Circles…that is the theme of this post. Tallinn living his best life chasing after bubbles that Lily is blowing for him in the front yard. Then a few moon shots during the eclipse. Still a work in progress!

I had been dreading it for weeks….gone into a pretty bad funk days prior. I did NOT want to go to Branson because not only would I have to grieve my first Mother’s Day without Joe away from the comforts of my own home, but it was a weekend we were supposed to spend with Joe and Michelle in the first place. I am not into touristy places and would rather spend the day outside in nature. Rich finally had to tell me, as I was in danger of digging in my heels and not going at all, that he had planned to surprise me with flying in Tim, my youngest son, to Missouri to spend the weekend with us. There was also the added bonus of being able to spend a few hours with Michelle dangled in front of my nose like a carrot as well. So I sucked it up and went. I did have a nice time but it was hard.

We left on Friday, May 6th, the 2 month anniversary of Joe’s death. The mood in the car riding down to Kansas City to see Michelle was that of a deflated balloon. It was good to see Michelle and take her out to lunch. She, too, was deflated. It was a rough day for all of us. I just wanted to stand in her living room and be next to my son’s ashes. I didn’t want to make things any tougher on her though, so we said we had to head on to Branson. She gave me a gift bag as we were leaving for Mother’s Day. It was so very kind of her. You see, she could easily wash her hands of us if she wanted to. But I love her as my own, and I wish I could do anything to help stop her hurting. I didn’t open the bag until we were in the hotel room. I am glad because I completely fell apart with her most gracious gift to me. You see, I don’t have much of Joe’s. As a grown, married man and owning a house, he had his stuff. I have a lot of photos and some papers. I treasure all of it. Growing up, Joe always had a teddy bear he called Bears. I bought it for him when I was pregnant for him. It is made by Precious Moments and is now considered a “vintage” bear. Joe would get a kick out of that. Actually, Joe and I had talked about this bear a lot over the last couple of years because he wanted to find one to give to his first child someday….but we weren’t having any luck…as they aren’t made anymore. One of the things Michelle gave me was Bears. Joe slept with that thing for a long time….until high school I think. Even as a married man, he had it in his home stashed away somewhere. I was able to hug Bears…to smell Joe….to have one item that summed up his childhood in my possession. It meant the world to me. I stood in my hotel room and ugly cried for a long time. It was just the most precious gift to a grieving mother…her child’s most loved stuffed animal. Bears was LOVED. I had sewn his limbs back on more than once. This past week I found the original “vintage” bear on ebay and had it sent to me. Here are the comparisons….I just want you to know that if you were loved by my Joe Messina, you were loved fiercely. He didn’t do love any other way.

Michelle also gave me two shirts…one for me and one for Lily…that had been Joe’s. They were the t-shirts Joe wore during his OFD training. What a spectacular gift for us both…to be able to wear something that Joe had worn. I don’t know if Michelle realized what a priceless gift she gave me this first Mother’s Day without Joe. But it was just that, priceless.

On to Lily. Rich didn’t realize it, but Lily had taken one of my photos of a cardinal I had taken recently and painted it during her free time at school. It turned out amazing! I am putting a few of her other paintings on here for you to see as well, because we think she is pretty talented. She was selected to go to an art camp for high school juniors at Hastings College this summer. We are so happy for her! Joe was always amazed at her artistic ability, as am I!

It was so wonderful to see Tim! He lives so far away now. I remember when he lived in Lincoln and we could drive an hour and see him and take him out to lunch. Now he lives in California and he is busy working at Stanford. He is so busy, yet he takes time out to call me when he is driving home from work. He usually texts me during NBA games we are both watching or UFC fighting events. We were able to sit and watch a UFC PPV event while in Branson and that was great. He knows a lot of the histories of the fighters, which makes watching live with him a lot of fun. He and I will be going to a rugby tournament in San Jose in July, and I am really looking forward to it. We all wore our Messina “Family is Everything” Italian shirts on Mother’s Day. As much as I love this photo….two very important people are missing: Joe and Michelle.

