I am not a bit fan of new year resolutions. I feel that they can sometimes be unattainable…so I have moved on to more daily, weekly and monthly goals. After spending a great deal of last year in a funk I would not like to repeat, I have started to move forward to things that bring me joy. I do have a year-long goal I am working on though….I have decided to do a “Read the Bible in a year” program with Fr. Mike Schmitz. It is free…I have done the first 5 days and love it. He actually does the reading for you, says a prayer, and then goes over what was read. It is a podcast on audible, amazon music, spotify…lots of places for free. He is a young priest out of the Diocese of Duluth, MN. He is known for his work with youth and young adults and he is dynamic. If you are interested, it is at the most, 25 minutes a day. Today’s was only 18 minutes long. I am really, really enjoying it. For the past three years or so, I always start my day with the readings for the day and reading about the saint of the day. These are sent as emails to me daily, so it is always how I start my day. But I needed more and this was just the perfect add! What else? Well, I have daily goals. One of them is to tell Lily a joke each day. Another is to sing a song each day. This makes me listen to music….something I did without for a long time this past year. It is amazing how much better I feel after belting out a few songs as I am working….cleaning…or cooking. Yeah, Tallinn gives me some looks, but it is totally worth it as I can honestly feel the stress leaving my body. I am also going to do 25 pushups a day. Gotta get back some of what I have lost. I have signed up for a few virtual exercise and boxing classes that I hope to start up after we get back from Colorado next week. Other daily goals….make someone smile….and tell someone you love them. Lastly, for the daily goals, I have decided to make it a point to contact a friend daily…whether it be through mail, text, email, or phone call. It is as much for me as for them, I assure you. I have been so isolated for the last 15 months that I really need to be interacting with others on a more regular basis. I signed up for an 8 week photography class. I love taking photos and I always have. Now I just want to learn to do it better…learn about camera settings and tricks of the trade. I would love to dabble in some Lightroom and photoshop as well. We shall see! I have taken a few classes before but didn’t really get a lot out of the instructor. I took some online mini-seminars from this lady and she speaks my language somehow and it is finally clicking (see what I did, there? Clicking…) Anyhow, I am excited to get started on that as well.

I have realized that I need things to fill my days…other than work for the store. I need to have more of a purpose and accountability. So what are YOU ALL doing with your 2021? Note to self….choose joy. Chose something that ministers to others while also bringing you joy. My goals this year look so different than 3-4 years ago where I was going to sock away my money, diet everyday, and exercise til I dropped. I look back at that and realize that is what society pushes us towards…and rarely is it successful because it doesn’t bring you joy. I am not saying that you shouldn’t pursue being healthy and being financially stable. Of course you should! Think harder…dig deeper…don’t make it overly difficult…let the Holy Spirit guide you…listen to that voice that tells you to do something for others.

I had my 2nd echocardiogram this morning. I will be getting them every 3 months while I am on Doxil, as it can be heart toxic. Molly, my technician, was awesome. We got a pretty good laugh because she had the hiccups and was absolutely mortified when they just wouldn’t stop. Hopefully I put her at ease because we were laughing and talking about other things during the short scan (she recognized pretty quickly that we didn’t have to do a full echo like last time, so I was in and out in less than 20 minutes). By the time I left, I pointed out to her that her hiccups were gone. She smiled (at least I think she did under her mask). I won’t be getting any results until I see my oncologist for chemo next Wednesday….at least that is usually how it works.

My new 16 year old daughter has pointed out to me twice today so far that my hair is a hot mess. I just don’t know how to manage curls going everywhere. I keep letting it grow thinking at some point it will become manageable. Evidently hats are still my friend….lol.

When Lily was born in China, in Shangrao, in Jiangxi Province, she had a lot going against her. First off, she was a girl. Secondly, she was affected by what is called amniotic banding. At some point in her birth mother’s womb, her water broke. The long, stringy bands then wrapped around Lily in utero. Think of a chicken eggs with the long stringy bands in it from the egg whites. One wrapped around her left arm and cut of the circulation, and then literally amputating her arm. Another one wrapped around her right calf, but did not completely encircle it. You can feel it under her skin and we are happy it has not caused any issues as she has grown into adulthood. Most babies will die from this….but Lily was a survivor. However, her parents knew she wouldn’t have much of a life in China. When Lily was about 2 weeks old, she was placed in a box and put on the steps of a Guangfeng County government building on January 18, 2005. She was found by two women, their names meaning Sweeping Willow and Beautiful Cloud. They called the police and the police, when searching for her parents, found no one. They took her to the hospital to be checked over and then she was released to the Ling orphanage in Shangrao. Since there was no note with Lily, the doctors guessed she was two weeks old, counted back from the day she was found, and gave her the birthday of January 4, 2005. Since that year the Chinese New Year was later on in the year, she is under the sign of the Monkey of 2004 versus the Rooster of 2005. She is a monkey…like her dad.

