April in Montana

I didn’t quite know what to call this post. It has been awhile since I have posted anything, and there is a lot I want to say about so many things.

First off, I am doing well physically. I just had labs, an oncology visit and a treatment yesterday afternoon. My labs are great…everything is normal. My oncologist left my hospital a couple of months ago. No word on why or anything. I don’t know if he was ad locum….just a temporary person or what. Anyhow, I was not notified my oncologist had left the hospital system or what would happen to me. I discovered his absence at a scheduled appointment with him when I saw an oncology nurse practitioner instead. I like her…but as someone with stage IV cancer, I do need a doctor, I believe. When I asked if I would be reassigned to another oncologist, I was told they were down 2 dr’s at this point and that I could be given to the next ad locum physician to arrive (sometime in the next few months). Fast forward to yesterday where I found out that I pay a copay for my NP visits that is 7 times what it is for a doctor. I will be calling the hospital billing on Monday to get that hammered out. It isn’t my fault I have to see a NP…they can pick up the extra money as far as I am concerned. But, in the same breath, I love the NP….she seems to be more in tuned to what is going on with me, and I am thrilled that I have health insurance that is covering the lion’s share of my exorbitant medical bills. It is not cheap to have cancer…or get it treated. I am so fortunate.

The month of February and into the first weekend of March, I took an EMR (emergency medical response) course locally. It allows me to do more in the field when I am on medical calls with the volunteer fire department. I took the class with three other young guys from our department and I am so glad I did this. I got to know them all pretty well and we’ll have memories from class that I will laugh at for the rest of my life. I now have a go pack I carry with me at all times, as well as an oxygen tank and hook ups in another bag and an AED in another. I have a whole section of the pack of my car that holds first aid stuff. I usually still go to the fire hall to ride on a rig to the scene, but I do have the option of heading straight there in my personal vehicle if I am closer and it is a call that needs immediate assistance. I had to take a national registry exam and then get licensed by the state of Montana as well. It was a process! However, I had forgotten how much I enjoy working in the medical field and trying to help people. You would think having a nursing degree would help…and it does somewhat, but first responder care is a whole different ballgame. So, after thinking about it for about 5 minutes, I decided to go ahead and go for my EMT license. I am about 1/3 of the way through that class right now. It is no joke. Lots of information but I am glad I went through my EMR training just recently, but that has helped me alot. I want to be able to help more with the QRU (quick response unit) at our fire dept, and I think having an EMT license would help me do a better job of that. I have to say that I am in awe of my Joe as I go through this class. Yes, I have a 53-year-old brain that has chemo brain and grief fog…but my book has nearly 1500 pages. It is A LOT. Joe did the class, and he has dyslexia. He was preparing for paramedic school when he died. God bless his heart. I can’t imagine having a reading disorder and taking this class. I will finish June 9th. I am trying to push hard to get some of the assignments done ahead of time and get ahead of the reading so I can study more at the end of the class. Here are a few photos with me and the guys from Badrock Volunteer Fire Department.

Lily is doing well. I can’t believe she will be finishing up her freshman year at the Kansas City Art Institute in just 3 weeks! We were able to go down to Kansas City for 6 days and spend some time with her when she wasn’t in class. We are in the process of purchasing a duplex for her and some of her friends to live in for the rest of their time there. KCAI is a very small school and doesn’t have enough housing for all their freshmen, who are required to live on campus. Therefore, we needed to find a spot for her for the next three years. We were fortunate enough to work with the real estate group that our Joe once worked with. They helped us find an old house that had been refurbished and made into a duplex that was not yet on the market. Many of the neighborhoods near her school have homes built in the early 1900’s. This house will need some TLC on the outside, but the inside is completely redone. Lily and her friends will live on the top floor starting in August and the bottom floor is rented out long term. We close in about 3 weeks – just in time for Rich to move Lily out of the dorms. She has really blossomed a lot in her year away from home. It is fun to talk to her and hear about her opinion on things. She is already lamenting the fact that we will be gone half the time she is back here for the summer traveling while she is finding work here in Montana.

Tim is doing well. He is now full swing into post season basketball season and is currently working for the women’s and men’s basketball teams at UCSD. They are in the process of hiring a men’s sport performance coach but for now, he is pulling double duty. He has enjoyed his time in San Diego, but they are not paying him enough to make ends meet in the expensive area where he lives. He is hoping to get a substantial raise but has also applied to other jobs as well. He has had a few interviews and we are in the same spot I feel like he has been in many times before….just waiting and seeing how things shake out. As a mom, I feel he works such long hours and should be paid more. California is expensive. He could make ends meet in other parts of the country on his salary, but not San Diego. I just want him to be paid for his hard work appropriately. Yep, I am ready to go Mama Bear on these folks. He was able to come and visit for a whole week in the middle of March. It was great to have him stay for awhile and get to see our neck of the woods and witness our life here a bit. He went skiing one day with Rich and one day without him (because Rich was on crutches from a bad wipeout the day prior). Rich is STILL recovering a month later. He was only on crutches for 3 days, but he is still really sore and can overdo it easily. I am so thankful Tim was there and was behind Rich and saw the whole thing happen. At Big Mountain in Whitefish, they have a clinic with an x-ray machine right there at the base of the mountain. We put three 1000 piece puzzles together (puzzles have been a favorite pastime of Tim’s since he was really little) and we even went to a game night at the fire hall so he could meet some of our fire department friends. It was a great time and we managed to watch some pretty good basketball and UFC fights while he was here as well. It was nice to watch it live with him and not have to text between every time out in basketball or round in MMA fighting. I got to try out some new recipes on him and that is always fun. Don’t know when he’ll be back up here, but I hope he makes coming up here for his post season break a habit. Below are pictures of me with my favorite leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, and the photo Tim took of Rich getting pulled down the mountain.