I tried very hard to not spend Mother’s Day in tears. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. We went to Mass at a beautiful church called Our Lady of the Lakes. We then went on to go to the zoo and then to Dogwood Canyon Nature Center. We played some board games. I tried to explain to Tim and Lily that my tears for Joe shouldn’t make them feel any less loved….that a part of my heart died with Joe and it was just so very painful. We got home and all the emotions I had tried to stave off during the weekend (because I was never really alone) threatened to rise to the surface as I was finally in my safe place to grieve openly – home. However, Morgan Oslica, whom I have known since she had baby teeth, stopped by with a big arrangement of beautiful flowers and a card that said, “Happy Mother’s Day. We’re all thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Thank you for raising an incredible son, who was an incredible friend to all. From all your kids you’ve helped along the way.” It was the sweetest thing. I thanked Morgan but for those of you who might be reading who helped out with this, thank you. My Joe surrounded himself with the best people. I have always been so thankful for that.

When we first moved to Omaha, Rich dug up a bunch of tulip bulbs around a tree in our front yard. That was almost 7 years ago. This year one pink one managed to come up. It only bloomed for one day before wind and/or rabbits took off the bloom. I told Lily it was Joe giving me a mother’s day gift from heaven.

We had a Sunday afternoon planned riding a wildlife tram in Dogwood Canyon Nature Park in Lampe, Missouri (about 45 minutes from Branson). However, because of the flooding in the area, the park was closed to all the tram rides. They allowed people to come and walk in the park. It was really beautiful and there were a lot of waterfalls. With the extra water in the area, the waterfalls were full and pretty. There were several stone bridges and a pretty stone chapel called The Hope Wilderness Chapel. This nature park would be the one thing that would bring me back to the Branson area again….especially in the fall. They have trams to visit fields of bison and to peer at bald eagles. Thanks to my good friends, Deb and Todd Banchor for the information on the park. We are so blessed to have a nice long walk there.

Promised Land Zoo is an interactive zoo. You can walk through a big section of it and feed the animals as you go…things like camels and goats. Lily loves birds and fell in love with the kookaburra…until I started singing the kookaburra song. There is a parakeet room you can go in and feed the parakeets. Rich and Lily did that. There is a driving section where you can see some of the larger animals and feed them from your car – deer, bison, ostriches, ponies…cattle, giraffes – a plethora of random animals from different continents. We purchased the VIP experience so we could spend some time holding, touching, and feeding animals in very small groups with their zoo staff. We got to hold a python (again, not my favorite but the things you will do for your kids), a baby kangaroo (got to hold a joey on Mother’s Day whilst really missing my own Joe), feed a sloth in its enclosure, Tim got to wrangle a baby spider monkey named Bobo, and Rich and Lily got to hold and feed two Eurasian owls. We also got a driving tour of the zoo in their big van while the driver told us about the various animals. All in all, a very cool visit. Did I think some enclosures were too small? Yes. I am used to the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha. However, it was quite evident that the people that worked there loved the animals and they were well cared for. The joey’s name was Reuben. He was so stinkin’ cute! If Joe and Michelle would have been there with us, I can guarantee Joe would have left trying to convince Michelle they needed a baby kangaroo. He loved animals, so being there on Mother’s Day was special…and to be able to see the smiles on Tim, Lily, and Rich’s faces were awesome. For the photographer in me, it was great. I had a bucket list of taking photos of owls. Being able to take photos of sloths and baby kangaroos weren’t even on my radar….but I loved every moment of it.

