke there and there was a strict rule of etiquette in place for all who entered. There was this big Marine that trained with me and we were working with Kamas. Most of us put clear packing tape along the blades for safety. He did not. (I mean, he was a Marine after all!) He was standing in front of me while we were practicing advanced kama katas. He brought his kama under his right armpit and sliced his gi top and cut himself….and kept on going. The only witnesses being the late night black belt class and the geckos on the ceiling. One of my favorite memories is of the American and Okinawan student families getting together for a potluck at the So Honbu Dojo. We were all sitting cross-legged on tatami mats on the floor and the Americans forgot to bring any plastic eating utensils. It is the one and only time I ate lasagna with chopsticks. It was not easy! Those lasagna noodles were wicked slippery! Anyhow, making this scrapbook has brought back a lot of good memories of our time in Okinawa. What a privilege to have lived there!

Other things I have been doing….baking. I love to bake and always have. I like to crank up the 80’s music and sing my heart out and dance a little while I am measuring ingredients. I have discovered that while I can lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence, I can still belt out the lyrics to songs from 30 years ago. Thanks to Alexa, I have also realized I have been singing the words wrong to a lot of them. Yes…that is humbling to know that you have had the wrong lyrics in your head for decades. I also realized that I still can’t sing the fast part of the song “Supersonic” from the 80’s even when Alexa prints them out on the screen for me. I remember some of my friends from high school being able to belt that out at the time. I was in awe then. Doubly in awe now.

I have been getting special surprises in the mail lately! From my Aunt Judy and Uncle Dick in Michigan, I got an RN challenge coin. Challenge coins are big in the military and during my time in the military and then later as a military wife and volunteer, I have earned a few from military commanders here and there. This one was one for RN’s. I haven’t worked as an RN in a very long time, but it is my roots and a foundation in education I will never forget. I also got a package from a friend, trainer, and owner of the kickboxing gym I worked out at for the last two years, Amber Crawford. She sent me my guilty pleasure – dark chocolate and natural peanut butter. She also sent me a plaque that she had made of a boxing glove with the saying on it “Knock down seven times, get up eight”. This lady is such an inspiration in so many ways, so to know she is thinking of me during her busy life, means a lot to me. Yesterday I received a poster with part of the lyrics from Mercy Me’s song, “Imagine”. One of my favorite songs. It was signed by the band members! I have no idea who sent it to me, and I would really like to thank them. It is such a wonderful gift. I ordered a frame for it and should be able to frame it and hang it up this week! Such a thoughtful gift! Thank you! I continue to receive cards and letters from friends near and far. Thank you. They make my day!

To let you know how good I am feeling, today I went on two family walks with Tallinn, Lily, and Rich, and played pickle ball in the driveway for about an hour with Rich and Lily. Tallinn was tied to a tree nearby and was a hoot to watch because he really wanted that green whiffle ball badly. He actually caught it once in the air on a bad shot from one of us. So I am doing well and just hanging out at home. I sure do miss human interaction, but I am guessing we all do. Blessings to everyone and a Happy Easter Season!

My day has been blessed. It wasn’t a special day by any means…just a regular day where Rich heads off to work on a shorted work day, and I start out my day with devotionals and then continue on to my own work day doing the paper work for our business. But there were blessings sprinkled throughout my day. I was feeling queasy again. However, it held itself at bay for the most part. If it got too bad, I just had a small nibble of food and my stomach would calm down. This was a blessing. A bigger blessing was getting a solid 9 hours of sleep last night. Between the cancer treatments, the worrying, and the menopause, I haven’t been getting great sleep. The last three nights have been great….last night especially. I enjoyed my two Lenten devotional books I have been working through and read through the daily readings with the Blessed Is She website and the University of Notre Dame. Thanks to some quality time dedicated to paperwork Friday and Saturday, I was able to really whiz through my online work today. I had quick text check-ins from two of my regular gal pals, Erika Campbell and Fiona Macklon. These two ladies check up on me every 24-48 hours and I love them for it! Two big blessings!

