A Bit of A Pity Party….Then Moving On

Yesterday was the five year mark since my first surgery. I had a hysterectomy due to a pretty large fibroid and then ended up having an appendectomy. The appendectomy showed signs of cancer…a carcinoid. Then on September 1st, 2015, I had a right hemicolectomy….where they took out the right side of my large intestines to make sure it hadn’t spread. It hadn’t and I was given a clean bill of health and given my marching orders. The large and fast growing benign fibroid was considered nothing. However, there is a chance that it was the beginnings of the leiomyosarcoma I have now. Sigh. I never had a follow up scan. No one ever thought to check me again. I have mentioned before that I have a couple of friends who are going on this cancer journey with me. One has finished her chemo regimen. It has been so hard on her and I am thrilled she no longer has to have poison pumped through her veins. The other friend has finished her radiation and chemo and got to ring the infamous bell yesterday, celebrating the completion of this treatment. I am thrilled for both of them, don’t get me wrong. I would never wish cancer on anyone. However, the green tendrils of jealousy wound their way around my heart and squeezed….hard. I will never get to ring a bell. I will be on some form of treatment for the rest of my short life. This is my new normal and I was mad and jealous and completely crushed for about 20 minutes. I remember a good friend of mine, now in Heaven, Rhonda, telling me in tears that her new normal was chemo every week for the rest of her life….until the end drew near. I remember not being able to fathom the idea of that….to be on chemo for the rest of your life. Yet here I am. As soon as this one doesn’t work, they will try another. My new normal. I even muttered the words into Rich’s chest as I sobbed last night that I try never to say because really….I am doing quite well right now….”It isn’t fair.” Then I dried my tears, plucked up my courage, and put that moment behind me.

On to better news. I really am feeling better. If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I have started adding a Kickboxing workout into my week days. I have done three so far and I am pleasantly sore and have been sleeping better. I was so active before I was diagnosed with this cancer and with surgery, chemo which wore me out, and a month of massive doses of steroids…I have gained 20 lbs since November. Stress eating has been a part of that as well. Some of you who have been stuck at home and gained weight over the last few months with the COVID-19 pandemic can probably empathize with me. Double that time at home for me. Anyhow, I love kickboxing and my awesome husband was able to get me some goodies from the store….puzzle mats, kettle bells, a XXL stand up heavy bag. I took a whole day developing workouts to put on a big flip chart so I could have direction and variety. Thanks to my son, a kickboxing trainer, I got enough ideas to write out the first 10 workouts. This is all set up in my garage. It feels great to hit and kick my aggression out again. Tallinn does NOT like the big bag. When I hit it, he feels it must have been attacking me, so he attacks it. Barks like crazy and my dog is not a barking dog. He can go days…even weeks without us hearing a peep from him other than his manly deep groaning sighs he makes sometimes. It is going to be an uphill battle to get back into kickboxing shape and flexibility that I was at when I had to stop last October, but I am putting forth the effort. I am contemplating putting up photos of my fit fam from Impact Kickboxing here in Omaha on the walls. It is hard to do it all alone.

I am continuing my long morning walks with Tallinn. This morning, I think all the butterflies in Nebraska must have hatched overnight. It was CRAZY how many of them we saw! There were thousands of them! Tallinn with chase after them…and their shadows…so pretty sure he walked an extra mile just zigging and zagging after them and their shadows. We also saw several rabbits and 4 wild turkey. Pretty eventful morning today!