It’s not all roses….

So many of you have commented on my great faith and my optimistic attitude, etc. Well, ladies and gents…I am going to vent and have a pity party for a hot minute, so here’s the flip side of a majority of my postings. I am human after all. Granted, my brain is saturated in steroids and I am usually really over emotional after my chemo treatment…so there is that to take into effect as well.

I did not mention that yesterday when I was seeing my doctor, I asked him about getting the COVID vaccine and when and where I could get it. It sounds like I have to make an appointment through my county health department. Evidently those people that are immunocompromised are somewhat shoved to the back of the line…the last ones to get their shots before the healthy public. So all the elder people across Nebraska will get their shots first prior to someone who is like me, who is young, but immunocompromised. Do I want to shove in line in front of someone’s grandma? Of course not! I would just like to be added to the same group. My group is set to start being vaccinated sometime in March…with the second shot being in April…then the two weeks after that to be completely set in the vaccine. That brings me to the end of April. That is 4 months from now. I had cancer surgery Nov 1st…major abdominal surgery that I had to recovery at home with. I started chemo straight away. I was very sick last winter as I had a rare reaction to the Gem/Tax I was on and the neulasta shots I was being overdosed on. It was really miserable. I went to the cancer center every week for treatments and to church on Sundays. That was it. Once they finally listened to me and I was taken off the Gem/Tax and put on massive doses of steroids for a month to help cure my lungs of the damage done, I started feeling a lot better. This was in March….when everything shut down. So, folks, I have been home since Nov 1st, 2019. I am sick and tired of it. It will be a year and a half of my life wasting away at home when I was given 1-4 years of life left. Granted, I am going to try and beat that, but those are the odds….and I am wasting away at my house. It really really sucks. But back to yesterday. Evidently my local oncologist is also the head of oncology at the VA Center here in Omaha. He said they have lots of vaccines and are giving them out to nearly everyone who wants them that is a vet. He said, “Too bad you all are vets.” We looked at him and told him we both were. Rich has been with the VA for awhile now since he was in the service for so long and because he has health issues due to his service and so he is tied to the VA. He is a card-carrying member. I had never applied because I didn’t really need to. I was told it would take less than 24 hours to find out if I qualified. Well, I was turned down because Rich is my husband and he makes too much money for them to deem me worthy of being a VA member. Rich is getting his first shot tomorrow. I have to wait 4 months. This really crushed me tonight. I am absolutely gutted about it and have been unable to stop the tears over the last hour or so. I am busting my behind to do everything I can to fight this cancer and I could walk out my door and be infected by some stranger or someone I know and die from COVID. I am just so mad about the whole thing. I am mad, I am upset, I am devastated. I am really mad at myself for letting me get my hopes up. I tried not too….but I couldn’t help it. Granted, I am lucky. I haven’t contracted COVID. I am careful. But I am so very isolated. Lily goes to school….Rich goes to work. I go to the next room to work all day. I have no idea what will happen in March when I have to change treatments. New chemo won’t be as good to me as Doxil has been. Most of them are more harsh. The aromatase inhibitors (which I am hoping to try as it is a non-chemotherapeutic) has the side effect of painful joints and muscles all the time. Sounds like a great choice, right? So then I have to face the fact that I may feel awful or be in pain from here on out. I feel like I have missed my small window of opportunity feeling good trying to save my life from this virus. My priest told me that maybe I should just chance it and live my life. But I look at my newly 16 year old daughter and can’t make that choice with a good conscience. Right now, I can’t stop crying and my heart hurts. And then the flip side of me feels guilty because I have friends who have died from COVID…and friends who have lost parents and loved ones….and here I am whining about my own life. To those folks, by sincere apologies. I will get over this. When I started this blog I wanted to be real and show the good, the bad, and the ugly side of it all. More of a memoir for my kids and husband, none of which even read this blog. So, here’s the selfish and pity-party me in all its glory. Now to go pull up my big-girl panties and get on with living and shove these feelings out the window into the blizzard that is heading our way….so they can blow far away and let my heart have some peace after expelling all the pain.