I received an unexpected call from the Bible Study Fellowship group I had started in during the fall of 2019 and had to drop out of due to my health. This woman was recruiting me to sign up for the coming fall to study the book of Genesis. I could not commit and told her why. She immediately stopped the conversation and asked to pray with me – a complete stranger. It was beautiful and another blessing in my day. I had communication in other ways from special people as well that were blessings. I was able to talk to my parents, Walt and Karen Neitzke, who live in Cypress, TX (a suburb of Houston). I am happy to report they are staying put for the most part and have my brother calling them every couple of days to make sure all is well with them. It sets my heart at ease to know they are doing well when all this craziness is going on and I live so far away. I received cards in the mail from friends from my parish, St. Gerald. A nice card from Deb & Todd Banchor, who have become like siblings to me, and a thoughtful card from Mary Bystrom, whom I don’t know as well as I wish, because she seems like a really cool person. I was shuffling through the rest of the mail and there was a beautiful postcard of Tallinn! (my dog, not the city) My dear friend, Mei-Ling Marshall from California, loved the picture and made it into a postcard. I love it! The stamp was a picture of a sign in Columbia Falls, MT, where we just bought 10 acres of land this past summer that simply said “PRAY BIG”. It was another blessing.

Lily is on spring break this week. HUGE blessing! It was nice to not have to be plodding through emails and assignments for the last three days. It was nice to be the fun mom and not the teacher mom who is trying to keep her on track for success. She decided on a wild hair to clean her room today. After almost fainting, I left her to it and she has made quite a bit of progress throughout the day. Big Blessing. We even took Tallinn for a walk today and had a nice natter.

I have joined a random Facebook group called “What do you see from your window? #StayAtHome”. It is phenomenal! I have been connecting with people from all over the world who are sharing their view of their world during this quarantine process. I have looked out the windows of people from Israel, South Africa, Canada, Australia, Germany, Ireland, UK, Norway, Singapore, Crete, Egypt….just all over the place. We each give each other good wishes and prayers for well-being. It is a small blessing that pops up on my Facebook feed when it starts getting overwhelmed with COVID-19 scariness and cancer talk.

And last, but certainly not least, I received a wonderful call from one of our parish priests. He and a parishioner, Becky Tometich, gave me a call out of the blue to check on me. It gave me the opportunity to thank the parish for having live-streaming broadcasts of the Mass each day. It has been so wonderful for me. I was able to watch today. Another blessing! Fr. Michael Voithofer then prayed with me over the phone and gave me a blessing, which really meant so very much to end my day with such a gift. I hope you all are able to find your blessings throughout your day as well….even if you are stuck at home doing what you might think is mundane…the blessings are there. Just look for them!

I can’t believe Holy Week is upon us already! What a blessing to have the technology to be able to livestream our church services each day of the week so we can still be fed on the word of the Lord! Rich, Lily, and I jumped in the car to run down to the church after Mass this morning to pick up some palm branches being handed out in a car pool lane. It was so nice to get out, even though we were in the car the whole time, I was masked for the first time, and it lasted all of 10 minutes. The things we take for granted! As I type this, our two priests are driving around the city reciting the rosary and other prayers while holding the small monstrance holding the body of Christ, blessing the city. There is a person in the backseat who is live streaming this beautiful scene of love of our sheperds tending to their flock in this inventive way during these crazy times. I am happy to be lifting my prayers up with them as they drive around. They are calling it the Jericho Drive.

Tim came up from Lincoln to visit. He got here in time for dinner last night and then stayed the night and left early this afternoon. A relatively long visit for him! It was nice to have him home. Tallinn loves him to pieces (although I am not sure the feeling is mutual most of the time). Tim helped deliver a treadmill and put up our huge family cross in the front of the house that we put up for Advent/Christmas Seasons and HolyWeek/Easter Season. He took the dog for a run….his first…and it didn’t go swimmingly. Tallinn has the bad habit of swerving back and forth in front of the people he is walking (or in this case running) with and then slowing down. It is frustrating. You feel like you have a mantra in your head of saying, “Tallinn, just keep going!” He has a lot of zip to him and is super fast…just likes to be the herder of his flock when out and about, I think. Pair that with a red-headed, testosterone-filled young man who doesn’t really appreciate running in the first place and it wasn’t a match made in heaven.

This weekend is the start of spring break for Lily and her school district. Good timing. They announced that they will be weighing the third quarter grades more than the fourth, which is understandable. However, Lily had a tough 3rd quarter so she is making up grades for that as well as doing the course load for quarter 4. Sigh. Her engineering teacher is still missing in action. She really only has 3 teachers who are giving her daily works. They rest are resorting to projects. Lily is not keen on projects because it is again a time management crunch issue. Sigh. So far so good though.