While we were in China completing her adoption, we were approached by a Chinese business man during breakfast at the hotel one morning. He spoke excellent English as he worked in Los Angeles most of the year working on remote controlled helicopters. He asked us why we adopted from China…Did we know she only had one arm or had his government lied to us and tricked us into adopting her? I told him that we did, in fact, know that she only had one arm and asked specifically to adopt her. He got all teary eyed and said we were such kind people. He even called over the rest of the businessmen at his table to tell them about our situation. We already had two boys and then came to China to adopt a girl with one arm! We were later told that Lily would not have been able to go to a regular public school just because of her missing arm. She would have languished in an orphanage and then put out on the streets as a teenager. Whereas everyone we met in China thought we were blessing her….it was truly the other way around….she has been a blessing to our family.

Lily lived in China, Japan, Norway, and then moved to the U.S. when she was 5 years old. She, like the rest of us, love to travel. She has been to probably 2 dozen countries. When we went to Estonia in the summer of 2018 for a couple of weeks, she absolutely loved it. We are all looking forward to being able to explore again. We are heading to Colorado at the end of the week and we are all excited! Lily will be skiing on a real mountain for the first time (the 300 ft Mount Crescent doesn’t really count). She enjoys skiing and does so without poles as holding one just gets in her way. I can’t wait to talk to her after her first day skiing with Rich at Beavercreek!

A little bit about our Lily as a 16 year old….She is so funny. She is quick-witted and tells jokes with a somber face that makes you wonder if she meant to be funny at all….which is even funnier! She never wears shoes or socks if she doesn’t need to. We have 7 steps from our front door to our main living area in our house and she usually has her shoes and socks off by the time she is at the top of the steps. The girl can game! She has one hand to push all the buttons needed and she has mastered a lot of games that I would have failed miserably at. She hates sports…but got an A+ in her PE class this past semester. She talked about the class all the time…it almost sounded like she liked it….but I didn’t even go there with her, in case that scared her away from fitness again! She and Tallinn are like siblings. She pushes his buttons and he pushes right back. It is hysterical to watch. She loves to get him all riled up about 10 p.m….right before we are all trying to settle down for the night. The girl can sleep! She will sleep to 1 p.m. if I let her. She is really phenomenal at origami. She has made paper cranes that are only 4-5 mm tall. That is some really fine work, especially with someone with one hand! She is a great cook and likes to try new things. She is pretty good on a sewing machine! She made her family masks this year for Christmas. She also made herself a bag, several zippered purses, and a nice long-sleeved shirt. So as the quarantine continues, she is not having a birthday bash for her birthday, even though she doesn’t have school today. We’ll get take out from wherever she wants, and have some cake that I am getting ready to make. She is a decent driver but not anxious to get her license yet, so that will wait. Wishing this beautiful soul, the daughter of born from my heart, a very happy 16th birthday!

We made it! I know we all are ready to put 2020 in our rearview mirrors and move on to 2021! Realistically, 2021 will look much like 2020 for the next several months, but at least there is some proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

We had a quiet night last night. We had a beautiful walk today at Lake Zorinsky. It was in the 20’s and it was really the perfect walking weather. Lily, Rich, Tallinn, and I got to see hundreds of Canadian geese honking overhead looking for some open water. Most of Lake Zorinsky is frozen over, so they seemed pretty loud in their complaining over that fact. We also got to see 5 deer meandering through the park area. They were very tolerant of us and didn’t spook too easily. Tallinn is not a typical dog and was interested but did not bark at them. He took up his mantel in the back of the car with his nose right in Lily’s ear. Nice to see nothing much changed but the year!

Wishing all of you the very best in 2021 and many blessings throughout the year!