We didn’t spend a lot of time in town. As I said, it is very touristy. It was the off season and it still had quite a few people there. We ate in an old-fashioned diner where the waitstaff sang songs between delivering dishes and taking orders. That was the closest thing to a show we came to. There was a lot of good things said about the Brandson scenic railway….we spent a couple of hours on the train and saw mostly trees. That was kind of a bust – either that or we have just become too spoiled by other railroad trips….such as in Switzerland, Japan, and Alaska. There was an aquarium near our hotel and we were fascinated by the huge lighted octopus that enveloped the entrance to the building. They also had a miniature musically led colored water show that was fun to watch. Another item that caught my eye traversing back and forth down the main strip of Branson, were these life-size army soldiers from WWII. The light wasn’t quite right to catch them in their best, but our time was limited and I really wanted to get a few shots of the monument, which was designed and built by a man from Nebraska.

Mother’s Day weekend we went to Branson, Missouri. This was a trip we had planned with Joe and Michelle months ago. We still went…taking Lily with us, and Rich was kind enough to fly Tim in to be with us for the weekend as well. Branson is like Wisconsin Dells….very commercialized and probably good to see about once every 20 years. None of us had been there before. I looked up a lot of places prior to going and we spent most of our time outdoors. Most of what we did see was wonderful. The weather was spectacular. I guess they had been getting lots of rain the weeks prior and most places were flooded. I did take a lot of photos, so I have broken up our trip into sections so it isn’t so overwhelming.

We left Friday morning and drove to Kansas City to see Michelle. She was invited to come with us but wasn’t quite up for the trip, which is understandable. Friday night we walked around Table Rock Lake. It was truly flooded, as you will see. The sunset was pretty on the lake and we got to see a water moccasin. (Not my highlight….I am not a snake person.) Here are some of our views.

I needed some camera time yesterday and since it was a cold, dreary day, the Henry Doorly Zoo was my first choice. I hit the jackpot. There were school groups at the zoo, but there were on their way out. I headed toward the African Grasslands area first to look at the baby elephants. They were outside with their moms and learning how to roll in the mud (now that we have finally had some measurable rain!). A mom elephant was rolling in the mud and flinging mud with her trunk at the two babies, Sonny and Eugenia. The calves were born in January and are now weighing around 325 lbs. Sonny is younger by a couple of weeks but he already is bigger and weighs more. He is a momma’s boy and is always getting into mischief. I could watch those calves all day. The babies eventually joined in the fun of getting covered in mud. They had a little issue getting out of the mud pit though, so mom’s trunk wrapped around their bums and helped them out. There were about 20 of us laughing and watching their antics for about 30 minutes. I was just laughing…and my face didn’t even break. It felt good. I also spent some time with the cheetahs and the lions. The cheetahs were once again on high alert because the Canadian geese were making a lot of noise near their enclosure and I am sure they were thinking about goose for dinner. The two male lions were out and lying next to one another. I also have a few photos of cardinals sprinkled through here…as I spotted one in my neighborhood on the way to the zoo and then one at the zoo, watching me photograph the animals. Anyhow, there are a lot of photos, but took my big girl lens today to get close ups. Enjoy!

No ranting this time, promise. I kinda hit a big funk. I think everyone decided to give us space to grieve….and it felt like we had been kind of forgotten. A few people realized this and came over to chat for awhile with me, which I loved. Nothing feels better than to be able to just talk about my family, especially about Joe. In the last week or so, I have been contacted by several of Joe’s friends. One had a son….and named him Julian Joseph. Another couple got married and in the collage of photos of relatives in Heaven who were missed by the couple on their special day….was a photo of my Joe. And then there was another set of friends who texted me as one of them got Joe’s OFD firefighter badge tattooed on his back…”so that he always knew that Joe had his back.” Those things really touch me. It is going to be a rough weekend and hearing stories about him from his friends and being able to talk about him helps. I did go to a different church this past weekend and it was wonderful. I knew the priest and one other person there. No one else knew Lily or me and we met a lot of very nice people. It was a gospel Catholic church and I loved it. I felt the Holy Spirit just moving through the Church and then in its members. Rich has been out of town for the last week to spend time in Florida with his parents. This weekend we were supposed to go on a trip with Michelle and Joe. The plans had been on our calendar for awhile. We asked Michelle if she wanted to still come, but that is a big ask…and I know it. She won’t be accompanying us but we’ll still be coming to see her on Friday….the 2 month anniversary of Joe’s death. I, again, can’t wait to just be able to put my arms around her and hold her close. So for those of you who felt that I had lost my mind in the last post…I haven’t, I just have a broken heart and that gets tiring to live with…trying to cope with the utter devastation alone. I have found that being able to just go and take photos is like therapy for me. I often feel like Joe is at my side, seeing the sights with me. Joe was such an avid supporter of my photography. He loved the fact that I saw beauty in naked, scraggly trees. He wanted me to get my photos out on instagram and get noticed. I was really looking forward to teaching him some basic photography. He wanted to get a nice camera and learn to use it before he and Michelle had kids. So going out and taking photos makes me feel like he is with me and it helps me a little bit.