Our store still remains open, getting sporting goods equipment out to the masses so they can be active at home. We are doing a lot of deliveries and curbside pickups. It is a blessing to be able to still be open to help others right now. I know it is getting crazy with parents and kids being trapped at home for long periods of time needing an outlet for their energy. Rich and Ed, a good friend of ours, are out shooting arrows at an outdoor archery range. The weather is beautiful, so I hope they are having a good time. Our oldest sons are best friends….and they spent all weekend together trying to not be too bored with the quarantine in Kansas City. It is hard on everyone…especially young people who are used to being out and about and active.

It has been 4 days since I had my chemo on Thursday. I have finished taking the steroids as of today. Tomorrow I will be all natural. I have had some nausea today. Not bad enough to take my medication yet, but did break open the queasy drops to suck on today. I am trying to keep busy, hydrated, get some exercise, and keep a little something in my tummy to keep it at bay for now. If it worsens tomorrow, I will see if I need to ramp it up and actually take some medication. For every medication, there is a side effect. Sigh. Sometimes those are worse than the actual medication. So far it hasn’t been too bad. As I said before, I hope that the medications I have been given so far have gotten me over the worst of it. I can only wait and see. I have had weird hair stuff going on. Yes, too much information maybe. But for the last 10 days or so I have lost my eyelashes and almost all my eyebrows. This was WITHOUT being on chemo. Now I am left with black fuzzy hair on my head (and my natural hair color is blonde) and some blonde hair on my forearms. That is it. Weird.

Shout outs! Thanks for the visit, Tim. It means so much to get to spend time with you. It was fun reminiscing about your middle and senior high school years last night and playing family board games. (even if you won Settlers of Catan). I got a chance to text with a friend in Norway who is from the UK…and another friend from Scotland, who I met in Norway, but who lives in Houston. It is so wonderful to be able to connect with people! Then I had a wonderful quick visit from my glove partner from Impact Kickboxing, Susan Ferguson. She brought me an Easter care package that I absolutely loved! You are the very best. I just love you so much, Susan! I broke all the rules and jumped out of the door and gave her a hearty hug. We both needed it. I hadn’t seen her in months. I have been able to catch up via text messaging with strong women whom I admire over the last few days and that has been a blessing – Michelle Nagel and Aimee Schultz….thanks for helping me to keep my mind off of cancer and letting me hear about what is going on in YOUR lives. It keeps me going and makes me smile! Well, as I close, I wish you again a Blessed Holy Week…one like we have never had like in the past. Don’t waste it.

I have gotten a few phone calls and texts from good people wondering how I am feeling. The short answer is pretty darn good. The IV anti-emetics and steroids are designed to last 24-48 hours. I am also taking steroids by pill form today, tomorrow, and Sunday. So I am guessing that is designed to get me over the proverbial hump. Next week will be the real test. I hadn’t slept well the night before chemo and I slept hard last night, which was much needed. I was awake early, which was good, because I am getting a lot done today! Lots of end-of-month reports and also many more reports to create to be able to apply for small business forgiveness loans which will help us for when we have to close down the store. My guess it is not a matter of “if” but “when”.

Shout outs! I got a letter in the mail from someone I don’t really even know. I know of her…but not her…definitely wouldn’t recognize her on the streets. Marilyn A. is the best friend of my Aunt Judy, both of whom live in rural Michigan. They have been best friends for decades. When my aunt talked to her about my cancer journey, it hit home because her sister-in-law also has LMS. Small world. She knows first hand the struggle and the fight that this type of cancer carries. She wrote me this lovely note filled with compassion, kind words, and a prayerful demeanor. Marilyn hoped she wasn’t being invasive….not at all! It really, really touched me. Thank you! I was contacted by Reuben and Nancy Rosales from my church. They are siblings to Deacon Steve and Angie Luna who brought the yummy dinner last night. Actually I found out later that Reuben and Nancy supplied the dessert! They read on my blog that I was waiting on a good friend, Roxanne Aguilera in Colorado, to make and mail a mask for me (and she sent it off today because she is a Rockstar!). Nancy didn’t want me to have to wait for the mask, so she made some for me and Reuben dropped them off today. Now I can feel confident about answering the door….and running to the hospital….and heading out to pick up palms from the church this weekend. What a blessing all of you are to me!

