I dub the week after chemo the “icky week” because I am tired and nauseated and over emotional. I am going to toot my own horn for a second and let you all know that I did 5 kickboxing workouts this week. I sucked it up and did it and am better for it (I hope!). I did miss walking my five miles one day but it was a torrential downpour and honestly, it was the Holy Spirit giving me a nudge to just take it easy. That was yesterday and that rest got me over the hump. I went to bed before 10 last night and slept pretty hard until 7 this morning….and no cancer dreams. I even woke myself from a dream and smiled thinking it was nice to be dreaming of something ridiculous and that didn’t have to do with cancer.
I have been binge watching “Good Bones” on Hulu this week after I finish my workouts, walks and work. It is a show about a mother and daughter who rebuild houses in Indiana and flip them. They are a hoot. I just enjoy watching the show. The mom, Karen, said something yesterday on one of the shows that has really just stuck with me. She had just had a big disappointment…something had gone wrong and all her hard-laid plans were dashed. So Karen said something along these lines….”You know how you have a big disappointment and you realize you are having an over-the-top reaction to that disappointment? You realize you are making a mountain out of a molehill but it is YOUR reaction and you just can’t help it. You need to just digest the situation and let yourself have your feelings, even if they are over-the-top…and others need to let you.” It was just the perfect message for me to hear. Cancer patients, especially those with a stage IV diagnosis battle their emotions….battle depression on a level you can’t imagine unless you have walked in their shoes. That is okay. That is NORMAL. I have been strong for a lot of people for a long time and it wears on me. I cannot be strong for you right now because I need to be strong for me. Please allow me that. It will get better as time goes on. It already has. Today I met a bunch of wonderful women in a LMS newcomers zoom meeting for newly diagnosed patients. I met some women from around the U.S. and one from the UK (this was a pretty small group). We ranged in age from 30’s to 70’s. Some of the panelists have survived stage IV LMS for over a decade! They were giving advice to use newbies…the ones that are still shell-shocked and crying at the drop of a hat at their impending mortality that has been put under a microscope with this awful disease. I made some friends and we all commiserated our fates and then had some laughs together. We all agreed that we had been a bit apprehensive about this zoom meeting but ended up really having a good time and making friends. We are going to keep in touch. The LMS group on FB has 4000 + members, so we can be a micro group within the larger one, supporting each other. The many small blessings of COVID 19….these Zoom meetings never took place prior to this and it is a great way to meet and get together.
Thankfulness….well, I have a lot here. I am so thankful for getting in touch with some folks this week whom I normally don’t chat with. It is always great to catch up with friends and family! Kelly Rump sent me some beautiful flowers today! Kelly and I worked together at Academy International Elementary School in Colorado Springs about 100 years ago….okay, not 100 but almost 20! What a super special surprise! At the same time the flowers arrived, I got a box of the most wonderful pears from my Cali friend, Mei-Ling. Thank you both so much! It was such an unexpected surprise! Thanks to those who checked up on me during the week knowing it was the “icky week”. I am still getting tired more easily but I am starting to round the bend and feel better. I am going to go to the grocery store later tonight when it is mostly empty and stock up for the next week to 10 days on stuff to try some new recipes with. We have been eating frozen leftovers this week as I didn’t have the energy or stomach to do much cooking. Now I need to replenish the supply for the next icky week!