Once I finished my EMR class in early March, I started a crazy traveling for the month. Our first trip was to Kansas City. I mentioned earlier we were able to spend some time with Lily. We did. We also spent some time with our daughter-in-law, Michelle. March 6th was the 2 year mark of our Joe’s death. Last year we had a big party at our house and invited all his friends to come. This year we just didn’t know what to do. We kind of decided last minute to head to Kansas City and be with Lily and Michelle, Joe’s best friend, Zac, and just be with his people who loved him. We were so blessed to spend that morning with Michelle. Some of the firefighters from Joe’s department (can’t speak highly enough of his firefighter brotherhood at Olathe) had rebuilt her back deck for her. We got a tour of the house…she has been putting her touches here and there with furniture moving around and different color paints going on the walls and kitchen island. The place looked great. She graciously gave us some time with Joe’s ashes. We then took some of his ACU’s to an army friend of his. The Army is no longer wearing the same pattern as when Joe went through boot camp, but they wanted them anyhow, as they may working on a display to go beside his photo at the armory where he had his celebration of life. We found all his stuff from boot camp in a closet in the basement….the last rubbermaid container to go through before we moved. I had no idea it had been down there for years. He saved all his letters he got from people when he was there in Georgia. I sent Michelle’s letters back to her. At any rate, we could not find it in our hearts to throw these uniforms away or donate them, so we were so relieved when his army buddies were willing to take them. The night of March 6th, we sent an open invitation to his friends from all walks of life to come to the Chicken N Pickle for food, drinks, and Joe stories. A group came that knew him from college, his closest friends were there, fraternity friends, and a good sized group from his Olathe fire department showed as well. Most of the folks I knew, the rest I tried to get to know. There were no tears and a lot of laughs, as Joe would have wanted it. I knew the room to commandeer for the evening as it was empty and it had a message in bright lights that Joe would have really liked. I miss him so much. The grief has never waivered. It is just absolutely awful to lose a child. But the pain is a little softer. I often feel his presence when I need to the most. Here is a photo of the sign and a photo of my Joe and his Moose.

We got back to Montana and Tim landed within 24 hours of us getting back from KC. That was a great week at home with him (minus Rich’s skiing accident). We left for Las Vegas just a couple of days after Tim left to go back to California. This was a short trip…just 3.5 days for a work training conference. We stayed at the Paris Hotel with about 125 other people all sporting their Cruise Planners Green. The first night after training we went to dinner at the Stratosphere at the restaurant at the top called “Top of the World”. We had a friend here in Montana that knew the owner and pulled some strings to get us a reservation. It was swanky. The top is all glass and moves around in a circle slowly so you can see all of Las Vegas. The only somewhat weird thing was every now and then there were bodies dropping by the windows. People pay good money to jump off of that building. It is VERY high up. The food was great and we even ordered a slice of chocolate cake (that was the very best thing ever….and we only had room for a couple of bites. We worked on that cake for 2 days!) Anyhow, the service was amazing, the food spectacular, and just when we were going to pay the bill, we were told our dinner was on the house. What a totally unexpected surprise! The second night, we went to a show at the sphere. It is an imax movie on steroids. We saw the show Postcards from Earth. It was amazing. It is the world’s largest hi-def screen and the seats move so when that giant elephant to marching toward you, the ground literally shakes. Prior to the show starting, you get to go in an hour early and get to talk with their interactive robots. Their faces and hands are so realistic! They can see and can answer questions and tell jokes. The more you talk to them, the more they learn. It was kinda creepy, to be quite honest, but very cool. It was a quick trip to Vegas but Rich and I agreed that Vegas just isn’t our vibe. It couldn’t be any more different than our little part of heaven in Montana. We were happy to go back home. Our brains were filled with work info and our eyes were tired of the flashing lights. Unfortunately, our parent company feels that to cater to the western side of the U.S. companies, everything should be in Vegas. So I am sure we’ll be back at some point. It was March madness during our time there so a lot of basketball gambling going on. Even the sphere turned into a basketball every now and then. That photo is from our table at the Strat.