I just got back from the cancer center at Bergan Mercy. It was a half a day today. They drew labs, had be talk to a resident (always my favorite – insert sarcasm here – so he can ask me to relay my entire story to him….which he then regurgitates to my chemo doctor in front of me as he gives a report to him…then he gets questioned by my doctor), see the doctor and then head up to the infusion room for chemo treatment. I know that this is a teaching hospital, but to have to go through my entire story every single time gets old…and kind of irritating. All staff were wearing masks today. I contacted a good friend from our Okinawa days who is now in Colorado. I saw online that she was making masks. You can’t find them anywhere and I don’t have any. She said she would send me one. Thank you so much Roxanne!

They took their time giving me Doxil today. I first get two medications through my port. One is just in a large syringe pushed by the nurse. It is an anti-emetic (takes away the nausea). The other one is a bag of meds infused over 15 minutes or so and is a steroid to help you feel a bit better for today and tomorrow. Evidently I will be taking oral steroids for the next three days – while I was in the infusion chair, I got a text saying my meds at Walgreens were ready. I didn’t even know that they had put in an order for meds. One for the steroids for the first three days after chemo, and two others to help with nausea and vomiting to be used as needed. Guess we know what the main side effect may be….Although I got those prescribed for the other chemo combo and didn’t have an issue. Time will tell. My oncologist here said I would lose my hair. So we’ll see if this dark peach fuzz with actually end up growing out or not. Usually week 3 is when is starts to come out, I have heard. We shall see. I noticed my eyelashes and eyebrows are really thinning this last week, which is weird because I have been off chemo for 6-8 weeks now. Goes to show you how long this poison lasts in your system. Or maybe it is the stress of helping a 15 year old high school girl do extended learning from home. (actually she is doing really really well! – although I did just have to relay the message that she won’t be going back to school until the fall.) So back to the chemo. Doxil is also called the Red Devil. It is actually red in color. It looked like red Kool aide. I am not fond of kool aide, just for the record. So far I am feeling okay. It is the whole first week that I will be recording side effects and they should be worse during this time. I keep a daily journal of what is going on with me…if I have fevers….any exercise I do….how much water I drink…if I am feeling nauseous….whatever. It helps me know what is my new norm with chemo and also helps me see trends which I may need to share with the doctor.

I was kinda sad going today. Not because I was started yet another chemo agent (but I am sure that was some of it)…and not because I knew I was going to not feel good for an undetermined amount of time again (this was a big chunk of it, if I am being honest with you all), but because for the first time, Rich couldn’t come with me. Only patients are allowed in the hospital and clinics now at Bergan Mercy, unless you are giving birth. So I was feeling a little down. That pesky nurse brain whispered in my ear that this was a new toxin being pumped into my body. I am not allergic to anything but if I happened to be allergic to this and it is being pumped into the large vein just adjacent to my heart, the results could be catastrophic. So I showed Rich where I had put my notes for my desires for my funeral service. There’s a real kick in the gut at 0800 in the morning. Just in case, I told him….so he knows where it is. I should probably at some point type it up and put it on my computer but that made it too real. I had it handwritten in the back of a spiral notebook squirreled away in a drawer. I was having a bit of a pity party in my head this morning. I wanted Rich to able to be at my side. That quickly left when two new chemo patients came into the infusion center alone today and sat near me. Near is relative…they were probably 12-15 feet away. I made sure to talk to both of them for a little while. Being there for your first chemo treatment is really overwhelming and scary. To have to be alone compounds the issue. I hope I will see them both again. They were both really nice. Pity party squashed.