Thursday morning of last week, I dropped Lily off at school and headed to Lincoln to the Sunken Gardens. In the early spring, the Sunken Gardens start off with loads of tulips. I love tulips. Last year they had a tons of candy cane tulips with white and red stripes. They were gorgeous. They never do anything the same though, so this year had a different color scheme. I found a section that was all white tulips….except for one tulip, which had a blood red half a petal. It was striking in the sea of white….and there is a message from God in there somewhere. I pointed it out to another photographer and it became the most photographed tulip out there. I drove around a bit and saw some interesting buildings I stopped to photograph. I got a few shots of the Nebraska capitol building and then an interesting church with beautiful trees covered in white blossoms. I followed a cardinal’s call into the white flowered trees in the courtyard and ended up on one of the benches, just having a chat with God under these beautiful trees as the breeze blew and showered me gently with the white petals. As I was leaving, I stopped to take one more photo of the building and I heard this chattering noise. There was a sassy little squirrel in a flowering tree about 10 feet in front of me. I talked to him, he chattered at me, and we had an impromptu photo shoot – and they are some of my favorite photos I have ever taken. They just make me smile. I then headed to Mahoney State Park and climbed the tower to take a few photos. Since it was right around the corner, I also went to the Wildlife Safari. It is a part of the Henry Doorly Zoo….but not anywhere near the zoo…in fact, it is about 30 minutes drive away. They have some eagles that cannot be released into the wild….some elk and buffalo herds…wolves and black bears. I spent the entire day out taking photos….and got back into town just in time to pick up Lily from school and get to my zumba class. That was our last sunny day before 5 days of rain (which we desperately need). So here is a big photo dump of some of the photos I took last Thursday on my “save my sanity day”.

There is no manual on grief for you. Oh, there are thousands of books and courses out there, but none are written for you or the absolute loss you feel for your loved one. Can you compare the grief losing a grandparent to losing a child? No. Can you compare the grief of losing a spouse to losing your best friend? No. But they are all cousins in grief….loosely related, yet none of them looking quite the same. Some people move through grief stages more quickly than others….some think they are processing their grief when they are in fact just keeping busy to avoid feeling that grief. That ton of bricks will fall at some point…and I can’t imagine the overwhelming feeling that person will have over something that seems marginally small to others, because they have held back their grief for so long that it has no where to go. Some people have faith in God and believe in an afterlife; others do not. Some families believe in showing their emotions and others feel that you should cry and rage in private. There are just so many variations to what surrounds grieving that it has to be obvious to anyone with half a brain that what works with some people won’t with others….and that it all changes over time. For those of you who have not really had to deal with the loss of someone close to you, I sincerely congratulate you. You are living a blessed life. However, none of us are immune to this. When people say they can’t imagine what you are going through (and I would be a rich person if I had a dime for every time someone said that to me), I am going to share.