We got back and I left a couple of days later to go visit my mom and dad in the Houston area. I usually try and go to Texas for my mom’s birthday (and my dad’s as well if I live close enough), but this year, I was starting my EMT class with a three day in person training, and couldn’t make her birthday, so I went a bit early. I was only there for a few days, but didn’t waste one moment of the time I was there. I got to spend time with my mom and doing some tasks she needed to have done around the house. I also got to spend time each day with my dad, who is in a memory care facility and no longer remembers who I am. That is hard, but he is so gentle and so polite to everyone, that I am mush in his hand. He seems to be a favorite at the place he lives. He gets a big twinkle in his eyes when he knows he gets to leave and go out for a hamburger. My father hasn’t remembered my mom’s name for a couple of years now, but affectionately calls her, “my lady.” I know this is not at all how they envisioned their golden years looking like, but they are making it work. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking all in the same breath. I managed to spend some time with my brother, Craig, and his wonderful family. I got to watch Alex, my nephew, practice basketball and spend some time chatting with him. I got to give Emily Jo a little baby doll that I gave Lily when we adopted her from China. It was just the right size for her little hands. I hope she loves on it. My mom and I took a morning to go to the Brenham area and look for bluebonnets. They have a bumper crop of them this year. I have several photos on my good camera but haven’t had the opportunity to look at them yet. I did take a few with my phone though. I did meet a lovely pair of women – mother and daughter – who were originally from Japan. I stopped and took a photo of them with their cell phone. They got a kick out of me talking Japanese to them. They quickly lost me though. I am out of practice. It was so awesome to see their faces break out into huge grins when I starting saying “1-2-3- cheese!) in Japanese. Here are some bluebonnets:

So now I have been back in Montana for a few weeks. I have been keeping super busy with EMT class. It is only 10 weeks long and there are quite a few assignments along with classes a couple of times a week. Every 3 weeks or so, we have a clinical weekend where we meet for 9 hours on both Saturday and Sunday to do hands-on stuff. It is a lot. I can’t lie. I will be happy when I can get all my EMT stuff off my desk and get my life back a bit! It will be summer by then. We did go into Glacier for a short hike last weekend. I took this photo with my phone and fell in love with it:

The tourists will be here before we know it and it will be impossible to get into the park. So I am enjoying my uncrowded views for now.

So that brings me to this week and today. We have had a lot of fire calls lately. When I say fire calls they are usually medical calls. We had 5-6 calls on Tuesday. One was an actual fire. It was a crazy day. This time of year, we can spread that call volume out to 2 weeks easily. It happened all in one day. I often feel that when I am feeling overly emotional about Joe, he makes sure that he makes his presence known and keeps me busy. I can be participating in a grief zoom online and have tears in my eyes and I will hear his memorial wind chimes just clanging away outside my office window. Today was a hard day again. As Joe’s parents, we did not get a copy of Joe’s death certificate. We tried different avenues to get a copy but to no avail. I finally contacted vital records in Colorado and asked for a copy of his death certificate. I guess because I had his birth certificate, I wanted his death certificate as well. I wanted to see what they put as his cause of death and a few other things I had questions about. I had to go through quite a process of getting that death certificate – proving that I was his mother and why I needed it. I simply said, “closure.” Will I ever have closure? No. However, that seemed to pacify the powers that be at the Colorado Vital Records department. Well, I got my Joe’s death certificate today. That was hard. I sat down and decided to write about it on this blog…and to get caught up on my life. Sure enough. Fire call. I have said it often. When I am on a fire call, I feel closest to my Joe. It was a fire. Got to do stuff I haven’t done before. (not a structure fire for those firefighters out there…think more wildland). Get back to the fire hall, rinse everything off and refill the engines and start the paperwork. Alarm goes off again. ANOTHER fire. Out we go again. So 4 1/2 hours after leaving for the first call, we got home and I am finishing this. Joe was definitely laughing his tail off at us tonight. He had the proper training. I will just leave it at that. But mission accomplished, my Joe, I am going to bed tired and sore and fulfilled with my evening, even if I missed dinner. I learned a LOT tonight and I know Joe was right there with me the whole time. Here is a photo of what we are in the process of doing in our front yard. We planted an aspen tree for Joe in our front yard and bought a plaque with his photo on it and a bench to go beside it. All that was done last fall. This year, we are using flagstone to make a path from the yard to his tree. It is going to look great when it is all leveled out and done.

Well, it is super late and believe it or not, I feel like I can finally go to sleep tonight. I have had a hard time falling asleep lately. My mind just races as soon as I close my eyes. I wanted to mention one last thing before I close. While we were in Las Vegas, my Uncle Dick Hall died. He had been diagnosed with cancer and was on hospice but everything happened so quickly…in a matter of weeks. He is the first to die of that generation in my family and I have very fond memories of him. He was a bit gruff on the outside and a heart of gold on the inside. Please, if you have a moment, lift a prayer for his wife, my Aunt Judy, and their kids and grandkids, who are missing him terribly. I have posted photos of him on this blog before because he was a Vietnam veteran. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.