So I have decided that I have so many thoughtful people in my life that need to be recognized for their wonderfulness. Mr. and Mrs. Doyle send me a card about every week. I knew them from 8th-10th grade when I lived in Alexandria, VA. They lived a couple doors down and their house was where the backyard football games were held. They have two son whom I adore. They followed in their dad’s footsteps and are very successful officers in the Army. Mr. and Mrs. Doyle were always so nice to me, a tomboy, who played QB in their yard with the guys. (I can throw a football, if you don’t mind me bragging for a sec). The fact that they still remember me and care enough to send me a card every week humbles me. Thank you. And then there is Mei-Ling Marshall. We met ONE TIME. Only once. She and I were bridesmaids in a wedding at the Naval Academy at Annapolis….in 1992. Yes, 28 years ago. Funny thing…when you get married at the Naval Academy, you have to have the bridesmaids go from tallest to shortest. I am all of 5’3″, so you know where I fell. Mei-Ling stood next to me. She was a midshipman and I was getting ready to get commissioned into the Air Force. We bonded over knowing the couple and being two women headed into military service at the same time. We hit it off right away. For 28 years we have stayed in touch. We each have three beautiful kids, yet with her career in the Navy and our life in the Air Force, our paths never again crossed. I have only met her that one time. When she found out that I was sick, she demanded the names and contact information of the “boots on the ground” in my area caring for me. She has sent care packages, gift cards for restaurants, and countless emails and texts of support. She is the BOMB DIGGITY (I am allowed to use this vernacular because I am almost 50 and have cancer…don’t judge!) 😉 This morning I sat down to have chemo and I had so many messages of support on Facebook and through texts from friends, near and far. I was thrilled to finally connect with a couple of people on the phone. To hear a voice when in isolation…..it is amazing. Dan Buck – I love you, Brother! So great to catch up! And Aashu Montiego…..it was amazing to talk with you! (We met in Norway. She is Tim’s Confirmation sponsor, and I am her son, Keegan’s, Confirmation sponsor. Keegan and Tim were good friends. They are originally from India and now live in Canada. – yes, I have a lot of global friends like that.) Deacon Steve and Angie Luna are bringing my family dinner tonight….as so many others have done over the last few months – for which I am so grateful! I am surrounded by love and I am so very thankful for it all. Thank you everyone. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life. So many people do good things and never get recognized for it….and I want you to know how much I appreciate you and let others know the good in you. It helps you be a disciple to others…and you aren’t boasting about it….I am bragging on about you! So please accept my humble thanks!

Life on the chemo cocktail of Gem/Tax wasn’t so great. I lost my hair…I lost my sense of taste…my bones ached and I was tired. It eventually attacked my lungs and Gem/Tax and I had to part ways mid-February. Granted, I was super sick at that point. A month of massive doses of steroids cured me and gave me the energy to get a lot done. I made 11 photobooks from recent travels that I had fallen waaaaay behind on doing. Thanks to Shutterfly, the trips and family photos are now immortalized. I made three old fashioned scrapbooks with printed photos as well. I currently have 4 more projects sitting in my home office awaiting my attention. I have gotten Lily set up on a schedule and calendar for her 9 classes she is doing online. Three weeks in, she is doing much better at organizing her time and prioritizing her work. That is a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one. We had painters in our house for a week painting the upstairs kitchen, hall and living room. They also repainted the hall, stairway and living room in the basement. What once looked like a dungeon, is now a beautiful place to relax. Rich and I just finished putting up new family travel photos up on the walls down there and moved the furniture to their final spots. I have a few things to do in the apartment so it is ready for company if needed; that can be done today and tomorrow. It’s not like people are traveling much. I kinda feel like I am a pregnant mother nesting before the birth of her child….I am trying to get everything cleaned up and nice for when I am incapacitated with the effects of chemotherapy. I have talked to other cancer patients and it is kind of a common thing…trying to rush around and get things done before treatment begins.

I got the call about an hour ago. I will be starting chemotherapy (Doxil) Thursday morning. Everyone is so excited that I get to get back in the fight. However, I honestly have mixed emotions. Chemo is awful. No kind of poison that you willing pump into your body makes you feel good. I don’t know what to expect…and I know this is the kinder of the medications in this family of chemos, they have dubbed “the Red Devil”. Evidently the chemo is dark red. I will let you know on Thursday. The doctor forget to mention the other medication for my bones (Zomeda) to the nurse, so that was not sent in for approval to my insurance company. This was providential because I really wanted to space these two meds out anyways. So Thursday morning I start again. For all you military folks out there…it is back to war. My R&R is up.

Before I go, I want to thank in a very public fashion, my friend Julia Palma Law for the amazing care package I received yesterday. I met Julia when we both were stationed in Norway. She is now in Japan and sent me a huge box full of Japanese snack foods. It was AMAZING! My adult sons are both so jealous! I will say that Rich, Lily, and I all agreed that the Sakura (cherry blossom) sake kit kats had the most unusual taste ever. Thank you so much for the package, Julia! It brought back so many memories of our time living in Japan!