I have been through the grieving process before….and I didn’t much like it. It was, however, for myself and the life I thought I would live. When I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer in Nov 2019, I was devastated. Devastated that I wouldn’t live to see my kids get married, Lily to graduate from high school, to see grandkids….to grow old with Rich and continue our many adventures. I went into a very dark, bad place for about 6 months. Of course COVID hit close after my diagnosis and there were no avenues for help for me for quite awhile. I eventually met a group of chronic cancer survivors online and with zoom meetings every twice a month, we bonded pretty quickly. It was really the only place I felt comfortable talking about everything, because they were in the same place, albeit I am younger than a lot of them. That group, finding a passion I could pursue on my own in the face of COVID (photography – I took several online classes over the last two years), and holding fast to my faith was what helped me accept my own early mortality and decide to live my life to the fullest. I was really at a good point, all things considering.

Nothing could have prepared me for how hard Joe’s loss has been. Devastated just seems too light a term. Panic and disbelief were the main feelings that first day. Honestly, those feelings still rear their ugly heads a few times a day now….7 weeks later. I can’t thank enough the people who came and sat with Lily and me that first day. I was a wreck. People got the word out so I didn’t have to keep repeating it over and over again. Lots of people show up in the beginning….when you are in survival mode and just can’t function. Then a kind of fog sets in….it is like the mind protecting itself from so much distress. You can function…you just don’t feel much more than the grief, covering you like a blanket, everywhere you go. It almost hurts to smile. You want to be present for others, but you just can only literally be present…like a lump of clay beside another person. You want to take in what others are saying but your mind won’t stay focused. It wants to go back to thinking about your loved one. See…just typing that right there….I totally can’t believe my Joe is gone and tears are flowing. Weird things cause triggers of pain and grief. I cannot listen to certain kinds of music. If any song played at Joe’s Celebration of Life is playing, I am pretty much paralyzed. I know this happens to Rich as well. If a song comes on in the store, he has to go back into his office to compose himself. There are good triggers though too, where something will make me think of something Joe always did or some memory from his childhood and it will make me smile a sad smile – to cherish a grateful memory. I think those triggers will always be there…good and bad, but perhaps won’t be so sharp to my soul.

I think I am getting to the point where the protective fog is lifting. I am seeing more…ingesting more of what I hear and feeling more. That last part -feeling more, is the hard part. It has now been 7 weeks and a day since Joe left his earthly body. I am bereft without him. I texted all the time and talked to him probably 4-5 times a week….and I miss him. I miss his voice…his laugh…his crazy conversational topics. I feel like a good part of my heart died with him. HOWEVER, I don’t have the luxury of focusing on myself and my own grief. I have a 17 year old daughter at home who I have to be present for because she has already been through enough. I have a 25 year old son in California who probably wouldn’t admit to needing his mom, but I need him. I have a husband who needs a wife and someone to care for his home and do the bookkeeping for his businesses. I have a wonderful but heart-broken daughter-in-law, whom I love very much and want to support in anyway I can to help her survive the pain she is in. So I keep going. That has always been my way. Soldier through. This is way different though. I am trapped in molasses, mired in self-doubt and crippled by grief. So all of you who keep commenting on how strong I am…I appreciate it, but stop. I am nothing near strong right now, and I won’t be for awhile. I don’t want to be strong and I shouldn’t have to be. This isn’t an Olympic event…this is grieving for the loss of my child. Along with that fog being lifted, trivial things are in neon lights. Life is too short. It isn’t worth it. I just want to shout that to anyone who will listen. Everyone thinks that enough time has gone by that I should be starting to get over this…that I don’t need friends. In fact, many have scattered and I think the level of my grief has scared them away. Yesterday was the first Sunday that I didn’t cry through Mass. Sundays are hard for me. Joe died while I was in Church. No one really comes up to us anymore at Mass…they just give us those looks of sympathy as we shuffle out the door. I am actually planning on attending a different church next week to see if it eases my heart a bit….where the parishioners don’t know anything about me. As I mentioned, the fog is lifting and I am feeling more. So I am hurting more. That protective survival mode is leaving and the pain of my new normal is starting. And I hate it. I am not mad a Joe for leaving us or for God for taking him. I am mad about not having more time with him. I find myself a bit more sharp-tempered about things and perhaps a little more blunt with my answers. I am sure this will ease, so please give me grace. I have gone through a lot of hurting in the last couple of years and I know I have a long way to go to help heal the scars of losing Joe. I used to tell my boys when they played rugby and other sports and ended up with stitches, that scars are awesome. That way the world has known that you have lived. Joe left a HUGE scar on my heart….once the pieces are picked up and contained again. Do I think that the love you have for your lost loved one is directly proportional to the amount of grief you feel? Maybe. I do know that Joe wouldn’t like to see me or his wife as upset as we are over him. He knew that we loved him….but my brain just can’t seem to process that very well. I talk to Joe. I spend a lot of time alone…probably 90% of my time is alone (with Tallinn). So I talk to him out loud. I write letters to him. Some days are better than others. So for those of you out there who haven’t heard from me….please give me grace. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to reach out and sign up for more of the cancer classes that are offered that meet in person. I signed up for my first in-person photography class this weekend in over 3 years for me. Rich and I are getting some travel organized for this summer and fall. Our lives aren’t stopping even though it feels like our hearts did.

