Scan Results are in

I have a zoom appointment with my local oncologist to go over the results of my CT scans of my chest, abdomen, and pelvis. However, this afternoon, the results were released for me to look at on my online patient chart. The news is good – everything is unchanged after four months. I am stable. I don’t think I realized how heavy these results were weighing on my heart. Ever since Joe died, I have lost all fear of dying – I know he is waiting for me when it is my time. I also know that he would want me to live a full and happy life for as long as I am able, and I have made that a priority. One of the side effects of the medications I am on are incredibly vivid dreams. I am talking EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. It can be exhausting because I feel like I never get to a deep, calming sleep. I have to be careful with what I am thinking about prior to going to bed because they will morph into dreams. Some of the dreams are good…some are hysterically crazy…some are very sad and disturbing, and some are terrifying. When I took psychology in high school, the teacher took weeks with us to teach us how to stop a dream midway and realize it was a dream. That skill has stayed with me. I can tell myself that this dream is not real and is funny…and to remember it for the morning to share with Rich and Lily. I have had some really vivid scary dreams that I had to really tell myself over and over that it wasn’t real. I have had dreams about Joe that I have kicked myself over and over again for all of a sudden becoming aware that I am getting the gift of spending time with him in a dream and when I realize that…. the dream is over…he is gone, and I can’t get the dream back. I had a whole night of dreaming that my cancer had started growing again and I was on a new cancer regimen that really decreased my quality of life. It was an awful dream…. but one I know will one day become reality. So, I was more worried about these scans than I let myself realize. My inner dreaming self doesn’t hold back. So, I am relieved to say I should be good to go for another four months…. when I get to do this all over again. It will be the last set of scans in Nebraska. It will be towards the end of May or beginning of June. After that, I will have a new team in Montana to work with. I will also be having a zoom meeting with my sarcoma specialist from the Mayo Clinic next Thursday morning. I haven’t met with him for 8 months, so I am looking forward to talking with him again. I really like him. So, for today, and every day I live with this cancer in my body, I give thanks. Thanks for your continued prayers. I truly appreciate them.