Every year the family gets matching shirts, or PJs or something of the like that get opened up on Christmas Eve. This year is was Messina shirts that say in Italian “Family is Everything”. It has been my mantra for a long time but since my diagnosis, it has taken on a ferocity for me. I have never questioned that my calling was to be a wife and mother. It is surely what God had in mind for me for a vocation. Christmas is such a special time. Not just because we get together as family but for WHY we are getting together. This year was weird. I know, preaching to the choir, right? I don’t know that I have ever missed a Christmas Eve Mass….but I sat next to our lit tree and watched it live streamed from our church. I missed seeing my friends and giving them huge hugs and telling everyone I saw, “Merry Christmas!”….it was just kinda strange. Rich’s family is of Italian heritage and usually try and do a meal of 7 fishes on Christmas Eve. We don’t really have enough of us around the table on Christmas Eve to warrant that tradition, but I did make lobster linguine that was well received! I think Tim was a bit nervous, as he asked me if I had ever made it before….I gave him a hearty, “Nope! And it is going to be great!”, in response. Tim flew in from Colorado on Wednesday night and then flew back home Saturday, late afternoon. Joe and Michelle arrived from Kansas City on Christmas Day around noon and then left around 6 the next evening. So it was a short stay for everyone, but we had a lot of good food, took lots of family photos, and played a lot of board games. Although Settlers of Catan is our go-to board game with family, we tried a new board game from under the tree called Trekking Across the World. It took a bit for everyone to grasp the rules, but it is a fun game to have as you learn a bit about geography as well. It is kinda fun because we have been to a lot of the places.

I had such a wonderful time just watching all my adult kids interact with one another. They have all grown into such wonderful people and I am so fortunate to see the goodness in their hearts and their sense of humors! Such laughing and storytelling! The last time they were all here under my roof was for my birthday last February. I was bald and so sick that I couldn’t really carry on a conversation because I would get so out of breath. I just listened then as well…enjoying hearing about their lives, their jobs, their friends, their dreams and goals. Last Christmas I was in a pretty bad spot emotionally and spiritually. I was panicked that I had no time….no time to spend with these precious family members I love so deeply. I wasn’t sure I would even be here this year. But I am…and I had a wonderful time soaking in memories and hopefully making good ones for them. I am no longer panicked about time. God will take me when He is ready and not before. Will I be here for Christmas in 2021? I don’t know, but I bought my Christmas cards for 50% off yesterday, so I am planning on it.

A special thank you to MeiLing for a family-made goat’s milk soap and a beautiful Irish marble green heart…totally love it! Kathy Martz dropped off some super cute homemade snowmen to decorate my house with! Judi sent a book on Christmas that I can’t wait to start. Catherine Schroeder, my Trinidadian friend via Iowa, gave me a hat and chocolates. Michelle Krueger gave me an adorable snowman and a corn bag to heat up and put on my body when it aches. It has boxing gloves all over it and I absolutely LOVE it! It will get very good use! I received a card from 4 Catholic women that I admire greatly….Sue, Emily, Barb & Jodi. They all are members at my parish. They each wrote words of love and encouragement to me and then also gave me a gift of money to go and pamper myself. I was so very touched and surprised by this gift! Thank you so much, sisters in Christ! The kids all went in together and got me an autographed photo of one of my very favorite fighters…Georges St- Pierre. He is a Canadian MMA fighter that I have always really admired. That was a total surprise and a fun one! Lily got me a wok! Look out world…Cyndi has a wok. All bets are off on homemade fried rice now! I have an induction stove top (cooks with magnets). I absolutely love it, but you can’t just have any old pan. Lily managed to find a large wok that would work on my stove. Yay! Bring on the cold winter weather! Rich is not one to give gifts…he would rather give experiences. We leave on January 7th to head to Beavercreek, Colorado. Rich and Lily will ski for two days (with Tim joining them for one) and then the other day will have all four of us on a snowmobiling adventure up to Maroon Bells. I am trying to work on some photography skills before we head out there. I will have two days to explore on my own….so if any of my Colorado friends know of something fun to do, let me know! Until then, I wanted to share some of our family photos from Christmas Day and Boxing Day!

Sorry this is a few days late. I had my teleconference with my sarcoma specialist from the Mayo clinic on Thursday afternoon. I planned to post that night, but with having labs, a meeting with my local oncologist and chemo also that day, I was tired….or so I thought. I felt exhausted but thanks to the lovely bag of IV steroids I got along with my chemo, my body was exhausted but my mind continued to race. I didn’t fall asleep until about 0400 and then got awakened by my alarm to get Lily up and going for school at 0645. It was a short night and even though the day after my chemo is usually a good day for me, going on barely 3 hours of sleep was not optimal. I got lots of sleep last night….dreamless even…so feeling better today.