I got to go to the cancer center today for my 2 inch needle injection of hormone-fighting slurry today. Band-aid #1. Then I got my chest port flushed. Band-aid and poke #2. This afternoon I went to the grocery store and got my 4th COVID vaccine. Poke and band-aid #3. I went with Moderna this time. I get so sick with the Pfizer vaccines that I have had…at least for #2 and #3. I had had chemo the morning of vaccine #1 and had large doses of steroids floating through me. So we shall see. I have cleared my schedule the next two days if I have to be in bed with a fever and aches and pains like before. I am being hopeful though.

I managed to go to my church office and get 15 memorial Masses scheduled for Joe. There are so many wonderful friends who have donated for that cause…and some from around the world…having Masses celebrated in his honor and lighting candles for him in churches around the world. How can I not think our Joe is standing near our Lord and Savior with so many people praying for him? I also mailed several packages with t-shirts in them. So they are on their way if I picked yours up. I mailed 11 packages…dropped one off at a local house and have one to give in person on Monday. Whew. That was a good job done. Thanks for all who ordered the memorial shirts for Joe. They came out great and I love seeing his smile on the shirts. It is probably good the photo of him is on the back or I would be distracted and looking down at my front the whole time. Rich planted the tree were given for Joe this afternoon. We have had it for nearly 6 weeks but had to wait until it rained a bit and also warmed up a bit to put it in the ground in our backyard. There were some tears…okay, a lot of tears as we looked at it this afternoon. When Joe was born, we planted a willow tree in our front yard in Bellevue, Illinois. So it was kind of a full circle moment. This plant was gifted to us by a group of people I was student athletic trainers with back at Hayfield High School in Alexandria, VA. This would have been my 9th and 10th grade year, as I moved right after that. That these friends from the mid-80’s would gather together and get this tree to us in memory of Joe, was so touching. Even God cried as the skies opened up soon afterward and it rained big time for the first time in a long time. This tree looks small compared to the others, but those are 40 foot trees…so this one isn’t as small as it seems.

Lily has been channeling her inner Joe lately. She bought a pair of winter crocs (Joe swore by them…and loved his) and has been wearing them to school. (She is obviously not a fashionista) She also has been wearing her gold snake earrings. Joe used to have a white corn snake named Cora. She misses him, as we do. She and Joe had a special relationship. He was really into taking care of her and her future and her safety recently…getting her a mace keychain for her birthday and a book on personal finances. Joe was never afraid to talk to her about the hard stuff, which I think she appreciated about him. Unfortunately, that doesn’t get the same reception from Lily when it comes from her parents. (insert smiley face here)

I also included a photo of the beautiful Easter door our friends LuAnn and Jeff painted for us while we were away in KC. It lightens my heart a bit every time I see it. Thank you!