My specialist went over in great detail my CT scan results from my chest, pelvis, and abdomen. It is stable. There were some micronodules that were new in my lungs….less than 3 mm. They could be several things but are considered unterminate right now. They could be a reaction to the meds I am on…or they could be new growths due to the meds I am on not working as well anymore. Basically we won’t know until we wait and do the scans in 3 months’ time. The blood clot in my lung is gone but I was told that as long as I am actively treating my cancer (so probably up until the end when I go on hospice) I will be on the blood thinners. So the plan is this: continue with the current treatment until February. I will always be on the blood thinners and the zometa (the IV medication for my bones). In early March I will have my regular 3 month scans. If all is stable, I will have earned a chemo holiday. I can’t be on nothing…too dangerous with LMS. I will go on hormone therapy, most likely aromatase inhibitors to cut off all estrogen and progesterone in my body. Because I have one ovary left in me (but incased in an inoperable tumor), they will most likely give me monthly shots to make sure it is not working on any level. Blood tests have somewhat confirmed this but we want to give me the best shot to see if the AI’s will work for me. In some LMS patients, this is a magic trick and they get a lot of shrinkage. For others, their LMS cancer just grows out of control. I am highly receptive to estrogen and progesterone, so I am hoping it will help. But as always, it is a crap shoot and we won’t know until we give it a try. Now if the scans are not stable in March, that is a different ballgame. I will then not be getting a holiday…I will be making a choice with my sarcoma specialist of the next chemo agent to pick, while still trying to give me a good quality of life. So there it is. We wait until March unless I can’t tolerate the Doxil for the next three months. I have an echocardiogram scheduled the first week in January to make sure my heart is staying healthy. Doxil will eventually attack your heart and I am getting close to the point where it could happen. So all in all, in case you were wondering, this is good news. They doctor is happy with where I am at right now. I have had a stable year and I am leading an active life (although not as active as I would like). Honestly, it could have gone so much worse this year and I have been stable. This is a blessing. I asked him about the COVID-19 vaccine and he said to take it the first time it is offered to me. So I will. I would love to get my life back a bit.

My sons and daughter-in-law are going to get tested prior to coming home this next week. They will each be here a short time, but I will take whatever I can get! Tim is trying to stay busy during his break in his master’s program…he has been in school full-time, non-stop since May, and is now lost with the free time when he doesn’t have to study. He is half-way done! Joe has been working as a firefighter for three weeks now. He had his first 24 hour shift at his full-time gig yesterday and then his first 24 hour shift at his part-time gig Saturday. He’ll have Sunday off and then work again Monday for a 24 hour shift. He seems to be enjoying it so far. Michelle is doing great but ready for a bit of a vacation. Lily is on her semester break and curious as to how her spring semester will pan out schedule-wise. Rich is plugging away at the store. They had 24,000 lbs of weights delivered this week and a number of bigger fitness equipment….all in time for Christmas and New Year’s resolutions. We are short-staffed right now and I am not in a place where I can go work retail on the floor, unfortunately. But all seems to be going well for all of us…again a blessing after this crazy year.

Thanks to the Miller family for a plate of goodies, and for MeiLing Marshall’s goat milk soap (which I nearly took a bite out of because it looks like peanut butter and chocolate fudge – to my defense, Rich thought the same!) and her gift that is under the tree awaiting Christmas. My awesome husband has planned a trip for himself, Lily, and I to go to Beaver Creek, Colorado during the 2nd week of January. Tim will come down to join us at a lodge. I am going to explore and take photos and walk. They will ski two of the days and we will all do a snowmobiling trip up to some beautiful sites near there on another day. It will be nice to get away. We’ll be gone 6 whole days (minus 2 for driving). I can’t wait! It will be nice to get a trip in before my next round of chemo. We are hoping to take some more of these as time and my health permits. I feel like I have lost so much opportunities for travel due to COVID this year when I was feeling good, which was really frustrating. Something to look forward to! I love snow and the cold….and the mountains. Can’t wait!

Here is a quick note to acknowledge some people who are wonderful!

Thanks to Michelle Krueger for a plateful of goodies and packages that are under the tree for Christmas! She is a gem among friends and I am blessed that God set her punching back next to mine (or vice versa!) Thank you to Amy Johnson who sent me my favorite chocolate treats to our door! Sooooo yummy! Thank you! To my mom, who made me some hot pads with character (a reflection of my character). I use them everyday for hot pans coming out of the oven! Thank you! To Catherine Schroeder, who dropped off a gift to me at our store….and it is under the tree waiting for Christmas! Thank you! For Mr. and Mrs. Lois Doyle, who send me uplifting, spirit-filled cards every other week or so. I am humbled to know you for over 30 years now. You are a true blessing. And last but certainly not least, thank you to Kathy Martz (who even sported her Patriots hat to my house) for these crafty treasures below. I am so thank you you are in my life!

December 17, 2019 – A year ago today I had my first chemo treatment. I took a picture for my family to let them know I was fine and fighting. I had blonde, straight hair, makeup, and you could see my smile. Rich was able to spend the whole time with me. It was scary, going into the cancer infusion center at Bergan Mercy for the first time. It freaked Rich out a bit. There were a lot of really sick people in there….the cancer patient you think of in movies…no hair…skeletal thin…and with that weird grayish-yellow tinge to their skin. I looked so healthy in comparison. Little did we know I would mimic that look (minus the skeletal look) within the next month or two. My first chemo combo was not good to me. It shrunk my tumors but nearly killed me because of a crazy lung reaction I had to it.

December 17, 2020 – Fast forward to today. I was again in the infusion center. It was packed. Packed is relative term since everyone has to be physically distanced now. I had since the year prior been bald for several months and then my hair grew back on my second kind of chemo…but came in dark and curly. Between the steroids, having to eat a little bit often to keep the nausea down, decreased activity, and being forced quickly and chemically into menopause, I have regretfully also gained nearly 30 lbs. This I hate. I am used to being so active and right now I am doing as much as I can by walking 4-5 miles a day with Tallinn. I get tired. My feet hurt due to hand/foot syndrome. But I am way better than I was at the end of last year. After my first chemo treatment photo with the ASL sign for “I love you”, it became a tradition. Rich has not been to my chemo treatments since April. The nurses are happy to take my photo for me. I have a teleconference in less than an hour with my sarcoma specialist at the Mayo Clinic. A plan for the beginning of 2021 will be made. So I will post later. Here’s to being around and being healthy on December 17, 2021!

I put this on Facebook and everyone seemed to love it, so I thought I would share it here as well. Rich, Lily, Tallinn and I try to go for a walk in the woods, around a lake, or somewhere fun and different than the neighborhood every Sunday. It was cold yesterday and Lily (being the stalwart teen girl she is) always grumps about being forced to go. This happens EVERY Sunday. This photo just captured it. Tallinn is in the back and has his head poked over the seat to see his family and where we are headed. Lily is often close to his head (he loves her) and she is complaining that Tallinn is breathing on her. We have one child (and she’ll be 16 in a few weeks!) at home and we still have the sibling complaints in the car.

I have been really been able to practice my patience since my cancer diagnosis. It is so ironic that the people who are trying their best to extend the length of my life, also make me wait indeterminable amounts of time. I go to the oncologist and I wait for him. Then I wait for the lab results to come back. Then I wait for the pharmacy to mix my meds. I wait…and wait…and wait. I find myself thinking that it is so crazy that my life is shorted by decades and here I am spending all this time waiting. Waiting for the pandemic to loosen its grip on Nebraska so I can feel more comfortable with going out places. Well, that is also what advent is about. Waiting. But not waiting twiddling our thumbs as Christmas marches towards us, or frantically shopping online….click…click…click…but waiting in prayerful awe as a miracle is about to happen. The miracle we celebrate every year at this time, Christ’s birth. I wasn’t raised Catholic. I became Catholic as an adult. I was raised Lutheran…Missouri Synod German Lutheran. (yeah, the strict ones!) I was raised in a home with an Advent wreath and never knew the rest of the world didn’t do this as well! I continued the tradition when I started my own family. The wreath is made of greenery (fake, in my case, to be able to use every year). Mine has winterberries and pinecones on it. There are four candles: three purple and one pink (or rose). They each stand for something different. Advent starts 4 Sundays prior to Christmas, so in 2020, it started on Nov 29th. It also marks the beginning of the new liturgical church year in both the Catholic and Lutheran Churches. It is not uncommon for the pastor to greet the congregation with “Happy New Year” that day in church. Each Sunday we light a candle. At our house, we light the candle every evening as we eat our evening meal. The candles represent hope, love, joy and peace. There is a fifth candle we light starting Christmas Eve…a big fat white one placed in the middle called the Christ candle. This past week was the third week of advent, where we light the pink candle representing Joy. We rejoice during this somber, prayerful time of waiting because the waiting is almost over….the end is in sight. A friend of mine, Kelly Nelson, places a pregnant Mary in the center of her Advent wreath, and then replaces it on Christmas eve with the Holy Family. I LOVED that idea so did so as well with mine. I have some carved wood figures from Bethlehem I am using. Happy waiting!